19 Years~ I Remember

I almost have lived without her as long as I lived with her. This is hard to wrap my mind around. Honestly, it seems like yesterday. I can't believe it has been this long. Some things you never forget. Each day in January that leads up to the 22nd, the events of that awful night 19 years ago play in my mind. I blogged about it a couple of years ago here. You can read the whole horrific story, if you want.

I remember each detail like it just happened. The sounds, smells, sights, people are just too real. I remember making the 911 call and then the call to my dad. I remember wandering through the house not knowing what to do until help arrived. I remember feeling so helpless. I remember feeling my life crash all around me. I remember the sound of her fiancee's cry when he was first told she was gone. I remember how heavy but empty my chest felt for days, weeks and months afterward. I remember how my mom seemed like a shell of herself. I remember that she and I would go days without saying a word to each other. Each greiving together, but separately. I remember cleaning out her room. I remember knowing that I couldn't sleep in my room because that is where I found her. I couldn't sleep in her room because it was HER room. I remember being 20 years old and sleeping with my mom like a toddler because I couldn't stand to be alone in that house where she died.

I remember how she and I could bring out the worst in each other. I remember how we could also bring out the best in each other. I remember knowing that she would take care of me, her little sister, when I couldn't take care of myself. I remember "borrowing" money from her always with the promise of paying her back, knowing that I never would. I remember that she never hesitated to give it to me anyway. I remember the way she would dream about being a mom and raising her own kids. I remember her laugh and her smile. Her cry and her scowl. Her anger and her joy.

I remember how we were afraid to say her name afterward because it hurt so badly. I remember going with my mom to choose her headstone and how she wanted it to be perfect. I remember turning my head when passing the cementary because I couldn't stand to see it. I remember my mom's silent tears that seemed to come out of nowhere. I remember how my mom and I would take our anger and hurt out on each other because we just didn't know what else to do. I remember feeling alone.

I REMEMBER.

Bullet Points

Pily has "reprimanded" me for not updating my blog more often, so here goes. Oh, and these bullet points are not in chronological order. I don't really care to be that organized!

• I took Addie shopping with me on Thursday. I wasn't planning on buying anything. I just wanted to look and try some things on. I NEVER try anything on, but I need to right now because I'm not really sure what size I am. I took Addie and some clothes into the fitting room and she thought that was really fun until I started taking off my pants! I think I freaked her out a little bit. I had to explain to her why I was taking my clothes off in a store! Remember, I NEVER try anything on so she hasn't experienced a fitting room before! After I was finished, she thought it was funny that I took my clothes off in a store! I guess I should get her out more often!
• Pily has decided to go to medical school in Fort Worth and we are VERY excited about that. We can't wait for July 19th to get here! We can go see her anytime we want and she can come hang out with us in her spare time! Ha! We probably won't get to see her as much as we think we will, but maybe she will come over for some food every once in a while!
• Speaking of Pily, she was here last weekend and into the week. She was able to hang out with us for several days and see just how exciting we really are. I don't think she will ever be the same! Ha! Seriously, we are VERY boring! On Tuesday, she and Addie spent the day together. They went to Let's Jump and Jason's Deli for lunch. Then they read books and Pily painted Addie's toe nails. That sounded like a near-perfect day to me! Addie was really upset when Pily had to leave the next morning. She will be back, though!
• Nancy and I are running again. I didn't think I would ever want to run again about six weeks ago, but never say never, I guess! We aren't going to run every weekend, maybe just every other weekend. Whatever fits into our schedules. We are also going to start off with some shorter runs. Hopefully I can get my body used to running gradually and it won't hurt so much as we increase our mileage. I WANT to enjoy running, so I just need to take it slow at first and build up gradually.
• I found an awesome app for my phone last weekend. It's called Nike Women's Training. We tried some of the workouts this week and let me just say that they are tough! My abs may never be the same! They were so sore I couldn't even take a deep breath without hurting. I am still a little sore from our first workout on Monday. I like that we have found a way to change up our workouts. I was ready for a change and so were my muscles. I have felt muscles I didn't know I had! Plus, the time goes by really quickly because there is no time to rest.
• Bryson has his first basketball game today. He is playing with the YMCA this year. Hopefully he will have a good time and continue to enjoy it.
• I have finally lost 20 pounds since last July. I have actually hit my original goal, but I lowered it 5 pounds. I want to have a little cushion when I am trying to maintain my loss. It has been tough, but rewarding. At least now I KNOW I can do it and I know how to do it the right way. The loss was slow, but hopefully I can keep it off. I am determined to get it off and keep it off. I want to be healthy and teach my kids how to live a healthy life. I don't want them to have to lose a large amount of weight when they are older. It is easier to maintain than to lose a large amount, so hopefully some of my good habits will rub off on them!

That's about all that is going on. I will try to take and post some pictures next time!

Happy New Year!

I just had to document this for Kelly~ Her LAST diet Coke!





This may come as a shock to you, but we aren't very exciting people. I know, I know, that is some hard news to take in. We don't go out a lot. We enjoy spending time at home. just relaxing.

This year for New Year's Eve we asked Drew's brothers and their families if they would like to come hang out with us. Unfortunately, David had to work, but everyone else was able to come. We just sat around and talked and ate dinner. Nothing fancy~ Drew just grilled hamburgers and the kids had hot dogs. Again, we aren't very exciting!

The kids, on the other hand, enjoy some excitement. The eight cousins played together~relatively well. It's hard to have complete cooperation when the ages range from 3 to 11, but they were pretty good.

Since I don't have much family, I enjoy it when everyone gets to hang out together. We don't do it often enough, so hopefully this year we can work on that. We all live within 15 miles of each other, so it really shouldn't be a big deal to get together every once in a while. I really want to kids to grow close to their cousins, also. I always loved being around my cousins when I was younger and still enjoy seeing them whenever I can.

We did make it to midnight~ New York time! We didn't quiet make it until midnight night our time, but close enough! Maybe next year we will make it.

Today was spent just laying around watching TV. We watched the Rose Bowl Parade (When I say "we" I mean "me.") and watched some bowl games. So, our new year started off quietly and uneventful. Which is just how I like it!



Jackson in his room. They watched Scooby Doo for a little while and thought the burping and "gassing" scene was especially funny!

Jonathan and Bryson, the "big boys" watched Clone Wars on the laptop. They didn't have too much to do with the younger kids. I guess they are at "that age." Our boys are growing up.

These three spent quite a bit of time together. Here they are in Addison's room listening to a book on CD.

Kelly, Carrie and Matthew

Again, the scene in Scooby Doo was pretty funny!

Kian and Addison "reading" books in her room.

Kian drying Addison's hair. He has two older sisters, so he is comfortable playing with the girls!

Oh, there was a lot of play fighting, too!

Addison and Landri just love each other!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FRIENDS!

I hope 2011 is good to you!