Struggling

I am not perfect. Shocking, I know. No, actually, I think I am the only one who thinks I have to try to be perfect. Everyone else can see my flaws. Why do we try to be perfect when there is no possible way to be perfect? Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves? Why do we compare ourselves to others? Why do we immediately criticize others for having faults? (I actually know the answer to that one. It's because of our insecurities that we feel the need to find fault in others so we don't feel so bad about ourselves.) If we know we aren't perfect and never can be, why do we try?

Lately I have been struggling with my eating patterns. I let my guard down some because we have been running so much and now I feel like I am getting out of control. I haven't stepped on a scale in over a month now and don't plan to any time soon. My clothes still fit, but I just "feel" bigger. I don't know if my body is changing and it is feeling different or if I am really "growing." I am just starting to feel lumpy and bumpy. I don't want to undo everything I have worked toward over the past year and a half. I KNOW how hard it is to lose weight. I KNOW how much work and thought I put into everything I ate. I don't want to have to start over again. I guess what I am trying to say in a lot of words is that I am struggling. How do you know when it is time to simply maintain (even if I am not down to where I want to be) or when to keep going?

I feel like I eat pretty healthy and I know I work out plenty. I guess it is all about portion control. That's the hardest thing to get under control. I'll admit it, I like food~ a lot. Food brings out positive emotions in me. I am usually having fun when I am eating. I am usually around friends or family when I am eating. I like food. I just need to like smaller portions of food! :0)

We will run a marathon in four weeks. I am going to work on my portion control from now until then. After we run I am going to step on the scale again and see where I am and where I need to change. I may blog about this process, too. I know I am not the only one struggling with this. I hope to help others along the way as I am trying to help myself. Feel free to ask me how it's going. I could really use the accountability.

I also realize that some people may find it shallow to talk about weight and body image. To the I say, "Don't read my blog!" That is all. :0)

Why I post about all of this...

I post about my workouts all the time. I do this for accountability and to show people that it is possible to fit exercise into a busy schedule. I have also found that some people are inspired by my journey. I love reading success stories and they inspire me, so it makes me feel good to know that some people have been inspired by reading about my journey.

I have found out lately that some people are offended by my posts. They have made comments to people I know insinuating that I am bragging in some way about what I do and how much weight I have lost. At first, I was very defensive and my feelings were hurt.

My intentions were and still are pure and I in no way ever meant to hurt any one. I know some people have "defriended" me from Facebook over this, also. Again, my feelings were hurt, but I guess I will get over it. Haters will hate, I guess.

I will not stop posting. I will continue to share about my journey~ struggles and victories. My hope is that someone will find something that encourages them or inspires them to reach beyond what they ever thought possible.

I am an open book (not so sure that is always a good thing!) and would gladly answer any questions you may have. Although I don't claim to know everything, I do know what has worked/is working for me and what has not worked in the past. If you want to know anything, just ask!!!

Jamie Elizabeth McKay September 10, 1970-January 22, 1992

Twenty

Jamie (2) and Jana (1) February 1973

Twenty years ago I came home from work to find my sister dead on my bed. My life was forever changed.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I came home between school (I was a sophomore in college) and work and she was sick. She had been to the doctor the day before and was diagnosed with the flu. When I saw her she looked terrible~ white as a ghost and wrapped in a blanket on the couch. That was the last time I would see her alive. "Stop moping around," were the last words I ever said to her. Yes, I was the caring little sister that got on her last nerve~ daily.

All through work I just had this nagging feeling that I wanted to go home. (Of course, these things become more apparent after something terrible happens.) I just couldn't shake the feeling. I stayed and worked my shift because we were in the middle of doing inventory and in retail that is the most important day of the year.

I got home around 6:30 on a Wednesday evening. It was dark and cold. There were no lights on in the house. This was odd since I knew she was home. I called her name while turning on lights. When I turned on my light in my bedroom I knew it was too late. I had never seen death before, but it is unmistakable. It's the color of the skin that is a telltale sign. She was laying on my bed like she had just sort of fallen there. One leg was hanging off and her hands were up at her chest. Her eyes were almost shut~ almost. I grabbed my phone instinctively and dialed 911. I don't know what I said, but I do know they asked me if she was breathing. I remember telling them that I couldn't touch her, but that I didn't think so. That's all I remember about the call.

I remember walking around the house waiting for the paramedics to get there. Just wandering aimlessly~ pacing. At some point I called my dad at work (in Waco) and all I remember saying was, "Jamie is dead." I then handed the phone to someone. I don't know who. Those words sounded like they came from someone else. I couldn't possibly have said those words.

I tried to call my mom at work, but she had already left. Those were the days before cell phones. I couldn't warn her of what she was about to walk into at home. I will never forget the look on her face when she walked into the house and saw all then people in there. She was never the same after that.

I will also always remember the sound Jamie's fiancee made when he came to the house and was told she had died. They were less than 8 months away from being married and I can say that he was never the same, either. I guess none of us were. You never know what a huge hole someone will leave in your heart and your world until they are gone.

An autopsy was performed and it was ruled that she developed pneumonia. This diagnosis has never settled well with me. I don't see how a seemingly healthy 21 year old woman can be diagnosed with the flu one day and be dead 24 hours later. I am not doctor, but it just doesn't seem right. I guess when it's your time to go, you just go. It doesn't always make sense.

Jamie and I were your typical sisters. We were 13 months apart (1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day apart to be exact). We fought like nobody's business and talked until the wee hours in the morning. She took care of me and acted like she hated every minute of it. Every time we moved (which was a lot) she let me sleep in her bed until I was ready to sleep in my own. We scratched each others backs at night and sang songs together. We played dolls, Barbies, store, school and house together. We were each others best friend and worst enemy. When we would move we would only have each other until we met new friends. She was the only person who truly understood what it was like to grow up like we did. The only person who really knew the true me.

Through the years I have wondered what it would have been like if she were still around. Would we still bicker and fight? Would we drop by each other's house just because? Would our kids be best friends?

It is hard to believe that I have lived as much of my life without her as I did with her. I have been dreading this day for years. I wondered what it would "feel" like to have lived as long without her as I did with her. It has been so long, but seems so recent. Time is strange.

The picture at the top is one of the last pictures ever taken of her. That was taken in December 1991 and she died about a month later in January 1992. I wish I would have realized that my time with her was coming to an end. You just never know when will be the last time you see someone. You just never know.

This is how I like to remember her. She was about 9 years old here. She was happy and healthy and our world was fairly stable at this point. We were inseparable at this time in our lives.

It took me a long time to stop feeling numb. I returned to school and work. I needed the routine of it all. My mom eventually returned to work. After Jamie's death my mom and I didn't know how to act around each other. Jamie was the "good" kid and I was the "bad" one. She and Jamie got along with each other, where as I just caused trouble. Looking back I realize that I had a lot of anger issues that should have been dealt with. I know how to handle my anger as an adult, but as a kid I just lashed out. This became more apparent after Jamie was gone. My mom and I were so angry/sad/hurt that all we did was snap at each other.

Even though things were tense and we didn't speak, I slept in her bed every night for about a year. I didn't want to sleep in my room~ that is where she died. I didn't want to sleep in Jamie's room~ that is where she lived. My mom's room was the only other option. There I was 20 years old sleeping with my mom. I needed my mom, but was too afraid/scared/proud to say so. So, she let me sleep with her and never said a word about it.

Eventually, I couldn't even be in that house and ended up moving to an apartment by myself. The memories were just too much. My mom moved shortly after that, too. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for her.

I am a changed person because of my sister. I miss being a little sister and being taken care of by her. I am thankful that I have Drew and my kids. They are such a blessing to me. Even though I often wonder why things happen the way they do, I know that I am not in control. My ways are not God's ways. His plan is perfect even though it isn't always what we would choose. I know I will see my sister again. We accepted Christ as our Saviour at the same time and were even baptized together. I look forward to the day I can see her again and give her a great big little sister hug.

Checking In!

This is my first post in the new year. I don't have/find time to blog much lately. Our life is not that exciting anyway. I am in the middle of training for the Cowtown Marathon. I never in my life thought I would ever say that. I thought all marathon runners were a little (a lot) crazy. Now, I am one of them. I am not, however, taking it to the extreme. We are not on a strict training schedule. We decided before even signing up that we just couldn't do that to ourselves and to our families. We agreed that if we need to walk some during the marathon that we wouldn't beat ourselves up about it. Walking does not equal failure. Failure would be not even trying. Completing the race will be our success.

I have been dealing with a nagging knee issue, though. It stays swollen most of the time and is painful to walk and run. There is nothing I can do about it besides not running or having surgery and neither of those things are going to happen. So, I just forge forward and try not to let it get me down. I may have to buy ibuprofen by the case at Sam's, though! I am planning on getting it looked at eventually if it doesn't go away on it's own after we stop running so much. After the marathon, I may take some time off and just walk or cross train. We'll see. Since the end of August we have only taken two Saturdays off from running. Two. Since October we have run atleast 20 miles a week. Maybe that is why my knee hurts! I never considered myself a runner, but not I am beginning to think I am. Who would have thought?!?

Bryson has his first basketball game this weekend. Drew is coaching him. I think that is so neat and hopefully Bryson will have some fond memories of his daddy coaching him. I can't wait to see them both in action! Bryson is doing well in sixth grade. He is will Drew most of the time and I hardly ever see him. He is almost as tall as I am and finally weighs over 100 pounds. Wasn't it just yesterday that he was a tiny, less than seven pound baby? Oh my goodness, how time is flying by.

Jackson is half-way through second grade! I can't believe it! He remains the sweetest little thing. The other day he wrote, "I am the luckiest boy," on my iPad. I asked him why he was so lucky. He said, "Because I have the best mom in the world." He is just so sweet. He holds the door open for me and almost always says "Yes, ma'am" and "No, ma'am."

Addison is as animated as ever. She is happy most of the time and knows how to make me laugh. Her little personality is just blossoming and she is one of a kind! She loves her "Lady's Day" and enjoys hanging out with me and Drew. She still watches Sesame Street and LOVES to play with her apps on my iPad. I can't wait to see her start school in the fall. She is going to do so great!

Drew is as great as ever. We are working on getting some things squared away so we can have a little more financial freedom in the coming years. Paying off bills is a lot like going on a diet. It takes time and preseverence to make it through. I am hopeful that we are moving in the right direction.

We had a great Christmas break. This was the first year we didn't go up to Oklahoma. I missed it but just wanted to stay home this year. I have been very emotional lately and just didn't want to have to deal with all the memories I have up there. My feelings have been very raw and being up there just seems to make them worse right now. We are hoping to go back up there over Spring Break.

I am still teaching a boot camp class after school two days a week and I am still enjoying it. I am hopeful that the people who are coming are getting something out of the class. I really enjoy working with adults and hope that I can teach them something. Could this lead to something else? Who knows! I am open to all possibilities!

That's about all! The weeks are moving fast! I am looking forward to the second half of the school year and especially looking forward to my time off in the summer!