January 22

I hate this date.  Like, I cringe when I see it written down somewhere.  Whenever I see it I immediately go back to the evening of January 22, 1992.  On that day my life as I knew it changed forever. 

Around 6:30-7:00 pm I walked into my house where I lived with my mom and my sister to find it dark.  There were no lights on at all.  My sister's truck was parked in the driveway, so I knew she had to be there.  I had seen her earlier in the day in between school and work.  She looked horrible and I told her so.  She was sick.  She had stayed home from work which she vary rarely did.  I began turning on the lights and calling her name. There was no answer.  I finally made it to the back of the house to my room and switched on the light.  There she was, on my bed, and I knew.  I knew.  My life would never be the same.  She looked like she had kind of fallen on the bed.  Her body was on and her head was on the pillow, but her feet were off.  Her legs were straight, too straight, but her feet were off the edge of the bed.  Her eyes were neither open or shut.  They were stuck somewhere in between.  Her color was grey.  I knew by the color of her skin that she was gone.  When you see death you know it.

I did dial 911, but I knew it was too late.  I told them I needed help.  I told them my sister was dead on my bed.  They asked me if she was breathing, but I couldn't touch her.  They said they would send help, but I knew there was nobody that could help.  I remember walking around the house asking out loud, "What do I do?"  I remember calling my dad at work in Waco and telling him, "Jamie is dead."  I didn't sugar coat it.  I didn't think to break the news gently.  I didn't think about guarding his feelings.  I just said it.  I said it, but it couldn't possibly be true.My big sister who was just 13 months older than me, who I looked up to, fought with, confided in, took money from, stole clothes from, loved and hated at the same time was gone and would never come back.

I remember thinking about my mom and what she would do when she got home.  I will never forget the look on her face when she walked in to find paramedics everywhere and me crying about Jamie being dead.  I remember that was the first time she hugged me in years.  After that, I can just remember flashes of things.  Little snippets of people coming into our house and trying to help.  Packing a bag to go stay at my aunt and uncle's house.  Being questioned by the police about how I found her and what I was doing before and after I found her.  Where I had been and the last time I had spoken to her.  So many questions and nothing made sense.

Fast forward.  An autopsy was performed and it was determined that she died from pneumonia which caused cardiac arrest.  She had been diagnosed with the flu the day before and apparently it had developed into pneumonia very quickly.

There was a funeral three days later.  People were there.  Friends from high school came to pay their respects and I'm sure to find out if the unthinkable really happened.  I don't remember much about that day.  I don't remember who was there.  I was there and I shouldn't have had to be.  That's all that mattered at that moment.  I was there and I was robbed of the big sister I grew up with and who had protected me every time we had to change schools and start over.  The sister who gave me money when I didn't have any for lunch or who gave me a ride when I didn't have one.  She was gone and I was left to continue living.

I went back to school and to work.  My mom and I continued to live with each other although we had nothing to say to each other.  We existed. I slept in her room for a year because I couldn't sleep in my room where Jamie had died.  We slept in the same bed, but we didn't talk.  She was never the same and neither was I.  How could we be? 

I always wonder what good has come out of my sister dying.  Aren't all things suppose to work together for good?  Did she have to die so things would work out in my life or my mom's life.  Did she have to die so my life would continue on the right course.  Were we suppose to learn something from her death or grow in some way.  Did God allow this to happen?  Orchestrate it?  Why did this happen?

I know my mom asked herself these same questions over the years.  I know it isn't our place to know why things happen.  Sometimes we may see something good that comes from a bad situation, but oftentimes we don't.  My mom has since died and I have asked myself the same questions about her death.  Why are the two people I grew up with and who knew me best gone? 

I don't feel sorry for myself (most of the time) any more.  I now have a husband and three kids who love me more than I ever imagined I could be loved.  I often wonder what life would be like if they were still here.  I'm sure I wouldn't appreciate them like they should be appreciated.  I'm sure I would take them for granted.  I'm sure we would argue and bicker about insignificant things.  I'm sure I would love them.

Each year I dread this date.  It has now been 21 years since that horrific night.  I was 20 and she was 21.  She has been dead as long as she was here and still I think of her.  My big sister.

Home

Today I am home with Addison because she has strep throat again.  This is the third time she has had it this school year.  I have never missed this much work (Unless you count being on maternity leave~ which I'm not!).  I stayed home with her on Tuesday, also, and Drew stayed home with her yesterday.  On Tuesday we just laid around and watched WAY TOO MUCH tv.  Way. Too. Much.  I didn't want to do that today, so I have been cooking (yes, ME, cooking), cleaning, washing, baking and maybe watching just a little tv.  She has helped some in the kitchen and has watched her fair share of Nickjr. 

It's funny, when I'm at work I want to be at home and when I am at home all I can think about is being at work.  Weird, I know.  I am not one of those people who can just take off work for no reason except just to have a day off.  I was taught that you only take off from work if your HAVE to, not if you just WANT to.  This year I have missed for jury duty and to stay home with Addison who has been sick at least three times since August.  I am hopeful that her body is just trying to built up some immunity this first year in school and she will be healthy from here on out.  A mama can hope, right!

I am thankful for my job and having people at work who will help me out when I need to be gone. It is nice to know that someone has your back when you have to be gone.  I may think about work when I'm at home, but I don't worry about work.  There is a difference.

This is a pretty boring post, but I am determined to blog more this year and this just happens to be what is going on right now!

Five weeks until marathon Sunday!  We are still training, but I am looking forward to "retiring" from the long races.  My knee will thank me!

7 weeks

In seven weeks I will run my second and LAST full marathon. Today was a long run day (we ran 12 miles) and I can say with confidence that I will NEVER do this again. It's not that I don't enjoy running with my friend, nancy, or like the cardiovascular benefits of all the running, it's just that, frankly, it hurts! My body kind of rebels after a long run. I won't go into detail, but, trust me, it's not pretty! Also, my knee swells to about twice its normal size and I have something going on with my SI joint. Running is not for the weak!

Drew also has sacrificed so much to allow me to do this. Running takes up 2-3 hours each Saturday (just the running part) then it takes me the rest of the day to recover physically. While I am doing this he is taking care of the kids, house, laundry and everything else that needs to be done. Our running season lasts about 6 months, so it's time for me to stop spending so much time on just me and start focusing on him and the kids.

I will still run some, maybe some shorter distances. And I want to start running with Jackson. He has some natural talent and enjoys running, so I want to support him and encourage him any way I can.

I have learned a lot about myself through this whole process. I am stronger than I thought I was and can accomplish things I NEVER thought I could. I've learned that I am mentally tough and can fight through even the toughest situations. I am someone who could barely run 1/4 mile in high school without feeling like I wanted to curl up and die to someone who has completed a FULL marathon. Not too many years ago I was doing good to run ONE mile. Not long after that I felt so accomplished to run three miles without stopping. Now running ten miles is considered an "easy" run day. Crazy, I know!

I have had to redefine my idea of success. When we started training for our first half-marathon I would get so down on myself if I needed to walk a little bit during a long run. I thought I was only successful if I ran the ENTIRE time. Now I know that walking some is okay and doesn't mean I failed or was unsuccessful. I have learned that some days running is easy and some days it is hard. I have learned to listen to my body and slow down when I'm not feeling right. I have learned that I can run for completion and not competition. I have learned that its okay to be proud of myself.

So, seven weeks from now I will finish what I started a few years ago. It has been exciting, hard, gut-wrenching and somewhat enjoyable! :0)

Not a good day.

I just need to be honest and say that I had a horrible eating day today. I don't know what got not me, but I wanted everything in sight! I know tomorrow is a new day and I AM NOT defeated! I just need to be honest and say that I'm not giving up. I will NEVER give up my quest to live a healthier life. As I said in my last post, you can't be perfect! It is not an all or nothing event and I will do better tomorrow. I hope you know that it is okay to slip up. It doesn't make us a bad person or a failure. I am human, you are human. We mess up. There I feel better. Now, on with my life!

New Year, New You

I have been thinking about my friends and family who have made resolutions to get healthy, lose weight, take better care of themselves, exercise, etc.  I just want to offer up some words of encouragement.  I have fought the weight loss battle (still am) and have come out with many battle wounds.  It is so easy to start off strong and get derailed by the smallest thing.  A negative comment from a spouse, friend, co-worker, or family member can cause the most devoted person to go running for the cookie jar.

Many people have asked me over the years how to lose weight.  I always tell them to be patient and not to look at it as an all or nothing event.  Losing weight is a process.  There will be good days and bad days.  There are days that you crave everything in sight and days where eating healthy comes so naturally.  Just keep your eye on the big picture.  Where do you want to be a year from now?  Of course, we all want to be healthier than we are now.  Whether we reach our goal weight this year or not, we want to be better than we are right now.  So, be patient and give yourself some slack.  You cannot be perfect.  You will slip up.  Just know that if you are eating healthier more often than you aren't or you are exercising more often than your aren't or you are taking time for yourself more often than you do now, you are making progress.  Weight loss is a journey and not a destination.  Take the time to change your lifestyle so you will be able to maintain a healthy way of living for the rest of your life.  There are no quick fixes, magic pills or miracle surgeries.  It takes dedication and hard work.  I wish each of you well.  Here's to a healthier, happier you 12 months from now!

Well, hello...

I am back and ready to continue blogging! I have taken a break, but would like to get back on the wagon so I can document the events going on in our life.

I first have to write about our CRAZY trip up to my grandparent's house last week.  If we are FB friends, you probably already know of the craziness we went through. If not, sit back and enjoy at our expense!

Snow and ice was in the forecast for Christmas day.  I didn't really think it would happen, but Drew did.  We talked about leaving for Oklahoma around noon that day, but Drew kept talking about leaving earlier.  Again, I didn't really think the weather people were right (they hardly ever are!), so I went back to bed after the kids opened presents.  They woke us up at 5 am, so I had plenty of time to get a nap! I finally got up and started throwing some stuff in a bag.  We leave clothes for all seasons up there so we don't have to take too much.  Drew was already loading the car and getting things ready.  In fact, he never went back to bed.  

By the time we were loaded and in the car it was 10:00.  I had been raining for several hours at this point and the temperature was in the upper 30's.  We had eaten a little breakfast but were starting to get hungry around noon.  We noticed that the only places that were open were convenience stores and the occasional drug store.  Even McDonald's was closed.  We FINALLY found a Jack in the Box in Paris, TX open.  Apparently, we aren't the only crazy people who travel on Christmas day.  Jack in the Box was packed!  When Drew ordered he learned they were out of chicken nuggets, Coke and tea.  By the way, it was still raining~ hard.

We ate lunch and were on our way.  By the time we got to Broken Bow, the rain had turned to sleet.  In a matter of minutes the sleet turned to snow.  In the blink of an eye the snow turned into a blizzard and the roads were covered!  Addie had to stop and poo at this point, so Drew found a gas station. Gross, I know, but what else do you do???  When we got back on the road the roads were starting to get slippery.  Thankfully there wasn't a lot of traffic because we started slipping and sliding all over the highway!  It is a two-lane road and we were in the other lane a lot of the time at one point.  The roads are very curvy, also.  At times we were going sideways along the highway.  Needless to say, I was a nervous wreck!  I didn't help the kids' nerves, either. I called my grandparents at this point to tell them the road conditions and to expect us later than we had planned.  We still had about 35 miles to go and Drew could only drive about 20-25 mph.  By the time we were 10 miles away from their house Addie had to poop again!  This time there was no gas station.  We stopped on the highway so she could go.  We couldn't even pull off onto the shoulder for fear of getting stuck.  There really aren't shoulders on this highway so we would have had to go down into a little ditch.  Thankfully there wasn't any traffic and Addie took care of business quickly!

We finally made it to their house and only had one more hill to go up.  Drew made it about 2/3 of the way up the hill and started sliding sideways and backward.  He went back down and tried to gain some momentum, but that didn't work either.  After the third attempt, he decided not to push it.  We stayed in the car and he walked up the hill to get a four-wheeler.  He brought it back down to us so we could ride it up to the house. My uncle got his tractor and pulled Drew up the hill to the house.  The snow was still coming down hard at this point.  While Drew and the boys were unloading the car (this is their job) I made a snowman.  

After the car was unloaded we all went inside to warm up.  My grandmother had been cooking a ham all day so we peeled some potatoes for potato salad.  Before we even put the potatoes on to boil the electricity went off.  It does that sometimes during storms and usually comes back on in just a little while.  After an hour or so we knew it wasn't going to come back on for a while.  We found some lanterns and old oil lamps for light.  We also reminded the kids not to flush the toilets because they are on a septic system and the pumps run on electricity.  Of course, all three had to go after we told them that!  Go figure!  We were hungry for dinner by then, so we had ham and the peanut butter cake we brought from home.  That ended up being our Christmas meal!

We didn't have the heater but the living room stayed warm because of a propane heater they have.  We decided we would all sleep in the living room to stay warm.  That's when the heater went out.  We were out of propane.  So, the house was dark (except for the lanterns and oil lamps), we couldn't flush and were now without our only source of heat.  AND it was only about 7:00 in the evening!  I knew it was going to be a long night!

Finally, about an hour or so later we decided to try and sleep.  The boys had sleeping bags to sleep on the floor in the living room.  My granddad fell asleep in his recliner.  Drew, Addie and I went to our room and my grandmother went to her bed.  At some point during the night the electricity came back on.  I woke up to the sound of the heater going and knew the day was going to be okay.  

When we finally got up the snow outside was just beautiful.  It had continued to snow during the night and it covered everything.  They probably got 5-6 inches.  Later I went out on the four-wheeler to take some pictures.  The trails were mostly impassable because the snow made the branches of the trees so heavy they bent over in the trails.  It was so pretty!  The snow was still on the ground when we left on Saturday.  We had fun playing in the snow and walking on the trails.  I have never seen snow like that up there and it was awesome!