Arctic Blast and Some Scattered Thoughts

We were stuck in the house all week because of the Arctic Blast that blew into Texas and stayed around for a few days. The first two days were wonderful! We laid around watching TV, sleeping and eating. After that, though, it started to get a little tiresome. I was itching to get out of the house. I went to the gym a couple of times just to have someplace to go. The first day I ventured out I saw a lady slam her SUV into a concrete barrier in the median of the highway and saw several other cars slipping and sliding around on the streets. By the time I made it to the gym I was a nervous wreck. It was probably the dumbest thing I did that day. I really should have not been out on the streets driving around just for the sake of getting out of the house. Not a smart move. I still had to make it back home, too. I also needed gas. The next day I still went to the gym, but the roads weren't quite as bad.


During this time at home I had a lot of time to think. Yeah, I know, not always a good thing! Some thoughts have been running through my mind for several months now and last week I spent a little more time throwing these ideas around. So many times I compare myself to other people. I want to be like this person, I want to look like that person, I want to be as successful as __________, I wish I had personal style like ____________, I wish my house looked like ___________, and so on and so forth. So, I started thinking: Why is it so bad to just be ME? What is so wrong with me that I want to change me? So, I have decided to just be the best ME I can be. Whatever that is. I know I am not perfect. I know I have many faults and flaws. But, I also know I have some good points. My goal is to try to focus on what I do well and try to be the best person I can be~ not to compare myself to other people, but to compare myself to me.


I have always had it in my head that I want to be a certain size or shape. I would look at other people and wish I could look like them. Last summer I started on a journey to lose 20 pounds. I had a vision of what I would look like 20 pounds lighter. As the weight started coming off, though, I couldn't see the changes that I wanted to see. I still looked like me. People started commenting about how much I had lost and I just couldn't see it. When I looked in the mirror I still saw all the flaws. I didn't see the changes that were taking place. I know it's hard to notice changes when you see yourself every day, but I just couldn't believe that it was visible to others. Once the 20 pounds were gone, I still wasn't satisfied. I wanted to lose 5 more. Maybe if I lost 5 more I would be satisfied. I know it is an endless cycle. I know that it is not really about the weight. I know this, but it is hard to get out of this way of thinking.


During this journey (and a lot of time spent thinking this past week) I began to wonder why I wanted to look like __________ or __________. Why try to be someone I am not? Not only did I start to change on the outside, but I started to change on the inside. I started to realize that I am never going to look like another person because I am NOT that person. I am me and I need to be the best me I can be. I know I would be a lot less frustrated with things if I would just stop comparing myself to other people and just try to be the best person I can be.


I know this may sound stupid to some people and trivial to others, but it isn't to me. I have never really been happy with myself for many reasons. It is time that I stop criticizing myself and start focusing on my positive attributes. If I do this, I know I will be a better wife, mother, teacher, daughter, sister, friend, etc. I may not be perfect, but I am me. Take me or leave me. Either way, I am going to make it. Either way I am going to be the best I can be.


So, I hope you will stay with me during this process. I know I am not always easy to be around, but just know that I am trying. I know that the people who truly love me will be there for me when I need them most. I know that even when I won't ask for help the people who love me will be there to offer their help. I know that this is not going to be a short, quick journey. But, I also know that I will come through it a better person. Thank you, in advance, to the people who will help me be the best me I can be.

"S" Happenings

Stock Show
Pily was in town last weekend, so we took her and the kids to the Stock Show. Her future school is right across the street, so we stopped and took her picture in front of the school's sign. Just a few more months and she will have her "official" white coat! I am super excited for her and super excited that she will just be minutes away from us!

Stinky
The kids didn't enjoy seeing the animals at the Stock Show because "they stink!" I told them that they stink too, but they didn't see the humor in it. We ended up spending most of our time paying too much money to ride the carnival rides. Yes, I know, this is what they want you to do and we played right into their hands. $4 for a ride is ridiculous, but we paid it anyway. The kids had fun, though, so that's all that matters. No, Drew didn't ride anything. He is afraid of dying on a carnival-type ride, so he just watched. I, on the other hand, love to ride rides! I am hoping one of my kids will want to ride with me when we go to Disney World this summer. I'll feel really stupid riding all by myself!

Snow
It snowed/iced here last night so we are off work! I was awake off and on all night. I just couldn't sleep very well. I could here it raining/sleeting and could hear the wind blowing around like crazy. Around 2-3 in the morning, it turned to just sleet. My alarm went off at 4 and I decided not to go to the gym. I didn't want to chance it. No workout is worth the $500 it would cost me for my car insurance deductible. At 4:30 I took a Simply Sleep and prayed for a call from the school district saying school was cancelled. I was so sleepy, but couldn't sleep, so I just took my chances that it would be cancelled and took the pretty blue pill that leads to happy sleepiness! It paid off and I was able to sleep until noonish.

Seven
The number of times the district's automated phone system called to say school was cancelled. Once the phones stopped ringing I was able to get some good sleep in.

Stuck
We are pretty much stuck in our house. Our driveway is rather steep and Drew is afraid we couldn't get back up the driveway if we backed out of the garage. This is fine, but I KNOW that cabin fever will start to rear its ugly little head if this lasts too much longer.

Sick
Jackson woke up Monday morning saying he thought he was going to throw up. He is usually pretty honest with us and knows when he is going to be sick, so I stayed home with him. He said he "threw up a little bit," but I never (thank goodness) saw any evidence to confirm this. He stayed in bed most of the morning and spent the rest of the evening watching movies with Addison in her room. By evening, he was just fine. Who knows, maybe he pulled one over on us. I probably won't be so quick to believe him in the future. And, yes, I told him this!

Stuffed
Drew has been home with us today, so he has been cooking. He brought me some yummy breakfast in bed when I was in between sleeping. I ate so much that I told him I couldn't eat anything until dinner. I got hungry around 2:00 and had a couple of oranges, though. He also made a fabulous chocolate cake. After dinner (his wonderful beans and cornbread), I had a piece. And, yes, it was as wonderful and chocolately as I knew it would be! I enjoyed every stinkin' bite!

Super Excited
We found out earlier this evening that school is closed again tomorrow! I know, I know we are going to have to make up these days, but I am going to enjoy every second right now! Snow days are just so exciting for kids and teachers!

I think that is about all the "S" things going on right now! Stay tuned, I'm sure there is more to come in the days ahead!

19 Years~ I Remember

I almost have lived without her as long as I lived with her. This is hard to wrap my mind around. Honestly, it seems like yesterday. I can't believe it has been this long. Some things you never forget. Each day in January that leads up to the 22nd, the events of that awful night 19 years ago play in my mind. I blogged about it a couple of years ago here. You can read the whole horrific story, if you want.

I remember each detail like it just happened. The sounds, smells, sights, people are just too real. I remember making the 911 call and then the call to my dad. I remember wandering through the house not knowing what to do until help arrived. I remember feeling so helpless. I remember feeling my life crash all around me. I remember the sound of her fiancee's cry when he was first told she was gone. I remember how heavy but empty my chest felt for days, weeks and months afterward. I remember how my mom seemed like a shell of herself. I remember that she and I would go days without saying a word to each other. Each greiving together, but separately. I remember cleaning out her room. I remember knowing that I couldn't sleep in my room because that is where I found her. I couldn't sleep in her room because it was HER room. I remember being 20 years old and sleeping with my mom like a toddler because I couldn't stand to be alone in that house where she died.

I remember how she and I could bring out the worst in each other. I remember how we could also bring out the best in each other. I remember knowing that she would take care of me, her little sister, when I couldn't take care of myself. I remember "borrowing" money from her always with the promise of paying her back, knowing that I never would. I remember that she never hesitated to give it to me anyway. I remember the way she would dream about being a mom and raising her own kids. I remember her laugh and her smile. Her cry and her scowl. Her anger and her joy.

I remember how we were afraid to say her name afterward because it hurt so badly. I remember going with my mom to choose her headstone and how she wanted it to be perfect. I remember turning my head when passing the cementary because I couldn't stand to see it. I remember my mom's silent tears that seemed to come out of nowhere. I remember how my mom and I would take our anger and hurt out on each other because we just didn't know what else to do. I remember feeling alone.

I REMEMBER.

Bullet Points

Pily has "reprimanded" me for not updating my blog more often, so here goes. Oh, and these bullet points are not in chronological order. I don't really care to be that organized!

• I took Addie shopping with me on Thursday. I wasn't planning on buying anything. I just wanted to look and try some things on. I NEVER try anything on, but I need to right now because I'm not really sure what size I am. I took Addie and some clothes into the fitting room and she thought that was really fun until I started taking off my pants! I think I freaked her out a little bit. I had to explain to her why I was taking my clothes off in a store! Remember, I NEVER try anything on so she hasn't experienced a fitting room before! After I was finished, she thought it was funny that I took my clothes off in a store! I guess I should get her out more often!
• Pily has decided to go to medical school in Fort Worth and we are VERY excited about that. We can't wait for July 19th to get here! We can go see her anytime we want and she can come hang out with us in her spare time! Ha! We probably won't get to see her as much as we think we will, but maybe she will come over for some food every once in a while!
• Speaking of Pily, she was here last weekend and into the week. She was able to hang out with us for several days and see just how exciting we really are. I don't think she will ever be the same! Ha! Seriously, we are VERY boring! On Tuesday, she and Addie spent the day together. They went to Let's Jump and Jason's Deli for lunch. Then they read books and Pily painted Addie's toe nails. That sounded like a near-perfect day to me! Addie was really upset when Pily had to leave the next morning. She will be back, though!
• Nancy and I are running again. I didn't think I would ever want to run again about six weeks ago, but never say never, I guess! We aren't going to run every weekend, maybe just every other weekend. Whatever fits into our schedules. We are also going to start off with some shorter runs. Hopefully I can get my body used to running gradually and it won't hurt so much as we increase our mileage. I WANT to enjoy running, so I just need to take it slow at first and build up gradually.
• I found an awesome app for my phone last weekend. It's called Nike Women's Training. We tried some of the workouts this week and let me just say that they are tough! My abs may never be the same! They were so sore I couldn't even take a deep breath without hurting. I am still a little sore from our first workout on Monday. I like that we have found a way to change up our workouts. I was ready for a change and so were my muscles. I have felt muscles I didn't know I had! Plus, the time goes by really quickly because there is no time to rest.
• Bryson has his first basketball game today. He is playing with the YMCA this year. Hopefully he will have a good time and continue to enjoy it.
• I have finally lost 20 pounds since last July. I have actually hit my original goal, but I lowered it 5 pounds. I want to have a little cushion when I am trying to maintain my loss. It has been tough, but rewarding. At least now I KNOW I can do it and I know how to do it the right way. The loss was slow, but hopefully I can keep it off. I am determined to get it off and keep it off. I want to be healthy and teach my kids how to live a healthy life. I don't want them to have to lose a large amount of weight when they are older. It is easier to maintain than to lose a large amount, so hopefully some of my good habits will rub off on them!

That's about all that is going on. I will try to take and post some pictures next time!

Happy New Year!

I just had to document this for Kelly~ Her LAST diet Coke!





This may come as a shock to you, but we aren't very exciting people. I know, I know, that is some hard news to take in. We don't go out a lot. We enjoy spending time at home. just relaxing.

This year for New Year's Eve we asked Drew's brothers and their families if they would like to come hang out with us. Unfortunately, David had to work, but everyone else was able to come. We just sat around and talked and ate dinner. Nothing fancy~ Drew just grilled hamburgers and the kids had hot dogs. Again, we aren't very exciting!

The kids, on the other hand, enjoy some excitement. The eight cousins played together~relatively well. It's hard to have complete cooperation when the ages range from 3 to 11, but they were pretty good.

Since I don't have much family, I enjoy it when everyone gets to hang out together. We don't do it often enough, so hopefully this year we can work on that. We all live within 15 miles of each other, so it really shouldn't be a big deal to get together every once in a while. I really want to kids to grow close to their cousins, also. I always loved being around my cousins when I was younger and still enjoy seeing them whenever I can.

We did make it to midnight~ New York time! We didn't quiet make it until midnight night our time, but close enough! Maybe next year we will make it.

Today was spent just laying around watching TV. We watched the Rose Bowl Parade (When I say "we" I mean "me.") and watched some bowl games. So, our new year started off quietly and uneventful. Which is just how I like it!



Jackson in his room. They watched Scooby Doo for a little while and thought the burping and "gassing" scene was especially funny!

Jonathan and Bryson, the "big boys" watched Clone Wars on the laptop. They didn't have too much to do with the younger kids. I guess they are at "that age." Our boys are growing up.

These three spent quite a bit of time together. Here they are in Addison's room listening to a book on CD.

Kelly, Carrie and Matthew

Again, the scene in Scooby Doo was pretty funny!

Kian and Addison "reading" books in her room.

Kian drying Addison's hair. He has two older sisters, so he is comfortable playing with the girls!

Oh, there was a lot of play fighting, too!

Addison and Landri just love each other!

HAPPY NEW YEAR, FRIENDS!

I hope 2011 is good to you!

Better Late Than Never!

I know, I know, it has been too long since my last post. I am just going to start typing and see what comes out.

We have started giving the boys an allowance. We tried this in the past with Bryson, but I think he was too young to really understand what was going on. Here is what we came up with: The first week they do their chores without complaint they will receive $1 each. The next week they do their chores without complaint they will each receive $2 each. This will continue each week until their reach their maximum of $5. It will remain at $5 per week as long as they do their chores without complaint. As soon as they complain about doing their part in our family, they drop back down to $1 per week and have to earn their way back up to $5. So far, we are on week 3 and they haven't complained about keeping their rooms clean, emptying the trash cans, taking out the trash and recycle things, cleaning their bathroom and vacuuming the house. I am only out $6 so far and it has been good. Drew didn't think it would last this long, but they have proved him wrong. They have also learned that money is hard to earn and it doesn't go as far as we want it to.

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We spent the first week of Christmas break in Oklahoma. I LOVE being up there with my grandparents. I know they won't always be around, so we are going to try to spend as much time as we can with they while they are still here. My granddad wasn't feeling too well while we were there and that is always hard to see. I hate seeing him suffer and in pain. He seems to have many more bad days than good days and I know it must be hard to live like that.

The first night we were there Addison kept complaining that her stomach hurt. She finally threw up early in the morning. Bryson followed suit the next evening. I was so afraid that the rest of us would get whatever they had, but we never did. Thank goodness! I become CRAZY when someone is sick! I HATE stomach bugs and go a little nuts. Hopefully, it will not resurface. Enough about that!

We came home on Christmas Eve and spent Christmas morning at our house. We haven't done this many times since we have been married and it was nice. I liked not having to load up all the presents and Santa stuff and take all of that with us out of town. We may have to do that again next year.

This week we have just spent some time at home relaxing and hanging out. It has really been a good relaxing break and hopefully will allow us to get through to Spring Break! I'm not sure how many weeks away that is, but I will assume that it is around 10.

They boys are spending the night with their cousins tonight, so we are just a family of three for an evening! Addison is enjoying the extra attention and I am enjoying not having to listen to fighting sounds all night! If you have boys, you know the sounds I am talking about!

I know this wasn't a very interesting post, but I plan on coming back in the NEAR future with something a little better. Right now I am going to go lay on the couch and see if Drew will rub my feet! :0)

Runner's High?

I will admit that I am not a very good runner. Maybe it's my attitude that makes me a poor runner. I don't work out all my problems or lose myself in the scenery. I just try to get through it. I took up running because I knew it would change my body. I have worked out for years, but I wasn't seeing the results I wanted to see. I couldn't get rid of the 20 pounds I wanted so desperately to lose. I knew running would do it, but I also knew that I don't enjoy it.

It helped to have the half-marathon as a goal. I kept my eyes on that and that is the only thing that got me to run some days. There were days I wanted to stay in bed instead of get out in the cold, dark morning, but I wanted to be prepared to run. Some days were TOUGH. One day I made it to 5 miles and couldn't do any more. I walked and ran the remaining 4, but I felt like such a failure. I cried during my walk/run part that day and questioned why I ever thought I could do something like this. After beating myself up all week about it, I went out and ran 10 miles the following Saturday. I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.

Now that the half-marathon is over I don't really know how I feel about running. I still have 5 of the 20 pounds to lose. I know I can get it off if I continue to run, but I don't know if it is worth it. I am taking a week off from running in hopes that I can get some of the desire back.

I don't think I am built to run long distances. I have short, big legs and wide hips. No serious runner is shaped like me. Runners are sleek and small. I am neither of those. I could run until my feet fell off and I would never be built like a runner. I think I may be better at a 5k or 10k distance. Maybe I wouldn't have to spend an entire day recovering after a shorter run. Running anything over 6 or 7 miles just does me in. It is at those distances that I start to have a horrible attitude about running. I don't know, maybe it is just my horrible attitude right now.

Right now I am cranky and tired. I don't know if it has anything to do with the run on Sunday or not. I feel like my body is just tired. My chest is tight and I don't feel like I can take a deep breath. I feel like I want to sit down all the time. I don't even want to be around people. It's almost like a form of depression. I hope this is normal and things will regulate themselves. If this is my body's response to running, I don't think it is worth it.

Hopefully my week-long break from running will help. I think what I am going to have to do is not worry about what everyone around me is doing and just do what is right for me. I always feel like I have to be a certain size or number on the scale or perform at a level that may not be right for me. I'm not saying I don't want to better myself or push myself, I just wonder when the cost is too high.

These are some of the things I am going to have to work out in my head. I am going to have to decide what is best for me and my family for that matter. Drew has to do some of my share of the work when I am too wiped out to function after a long run. Seriously, I can barely get out of bed for several hours some days after a long run. Is it worth it? I'm starting to think it's not. Time is bed it time not spent with my kids or with Drew. It is time that he has to work extra hard when I could be helping him around the house. I have some serious thinking to do.

So, "Runner's High?" I haven't ever really experienced that. Maybe I am trying too hard and should just let my body be the guide.