Runner's High?

I will admit that I am not a very good runner. Maybe it's my attitude that makes me a poor runner. I don't work out all my problems or lose myself in the scenery. I just try to get through it. I took up running because I knew it would change my body. I have worked out for years, but I wasn't seeing the results I wanted to see. I couldn't get rid of the 20 pounds I wanted so desperately to lose. I knew running would do it, but I also knew that I don't enjoy it.

It helped to have the half-marathon as a goal. I kept my eyes on that and that is the only thing that got me to run some days. There were days I wanted to stay in bed instead of get out in the cold, dark morning, but I wanted to be prepared to run. Some days were TOUGH. One day I made it to 5 miles and couldn't do any more. I walked and ran the remaining 4, but I felt like such a failure. I cried during my walk/run part that day and questioned why I ever thought I could do something like this. After beating myself up all week about it, I went out and ran 10 miles the following Saturday. I just wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.

Now that the half-marathon is over I don't really know how I feel about running. I still have 5 of the 20 pounds to lose. I know I can get it off if I continue to run, but I don't know if it is worth it. I am taking a week off from running in hopes that I can get some of the desire back.

I don't think I am built to run long distances. I have short, big legs and wide hips. No serious runner is shaped like me. Runners are sleek and small. I am neither of those. I could run until my feet fell off and I would never be built like a runner. I think I may be better at a 5k or 10k distance. Maybe I wouldn't have to spend an entire day recovering after a shorter run. Running anything over 6 or 7 miles just does me in. It is at those distances that I start to have a horrible attitude about running. I don't know, maybe it is just my horrible attitude right now.

Right now I am cranky and tired. I don't know if it has anything to do with the run on Sunday or not. I feel like my body is just tired. My chest is tight and I don't feel like I can take a deep breath. I feel like I want to sit down all the time. I don't even want to be around people. It's almost like a form of depression. I hope this is normal and things will regulate themselves. If this is my body's response to running, I don't think it is worth it.

Hopefully my week-long break from running will help. I think what I am going to have to do is not worry about what everyone around me is doing and just do what is right for me. I always feel like I have to be a certain size or number on the scale or perform at a level that may not be right for me. I'm not saying I don't want to better myself or push myself, I just wonder when the cost is too high.

These are some of the things I am going to have to work out in my head. I am going to have to decide what is best for me and my family for that matter. Drew has to do some of my share of the work when I am too wiped out to function after a long run. Seriously, I can barely get out of bed for several hours some days after a long run. Is it worth it? I'm starting to think it's not. Time is bed it time not spent with my kids or with Drew. It is time that he has to work extra hard when I could be helping him around the house. I have some serious thinking to do.

So, "Runner's High?" I haven't ever really experienced that. Maybe I am trying too hard and should just let my body be the guide.