The Aftermath...

Something happens to me after a race~ I become depressed. I recognize it now. That hasn't always been the case. The day after this marathon was so hard for me. I was on the verge of tears all day. Whenever someone asked me about the run I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to be happy, but I just wasn't. I am better today. The blues are fading. It is so strange to feel sad when I should feel proud, happy, relieved that it is over. In a way it doesn't seem like I even ran a marathon. I almost feel like it was a dream. The pain I experienced doesn't seem real. Is it like childbirth?  We forget, so we do it again??? Hopefully, I have learned that my ody doesn't respond we'll to all the running. If I do forget, Drew will remind me!

I have googled "post running depression" and I'm not the only person in the world who has experienced this. I am not abnormal after all! I think I probably just need some rest and a new goal. I haven't gone to the gym all week. I have taught boot camp this week, but that's a job. I have to do that. At this moment I don't ever want to run again! I know that will change, I just have to give it time. I am going to try to be patient with myself and see if a new interest or goal comes up. I would like to participate in  some races with Jackson, but I need to find out what is going on with my knees and back first. Maybe once it doesn't hurt so much to run I will want to do it again.

I am a complicated individual! I feel things deeply and am very sensitive. Hopefully my true friends will be able to put up with me during this crazy phase in my life. Drew has been amazing, as usual. He goes above and beyond what I would ever expect him to. (Thanks, Sweetie, for handling me with care and loving me at my best and my worst.)

Thanks for checking in with me and understanding that things are a little out of sorts right now. I'll get back to my ol' self soon, I'm sure! :0)

Marathon #2

Sunday I ran in the Cowtown marathon. I felt ready. Although I have had some nagging injuries, I felt pretty confident I could beat last year's time. The weather was perfect~ low 40's with a high in the 60's. The wind was light at the start and picked up toward the end, but it was at our backs by then.

The first half was comfortable and quite enjoyable. My knees and back weren't too troublesome. By mile 15 or so the nerve in my back kicked into high gear and wouldn't let up. My right knee was screaming with each step. I was miserable, but determined to finish. We ate and drank along the way while taking short walk breaks. The crowd was fantastic and so supportive. the atmosphere at a race is incredible.

Around mile 18 I was ready to quit. If Drew would have been there at that moment I may have just walked off. I was hurting so badly. It was eye-crossing pain. One of the spectators had a sign that read, "This is easier than giving birth." I told him that was a lie!

Once we reached mile 20 I knew I would finish, but it wouldn't be pretty. I had given up hope of beating my time at this point and just wanted to be done. We started running for 5 minutes and walking for 2 minutes. It gave me something to look forward to. I was living for those 2 minute walk breaks! I knew it was going to be pure determination and will that would get me across that finish line. When we finally reached mile 25, I just couldn't run anymore. My back was so tight, my hips we locking up and my knees, oh my knees, felt like the bones were just rubbing together.

When I saw the turn that led to the finish line I knew I had to run. I always tell the kids at school to never walk across the finish line. Always finish strong. I ran with whatever I had left and I made it! It hurt like hell, but I made it.

As soon as I crossed the finish line Pily was there to meet us. I saw my awesome family who followed us all along the way and I just became so emotional. My throat started closing up and I needed oxygen! I kept walking, took some deep breaths and got myself together. My finisher medal was placed around my neck and I went inside to get something to eat. My stomach had been growling for at least 5 miles. I was so hungry!

We met up with Drew, dad and the kids and Nancy's family and got our finisher shirt. I kept saying, "I just want to go home." I wanted out of there. I was miserable and needed to leave. Thankfully Drew had the forethought to park close by.

We said goodbye to Dad and Nancy and headed to the car. That's when I was overcome with emotion. I started to cry and kept saying how bad I hurt. I know my kids were concerned, but I just couldn't hold it in any longer. The pride of finishing, the pain, the disappointment of not beating my time, the fatigue all came pouring out. I couldn't control it. I'm telling you, it was ugly! I'm not too proud to admit it. This is such an emotional experience for me. I climbed into the car. That was ugly, too! I could barely pick my feet up off the ground. I didn't know how I was ever going to get OUT of the car!

Once we got home Drew had to help me out. My knee felt like bone on bone when I stood. I really thought it was broken. The pain, oh the pain, was almost unbearable. I hobbled to the tub to soak in Epsom salt not caring if I got stuck in there. I managed to get in and sat for a while. I also managed to get out without causing more bodily harm.

I ate some sushi (This has become my post-run meal of choice.) and took the cocktail of meds Drew gave me. I didn't even ask what it was until later. I won't go into what I took, but it didn't even touch the pain until the second dose about 4 hours later.

I was finally able to sleep for a couple of hours. I woke up to the sound of my stomach growling. I ate some dinner and went back to sleep for the night. I woke up the next morning still sore, still disappointed, but ready to face the day.

I will blog about that later. This is more than enough for now!

Whirlwind

What a 24 hours we have had...

We returned home from hanging out with the Simmons' family to a message on the answering machine from my grandmother. She said to call as soon as I could. That's never good. When I called, she said my granddad wasn't doing well. He has been in the hospital then rehab facility for two weeks and has only gotten worse. She said the doctors can't do anything else for him and won't even re-admit him into the hospital because they have exhausted all their treatment options. Basically, his heart is just tired and worn out. He is a diabetic, has one kidney that has about 20% function (The other one was removed several years ago because of cancer.), congestive heart failure, a pacemaker, defibrillator, about 10 stents in his arteries ( I have lost count along the way!), and numerous other ailments. He has been unable to stand up because he gets dizzy and passes out, so he has been bed bound. He is miserable.

While speaking with my grandmother I had an overwhelming need to see my granddad. I told her I was coming either that night or first thing in the morning. I said I would pick her up and take her to the hospital so I could see and talk to him. Drew wouldn't let me go by myself (It was already around 8:30 in the evening.). He called his brother and asked if he would let the kids spend the night. He agreed (Thank you, Matthew and Carrie!) and we quickly threw some things in a bag. We were out the door by 9:00.

We dropped the kids off and drove to my grandparents' house. We got there shortly after 1am. We said we would leave for the hospital by 8:00 and we went to bed. I had set my alarm for 6:45 so I could take a shower and get presentable.

Around 6:30 I heard the ceiling fan go off and knew the electricity had gone out. Drew and I lay there waiting for it to come back on and it never did. Finally, a little after 7:00 he called the electric company to report it. They were aware of the outage. There had been a car accident that caused damage to one of the poles. It would be a while before power was restored. So much for taking a shower! We decided to just get dressed and leave. We were out the door by 7:45.

The hospital is 90 miles away in Fort Smith, AK. (Yes, my grandparents live in the sticks of Oklahoma!) Drew drove us and we got there around 9:15. My granddad looked better than I imagined, but I could tell he felt miserable. We just hung around in the room all day talking and visiting. We got him up a couple of times in the wheelchair and my grandmother pushed him around the halls for a few minutes. He sat up in the wheelchair for 5-10 minutes back in the room then needed to lay back down. He gets nauseous sitting up. I showed him a few exercises he could do in be to try to strengthen his legs. He has be inactive so long his legs are very weak and shaky. It's going to take a lot of work to build the strength back up.

We decided to leave around 3:00 because we have to work tomorrow and our house is about 300 miles and 5 hours away from the hospital. We listened to an audiobook on the way home to pass the time. I'm glad we went so I could see my granddad, but I wish we could have stayed longer. My grandmother is going to spend the gift with him for a night or two then someone will take her home. Hopefully he will get to go home too.

I am so thankful to Drew for going with me and for Matthew and Carrie for watching the kids. It would have been way too much sitting around in the car and rehab facility for them to handle.

We are planning on going back up there over Spring Break, so hopefully he will feel better by then. I will say that was definitely the shortest time I have stayed at their house (6 hours!) and one of the craziest 24 hours I have had in a while! We were in three different states in 24 hours. What a crazy day!