Our Week in Pictures

Weighty Issues

Time is passing so quickly!  I have been away from my blog for over a month.  So much has been going on, so I haven't taken the time to post.  I had the grand plan of posting several times a week this summer and I am just now getting around to it.  This is more of a journal for me than anything else, but I would like to keep it updated better than I have.  We'll see if I can manage that!

I have felt like such a loser lately.  Two years ago I set out on a journey to lose 20 pounds because I was signed up to run a half-marathon.  Eventually, I reached that initial goal, but I had changed my goal before I reached the initial goal.  Then, when I was close to reaching the second goal, I changed it again.  I came within 3 pounds of reaching the third goal and just couldn't get there.  In fact I only stayed at that lowest weight for about a week and it crept back up a couple of pounds.  During the next year I hovered around the second goal weight I had set, but always longed for the third goal weight.  (I'm not putting the actual weights on purpose!)  I ran another half-marathon and a full marathon, but I was never satisfied with my weight and always felt like I left this whole weight thing unfinished. This summer I have avoided getting on the scale.  I have known that I had gained a little bit of weight because my shorts were tighter in the legs.  Of course, that is where I gain first since that is the part of my body I am most insecure about!  Well, today I got on the scale for the first time in a LONG time and let me just say that it wasn't pretty.  I have gained about 10 pounds.  TEN.  Do you know how long it takes me to LOSE 10 pounds?  A lot longer than it takes to gain them that is for sure. I am so down on myself right now.  I know that I have a long road ahead of me if I want to lose those 10 pounds again.  It is so daunting.  Yes, I know it could be worse.  It's only 10 pounds, but it's my 10 pounds, so it is a big deal to me. 

The good thing (if there is a good thing in all of this) is that I know exactly how this happened.  I love food.  I love to eat.  Because we were training for another half-marathon and then the full marathon I was eating whatever I wanted and was able to maintain my weight.  When the marathon was over I continued to eat what I wanted but I wasn't running as much.  So, the weight crept back on.  I was aware that this was happening, but I was in denial.  I thought I was working out enough to maintain my weight.  A couple of months ago I started using Myfitnesspal.  I had it on my phone for about a year, but I never used it.  I started using it and was SHOCKED at how many calories I was eating.  SHOCKED I tell you! 

I have had to take a real hard look at what my goals are and what I want to accomplish physically.  I have had to get real with myself.  Drew and I have talked about all of this a lot.  What is important, what is not important and what I am willing to sacrifice to get what I want.  Here is what I have decided:
1) I work out enough.  I do not need to work out more than I already do.  In fact, the more I work out the more I eat because I think I deserve to eat.  That hasn't worked for me in the past, so I have to change it.  I can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results, right?  The exercising is the easy part of the equation for me.  I have a real need to work out.  I cannot go more than a day or two without working out.  I become angry, anxious and depressed when I can't work out.  I don't know if it would be considered an addiction, but it is certainly a physical need.
2) I must change the way I eat.  I have said all along that the biggest part of the losing weight equation is what goes in your mouth.  I am going to use Myfitnesspal to keep me accountable about what goes in my mouth.  Drew is also using it, so we are going to keep each other accountable and work on this together.
3) I may need to change my goal weight.  Right now I have set my goal weight at my second goal weight that I talked about earlier.  I never reached the third goal weight, so obviously that was not the right goal for me.  I am pretty muscular and I will probably always be on the upper end of the healthy weight scale.  I haven't come to peace with this realization, yet, but I know I will never be on the lower end of the healthy weight scale.  I haven't been on that end since I was 12 or 13! 
4) I need to accept the fact that I am not 20 any more!  Yes, this hurts.  I am a forty year old mother of 3.  My body has been through some tough times.  I cannot expect it to look like the twentysomethings I see on Pinterest!  I have cellulite, stretch marks, extra skin and saggy bits that I can only fix with surgery!  That isn't going to happen, so I have to come to peace with my body.  I keep telling myself that in 10 years I will wish I had appreciated my body more now.

Why do I blog about this?  Because I know I am not the only one who is going through all of this.  I know that I am not the only one who has worked hard to lose weight to gain some of it back.  I know that others think everyone has it easier than they do.  I am here to tell you that everyone struggles.  It is not easy.  Everyone slips up and has to refocus.  I am NOT going to let myself get back to where I was 2-3 years ago.  I. WILL. NOT. LET. IT. HAPPEN.  PERIOD. 

If you are looking for someone to be your friend on Myfitnesspal, let me know.  We can help each other out!  I may post about my progress from time to time.  It is not to boast or brag.  It is to inspire.  If I can beat this, I know others can too.  They may just need a little encouragement. 

Tears and lots of them

The last week of school is always so emotional for me.  Yes, I am emotionally (and physically) tired, but it goes deeper than that.  I feel so much emotion seeing the kindergarten classes graduate up to first grade and 5th grade graduate out of elementary school.  My eyes and nose start burning just thinking about it!  I am a very empathetic person.  I really feel others' emotions.  I have trouble watching movies, reading books, talking about things that mean a lot to me because I feel so much.  It's exhausting!  I learned many years ago that I had to wear waterproof mascara every. single. day.  I rarely tell a story (funny, sad, upsetting) where I don't cry at some point.  I've often told Drew that if there was one thing I could change about myself it wouldn't be the size of my thighs or butt, it would be that I wouldn't feel things so deeply. 

This week is especially trying for me.  Addison will go to Miss Linda's for the last time tomorrow.  I've known this day would get here eventually, but didn't think it would be this hard.  She has been our babysitter for 12 years, but she is so much more than that.  She has been a friend, mentor, mother and counselor.  She has also been like a grandmommy to my kids when they lost theirs.  I am going to miss seeing her and hearing her crazy stories.  I know I can still go by and see her whenever I want/need to, but I know it's not going to be the same.  She has been a wonderfully caring Godly influence in my kids' lives. 

Last night I was going through some pictures trying to find some to send to her.  I ran across one of Bryson that I took on his first day at Miss Linda's.  I remember taking that picture not realizing how special it would be to me one day.  I sat at the computer last night with tears streaming down my face because the last 12 years have passed so quickly.  I know the days seem so long some times, but the years go by so fast.

I am so thankful to Miss Linda and the investment she so selflessly gave all three of our kids. She has taught me how to love unconditionally and that sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself.  I will never forget how she would give advice and it usually turned out to be spot on.  She would also say, "When you get them figured out, let me know."  She has raised so many kids and has learned that sometimes you just have to go with the flow. 

All this to say that if you see me this week you will probably notice my red nose and watery eyes. I have had tears brewing all week.  I am excited about having Addison at school with me next year (and not having a monthy daycare payment!), but I will miss the daily interaction with Miss Linda.

Perfectly Imperfect

I am officially a loser at blogging, but that will just go along with everything else I am a loser at. (See, I even ended a sentence with a preposition. I'm a loser at grammar.) I guess I am just having a mini pity party right now. There are so many things I want to be good at but just fall short. I have not been able to get the last bit of my weight off. This really bothers me. I am going to work really hard this summer to finally do it, but I have been a loser at it so far. The last little bit is definitely the hardest to get off. I just don't understand why I am holding myself back. It makes no sense at all. I am a loser at weight loss. Facebook makes me feel like a complete loser. I am about ready to deactivate it for good. I hate it when I find out someone has unfriended me. Even if I never see or talk to that person it still hurts my feelings and I end up questioning what I did to offend the person. I am a loser as a friend and at people liking me. Pinterest makes me feel like a complete loser. I probably need to stay away from it, too. I have no style, can't decorate my house, can't cook and can't coordinate the perfect party. I suck at those things, too. I am so ready for summer break and feel like I suck as a teacher. I have little to no patience with the kids (schools and my own) and am just flat out mean some days. It doesn't help when I am around negativity for hours on end either. I I just suck. My kids and Drew are at the park right now and I should be with them, but I was too involved in my pity party to go along. I suck as a mom. I hope that my attitude will be better once we are out of school and our lives slow down a little bit. I really am thankful for my husband, kids, job, friends who haven't unfriended me and the positive people in my life. I desire to be so many things, but I am just not. I guess I will just be perfectly imperfect. I won't suck at that~ maybe.

Soccer season

I haven't posted in almost a month! We are staying busy with work and now soccer. Jackson started soccer a few weeks ago and had his first game last Saturday. I know I am his mother, but I must say that that boy is GOOD at soccer! He played defense, forward and goalie. He even scored a goal. He plays soccer at recess all the time, so I guess he has picked up his skills there. It surely isn't from me and Drew! Seriously, though, he is very athletic. Hopefully he gets some of that from us! He is just one of this kids who is naturally coordinated and athletic. He will probably be able to pick up skills for any sport he tries to play. In PE we have been playing some tennis games and he is very good at that, especially for a seven year-old. There are kids who are 12 who aren't as coordinated as he is. What I like most about watching him play is the pure joy and excitement he gets from playing. His face just lights up when he is on the field. He is gracious when he does something well and seems to take it in stride when things don't go his way. He is such a joy to have as a son and I look forward to the next seven weeks of soccer season! This summer he will play baseball! That will be fun, too!

Marathon

Our marathon date finally came. It didn't seem like it would EVER get here. I wasn't really nervous. This should have been a warning sign! The morning of the race I was fairly calm. I got up early, got ready and left to pick up Nancy. I knew we would get there really early, but we didn't want to have to deal with traffic. I ate breakfast after we got to the waiting area and we just sat around and talked and watched people.

The time went by quickly. We tried to time our trip to the restroom strategically, but didn't do a very good job! Drew, Jackson, Addison, dad and Espy showed up a little later with their signs. We had our picture taken by a guy from the local paper then we decided to go to the potty again. This time we headed outside to use the porta potties. Gross, I know, but at that point ALL of the restrooms are NASTY! Serious runners (and nervous runners) have a way of eliminating everything they need to before they run! That's all I'll say about that! I came prepared with my own toilet paper and hand sanitizer, but they were fully stocked this time! Shocking!

We made our way to our corral and waited for the start. Before long, we were off. We started off at a comfortable pace and just went with the flow of the crowd. I felt really good and before long we saw our supporters around mile 3 or so. We were talking and watching people and having a good time. Around mile 6 we saw Drew again and he said our pace was too fast. We hadn't walked yet, so I wasn't really worried. Around mile 9 we hit a HUGE hill that lasted for about a mile. We walked a little on that hill, but it took a lot out of us. It was just so LONG. We weren't talking as much after that! We saw Drew again just before the 14 mile marker. Our 1/2 marathon time was just 5 minutes slower than our best 1/2 marathon time, so I was still pretty sure we could make it around 4:15-4:20. I was tired at this point, but my spirit was still pretty good. Sometime after that, around mile 15-16 I think, things started going down hill. Our muscles started to cramp up and running became so painful. We walked some trying to give our muscles a break. That didn't work so well. We would start to run again and our muscles would immediately cramp up. We also got some cramping in our sides. It was not fun at this point and we still had a LONG way to go. I will say that I never thought of quitting, but I knew finishing was going to suck!

Around mile 20 we started talking about the end, but it still seemed so far away. We were alternating walking and running at this point. We talked to people around the way and talked about NEVER doing this again! The mile markers seemed to come so slowly. It seemed like FOREVER before we reached the next marker! I was texting Drew at the markers so he would know when to expect us. Finally, we were near the end. Once we got about 1/2 mile away we started running and just kept going despite the pain. We were ready to be DONE. We saw Drew and everyone else near the finish line and just pushed through it. Pily was at the finish line and I could hear her screaming for us. We finished in 4 hours and 44 minutes. I was a little disappointed, but it is what it is. Pily took us into the medical area to get our cramping muscles stretched out. After that we got our post-race food, finisher shirt and headed to the car. Once I sat down, I didn't think I would be able to get out of the car!

After I got home and took a shower I laid down on the bed and didn't move. Drew was real sweet and brought me some food in bed. I did manage to walk to the couch later that evening, but it was tough! I went to bed early and ended up wrapping bags of frozen peas around both knees so I could sleep! I'm sure I was quite a sight!

I managed to get up for work the next day, but I was so sore! We decided at some point during the run to take the entire week off from working out in the mornings. That was probably the best decision we have made in a while! I have enjoyed sleeping a little later and I'm sure my body has needed time to heal. I did teach and participate in boot camp this week, but I think that has helped keep my muscles loose. We will be back in action a the gym starting Monday morning.

I'm ready for a new goal, also. We have already started talking about the "next marathon!" We will definitely train differently next time. You learn something with each race. I know we can do better next time if we train differently. I don't know when the next one will be, but I'm pretty sure there will be one!

I will say that I am proud of myself for completing a full marathon. That is something I NEVER thought I could do. I can still remember when running one mile was difficult. It just goes to show you that you are capable of more than you can ever imagine. Happy running!

Bad choices

I haven't been making very good food choices lately and I am upset with myself. I've heard that the maintenance part of weight loss is the hardest. I can confirm that now. I work out 8 times a week, run over 20 miles a week and I can't lose these last 5-10 pounds. You know why?!? Because I haven't been eating well. I KNOW how to eat to lose weight, but I haven't been doing it. One reason is because I was so strict for a year. I got tired of thinking about what I could and couldn't eat. I wanted to enjoy food again. Another reason was our training for the half-marathon. I knew I needed to eat more calories, but I went a little crazy with that thinking! After the half, we decided to run a full marathon. Again, that gave me an excuse to eat whatever I wanted. In 12 days we will be finished with the marathon and it will be time to get serious again. I may use this blog as a way of staying accountable and honest about how I am eating. I would really like to lose all I want by the summer and then work on maintaining the right way without having to kill myself at the gym. I can't live this way for the rest of my life. I need to find an eating and workout schedule that will work for the next 40-50 years. What I am doing right now isn't sustainable.