Weighty Issues

Time is passing so quickly!  I have been away from my blog for over a month.  So much has been going on, so I haven't taken the time to post.  I had the grand plan of posting several times a week this summer and I am just now getting around to it.  This is more of a journal for me than anything else, but I would like to keep it updated better than I have.  We'll see if I can manage that!

I have felt like such a loser lately.  Two years ago I set out on a journey to lose 20 pounds because I was signed up to run a half-marathon.  Eventually, I reached that initial goal, but I had changed my goal before I reached the initial goal.  Then, when I was close to reaching the second goal, I changed it again.  I came within 3 pounds of reaching the third goal and just couldn't get there.  In fact I only stayed at that lowest weight for about a week and it crept back up a couple of pounds.  During the next year I hovered around the second goal weight I had set, but always longed for the third goal weight.  (I'm not putting the actual weights on purpose!)  I ran another half-marathon and a full marathon, but I was never satisfied with my weight and always felt like I left this whole weight thing unfinished. This summer I have avoided getting on the scale.  I have known that I had gained a little bit of weight because my shorts were tighter in the legs.  Of course, that is where I gain first since that is the part of my body I am most insecure about!  Well, today I got on the scale for the first time in a LONG time and let me just say that it wasn't pretty.  I have gained about 10 pounds.  TEN.  Do you know how long it takes me to LOSE 10 pounds?  A lot longer than it takes to gain them that is for sure. I am so down on myself right now.  I know that I have a long road ahead of me if I want to lose those 10 pounds again.  It is so daunting.  Yes, I know it could be worse.  It's only 10 pounds, but it's my 10 pounds, so it is a big deal to me. 

The good thing (if there is a good thing in all of this) is that I know exactly how this happened.  I love food.  I love to eat.  Because we were training for another half-marathon and then the full marathon I was eating whatever I wanted and was able to maintain my weight.  When the marathon was over I continued to eat what I wanted but I wasn't running as much.  So, the weight crept back on.  I was aware that this was happening, but I was in denial.  I thought I was working out enough to maintain my weight.  A couple of months ago I started using Myfitnesspal.  I had it on my phone for about a year, but I never used it.  I started using it and was SHOCKED at how many calories I was eating.  SHOCKED I tell you! 

I have had to take a real hard look at what my goals are and what I want to accomplish physically.  I have had to get real with myself.  Drew and I have talked about all of this a lot.  What is important, what is not important and what I am willing to sacrifice to get what I want.  Here is what I have decided:
1) I work out enough.  I do not need to work out more than I already do.  In fact, the more I work out the more I eat because I think I deserve to eat.  That hasn't worked for me in the past, so I have to change it.  I can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results, right?  The exercising is the easy part of the equation for me.  I have a real need to work out.  I cannot go more than a day or two without working out.  I become angry, anxious and depressed when I can't work out.  I don't know if it would be considered an addiction, but it is certainly a physical need.
2) I must change the way I eat.  I have said all along that the biggest part of the losing weight equation is what goes in your mouth.  I am going to use Myfitnesspal to keep me accountable about what goes in my mouth.  Drew is also using it, so we are going to keep each other accountable and work on this together.
3) I may need to change my goal weight.  Right now I have set my goal weight at my second goal weight that I talked about earlier.  I never reached the third goal weight, so obviously that was not the right goal for me.  I am pretty muscular and I will probably always be on the upper end of the healthy weight scale.  I haven't come to peace with this realization, yet, but I know I will never be on the lower end of the healthy weight scale.  I haven't been on that end since I was 12 or 13! 
4) I need to accept the fact that I am not 20 any more!  Yes, this hurts.  I am a forty year old mother of 3.  My body has been through some tough times.  I cannot expect it to look like the twentysomethings I see on Pinterest!  I have cellulite, stretch marks, extra skin and saggy bits that I can only fix with surgery!  That isn't going to happen, so I have to come to peace with my body.  I keep telling myself that in 10 years I will wish I had appreciated my body more now.

Why do I blog about this?  Because I know I am not the only one who is going through all of this.  I know that I am not the only one who has worked hard to lose weight to gain some of it back.  I know that others think everyone has it easier than they do.  I am here to tell you that everyone struggles.  It is not easy.  Everyone slips up and has to refocus.  I am NOT going to let myself get back to where I was 2-3 years ago.  I. WILL. NOT. LET. IT. HAPPEN.  PERIOD. 

If you are looking for someone to be your friend on Myfitnesspal, let me know.  We can help each other out!  I may post about my progress from time to time.  It is not to boast or brag.  It is to inspire.  If I can beat this, I know others can too.  They may just need a little encouragement.