This Week...

This week: - I became super depressed when I stepped on the scale and it showed a GAIN of 1 pound. I KNOW not to get on that stupid thing and I did it anyway. Lesson learned. It has taken me until today to climb out of the hole of darkness that I buried myself in. I would like to meet anyone who can cut herself down with negativity and self-destructive talk better than I can. I LOVE encouraging other people when they are down, but I just can't seem to encourage myself. Advice is easy to give but difficult to follow. - We FINALLY took Addie shopping for her birthday. We have been pretty busy and just haven't taken the time to do it. She did remind me one day last week that she has been VERY patient, though! It was fun shopping with her. Drew and I took her and left the boys at home. Everyone was happier that way! - I got some new running shoes. I took them out for a run on Tuesday and they felt good! I ended up going 8.5 miles and it was okay. I say okay because I have been having trouble with my back/hip. At first I thought it was my hip joint, but now I think it is a nerve in my back that is causing the pain. The pain runs down my leg all the way to my ankle and foot. It really hurts with each step, but I just grit my teeth and keep going. Running is suppose to hurt, right? My left knee has been bothering me from time to time, too, but I'm used to that pain. I've lived with that pain for most of my life, so it's not gong to stop me now. I just pop some Naproxen and keep going. I'm sure I will have to pay the price for all of this one day! - We bought school clothes for the kids. It's still hard to believe that Addie will be starting Kindergarten. Wasn't she just born??? She is so ready to be in school and I am excited to see how much she will learn this first year. - I got my iPad back from being repaired. Addie sat on it several weeks ago and cracked the screen! I'm so glad I bought the protection plan. I NEVER buy those things, but I did this time. I knew the kids would be using it, so I got it "just in case!" I'm glad I trusted my instincts this time! - I decided to clean the blinds this week. I planned on it just taking an hour or so because I was going to use Drew's shop vac to do it. Man, oh, man, was I mistaken! Once I got started with that thing I just couldn't stop! We have SO MUCH dust in our house! We dust every week, but we don't do the blinds and high things very often. (um, as in maybe once since we have lived here for over five years!) I worked for over three hours and never made it to the kids' rooms. That will have to wait for another day. I did that AFTER running 8.5 miles, so by the time I stopped I was completely worn out! - We went to see Ice Age today. There is a new theater by us and this is our second movie to see there. This is a big deal because Drew usually doesn't go to the movies unless he gets free tickets or we go to the dollar show! He's been really good about stepping out of his little box this summer. (It's just a little pathetic that going yo a REGULAR movie is stepping out of the box! We are pretty boring people, I will admit!) - We are waiting to watch Dallas tonight. It's crazy, but we look forward to Wednesday nights so we can watch that show together! - I am listening to an audiobook that I can't get enough of! It is called Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom. I usually listen when I run or ride my bike, but I have listened to it out a the pool or just sitting Round the house. I travel back to the late 1700's and early 1800's when I listen. I love books that I get immersed in. I feel like I am part of the book and I just LOVE that. I am "saving" the end of the book for my bike ride tomorrow! I am just going to ride until it is over. I can't wait! Then, I will probably listen to it again so I can pick up some things I'm sure I missed! Love it! That's about all we have done this week! I'll be back soon!

Fun Friday

Today Drew and I had the BEST time!  I have always heard people say that you have to make time together to keep your marriage strong.  I have always believed that, but we haven't always made the time.  Now that Bryson is older and can be our babysitter it is so much easier! 

I have been getting bored with working out.  I have needed a change for a while and just haven't really done it.  I did teach boot camp for four weeks in June so that was a little different, but I still need to change it up.  I am still going to the gym on Mondays and Wednesdays to take a body pump class.  Tuesday I went to a track and ran/walked and did bleachers. I have also started riding my bike about once a week and listening to an audio book and that has been fun.  Yesterday I rode 20 miles!  I don't want to be a slave to the gym this summer, so I have been trying to change it up.  Drew has been running and riding his bike, too!  I am so proud of him and the hard work he is putting into getting healthy.  He is an inspiration! 

Anyway, we were talking about this the other day and we decided to do something together on Fridays.  Today was our first Friday to exercise together.  We went to the Fort Worth Nature Center and Refuge.  We packed a backpack full of water, Gatorade, sunflower seeds and granola.  We got a map and started hiking.  We hiked for over 2 hours!  We saw deer, birds, gar, perch, a snake, prairie dogs, racoons and lots of spiders and bugs.  We did our best to clear out all the spider webs, too!  Oh my goodness, there were a lot of spider webs!  Drew got most of them because he walked in front of me.  He carried a stick to try to break them up before he walked through them, but that didn't work so well!  We stopped along the way to eat some granola and drink our Gatorade.  Drew called it our "hippie" date!  We had a great time talking, listening and just walking in silence.  It was so much fun to be together.  Toward the end of our hike we went to the visitor's center and looked around a little bit.  (I needed to use the restroom, too, so I finally got to go there!)  We decided that that would be a great place to show the kids and will definitely go back in the future.  His legs are starting to itch, so I'm sure we will have to double up on the bug spray next time!

On the way home, we called the kids and told them to get ready to go swimming.  We stayed at the pool for a couple of hours playing and splashing around.  Then we put a movie on and took a nap.  I don't think the kids napped, but that's okay because we were the ones who needed it!

After our naps we went to a food park to eat dinner.  Everyone got to get whatever they wanted, so everyone was happy.  We finished our meals with cupcakes and snowcones.  What could be better?!

I am looking forward to more Fun Fridays with Drew.  I LOVE spending time with him.  It reminds me of when we were first married and it was just the two of us.  We love our kids tremendously, but it is good for the two of us to spend time alone together!

Our Week in Pictures

Weighty Issues

Time is passing so quickly!  I have been away from my blog for over a month.  So much has been going on, so I haven't taken the time to post.  I had the grand plan of posting several times a week this summer and I am just now getting around to it.  This is more of a journal for me than anything else, but I would like to keep it updated better than I have.  We'll see if I can manage that!

I have felt like such a loser lately.  Two years ago I set out on a journey to lose 20 pounds because I was signed up to run a half-marathon.  Eventually, I reached that initial goal, but I had changed my goal before I reached the initial goal.  Then, when I was close to reaching the second goal, I changed it again.  I came within 3 pounds of reaching the third goal and just couldn't get there.  In fact I only stayed at that lowest weight for about a week and it crept back up a couple of pounds.  During the next year I hovered around the second goal weight I had set, but always longed for the third goal weight.  (I'm not putting the actual weights on purpose!)  I ran another half-marathon and a full marathon, but I was never satisfied with my weight and always felt like I left this whole weight thing unfinished. This summer I have avoided getting on the scale.  I have known that I had gained a little bit of weight because my shorts were tighter in the legs.  Of course, that is where I gain first since that is the part of my body I am most insecure about!  Well, today I got on the scale for the first time in a LONG time and let me just say that it wasn't pretty.  I have gained about 10 pounds.  TEN.  Do you know how long it takes me to LOSE 10 pounds?  A lot longer than it takes to gain them that is for sure. I am so down on myself right now.  I know that I have a long road ahead of me if I want to lose those 10 pounds again.  It is so daunting.  Yes, I know it could be worse.  It's only 10 pounds, but it's my 10 pounds, so it is a big deal to me. 

The good thing (if there is a good thing in all of this) is that I know exactly how this happened.  I love food.  I love to eat.  Because we were training for another half-marathon and then the full marathon I was eating whatever I wanted and was able to maintain my weight.  When the marathon was over I continued to eat what I wanted but I wasn't running as much.  So, the weight crept back on.  I was aware that this was happening, but I was in denial.  I thought I was working out enough to maintain my weight.  A couple of months ago I started using Myfitnesspal.  I had it on my phone for about a year, but I never used it.  I started using it and was SHOCKED at how many calories I was eating.  SHOCKED I tell you! 

I have had to take a real hard look at what my goals are and what I want to accomplish physically.  I have had to get real with myself.  Drew and I have talked about all of this a lot.  What is important, what is not important and what I am willing to sacrifice to get what I want.  Here is what I have decided:
1) I work out enough.  I do not need to work out more than I already do.  In fact, the more I work out the more I eat because I think I deserve to eat.  That hasn't worked for me in the past, so I have to change it.  I can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results, right?  The exercising is the easy part of the equation for me.  I have a real need to work out.  I cannot go more than a day or two without working out.  I become angry, anxious and depressed when I can't work out.  I don't know if it would be considered an addiction, but it is certainly a physical need.
2) I must change the way I eat.  I have said all along that the biggest part of the losing weight equation is what goes in your mouth.  I am going to use Myfitnesspal to keep me accountable about what goes in my mouth.  Drew is also using it, so we are going to keep each other accountable and work on this together.
3) I may need to change my goal weight.  Right now I have set my goal weight at my second goal weight that I talked about earlier.  I never reached the third goal weight, so obviously that was not the right goal for me.  I am pretty muscular and I will probably always be on the upper end of the healthy weight scale.  I haven't come to peace with this realization, yet, but I know I will never be on the lower end of the healthy weight scale.  I haven't been on that end since I was 12 or 13! 
4) I need to accept the fact that I am not 20 any more!  Yes, this hurts.  I am a forty year old mother of 3.  My body has been through some tough times.  I cannot expect it to look like the twentysomethings I see on Pinterest!  I have cellulite, stretch marks, extra skin and saggy bits that I can only fix with surgery!  That isn't going to happen, so I have to come to peace with my body.  I keep telling myself that in 10 years I will wish I had appreciated my body more now.

Why do I blog about this?  Because I know I am not the only one who is going through all of this.  I know that I am not the only one who has worked hard to lose weight to gain some of it back.  I know that others think everyone has it easier than they do.  I am here to tell you that everyone struggles.  It is not easy.  Everyone slips up and has to refocus.  I am NOT going to let myself get back to where I was 2-3 years ago.  I. WILL. NOT. LET. IT. HAPPEN.  PERIOD. 

If you are looking for someone to be your friend on Myfitnesspal, let me know.  We can help each other out!  I may post about my progress from time to time.  It is not to boast or brag.  It is to inspire.  If I can beat this, I know others can too.  They may just need a little encouragement. 

Tears and lots of them

The last week of school is always so emotional for me.  Yes, I am emotionally (and physically) tired, but it goes deeper than that.  I feel so much emotion seeing the kindergarten classes graduate up to first grade and 5th grade graduate out of elementary school.  My eyes and nose start burning just thinking about it!  I am a very empathetic person.  I really feel others' emotions.  I have trouble watching movies, reading books, talking about things that mean a lot to me because I feel so much.  It's exhausting!  I learned many years ago that I had to wear waterproof mascara every. single. day.  I rarely tell a story (funny, sad, upsetting) where I don't cry at some point.  I've often told Drew that if there was one thing I could change about myself it wouldn't be the size of my thighs or butt, it would be that I wouldn't feel things so deeply. 

This week is especially trying for me.  Addison will go to Miss Linda's for the last time tomorrow.  I've known this day would get here eventually, but didn't think it would be this hard.  She has been our babysitter for 12 years, but she is so much more than that.  She has been a friend, mentor, mother and counselor.  She has also been like a grandmommy to my kids when they lost theirs.  I am going to miss seeing her and hearing her crazy stories.  I know I can still go by and see her whenever I want/need to, but I know it's not going to be the same.  She has been a wonderfully caring Godly influence in my kids' lives. 

Last night I was going through some pictures trying to find some to send to her.  I ran across one of Bryson that I took on his first day at Miss Linda's.  I remember taking that picture not realizing how special it would be to me one day.  I sat at the computer last night with tears streaming down my face because the last 12 years have passed so quickly.  I know the days seem so long some times, but the years go by so fast.

I am so thankful to Miss Linda and the investment she so selflessly gave all three of our kids. She has taught me how to love unconditionally and that sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself.  I will never forget how she would give advice and it usually turned out to be spot on.  She would also say, "When you get them figured out, let me know."  She has raised so many kids and has learned that sometimes you just have to go with the flow. 

All this to say that if you see me this week you will probably notice my red nose and watery eyes. I have had tears brewing all week.  I am excited about having Addison at school with me next year (and not having a monthy daycare payment!), but I will miss the daily interaction with Miss Linda.

Perfectly Imperfect

I am officially a loser at blogging, but that will just go along with everything else I am a loser at. (See, I even ended a sentence with a preposition. I'm a loser at grammar.) I guess I am just having a mini pity party right now. There are so many things I want to be good at but just fall short. I have not been able to get the last bit of my weight off. This really bothers me. I am going to work really hard this summer to finally do it, but I have been a loser at it so far. The last little bit is definitely the hardest to get off. I just don't understand why I am holding myself back. It makes no sense at all. I am a loser at weight loss. Facebook makes me feel like a complete loser. I am about ready to deactivate it for good. I hate it when I find out someone has unfriended me. Even if I never see or talk to that person it still hurts my feelings and I end up questioning what I did to offend the person. I am a loser as a friend and at people liking me. Pinterest makes me feel like a complete loser. I probably need to stay away from it, too. I have no style, can't decorate my house, can't cook and can't coordinate the perfect party. I suck at those things, too. I am so ready for summer break and feel like I suck as a teacher. I have little to no patience with the kids (schools and my own) and am just flat out mean some days. It doesn't help when I am around negativity for hours on end either. I I just suck. My kids and Drew are at the park right now and I should be with them, but I was too involved in my pity party to go along. I suck as a mom. I hope that my attitude will be better once we are out of school and our lives slow down a little bit. I really am thankful for my husband, kids, job, friends who haven't unfriended me and the positive people in my life. I desire to be so many things, but I am just not. I guess I will just be perfectly imperfect. I won't suck at that~ maybe.

Soccer season

I haven't posted in almost a month! We are staying busy with work and now soccer. Jackson started soccer a few weeks ago and had his first game last Saturday. I know I am his mother, but I must say that that boy is GOOD at soccer! He played defense, forward and goalie. He even scored a goal. He plays soccer at recess all the time, so I guess he has picked up his skills there. It surely isn't from me and Drew! Seriously, though, he is very athletic. Hopefully he gets some of that from us! He is just one of this kids who is naturally coordinated and athletic. He will probably be able to pick up skills for any sport he tries to play. In PE we have been playing some tennis games and he is very good at that, especially for a seven year-old. There are kids who are 12 who aren't as coordinated as he is. What I like most about watching him play is the pure joy and excitement he gets from playing. His face just lights up when he is on the field. He is gracious when he does something well and seems to take it in stride when things don't go his way. He is such a joy to have as a son and I look forward to the next seven weeks of soccer season! This summer he will play baseball! That will be fun, too!