So Sweet!

Last night we were getting ready for bed. I didn't realize that Jackson had already gone to bed by himself. Bryson, being the concerned big brother that he is, said, "Mom, can you give me a goodnight kiss? Oh, yeah, can I have two and I'll give one to Jackson!" Needless to say, my little (big) boy got more than he needed! He can be so sweet sometimes.

I will try to post more later. I am at work right now. (Shhh, don't tell anyone!)

More Outside Fun!

Bryson was practicing his picture-taking abilities.
Happy boys. They love to be outside.
Addie and her car. This is her favorite way to ride!
Jackson found some kuka burras. I have no idea if this is how you spell it, but you know what I'm talking about!
Bryson found some, too. Drew and the boys ended up throwing them at each other so they would stick to their shirts. So much fun!

*******************************************

We spent more time outside Sunday afternoon. There are two ponds in our neighborhood that we can walk to. The dogs like to go swimming and the boys like to throw rocks in the water. Addie just likes to play in the dirt! Yesterday she still had her pearls on from church while she was playing in the dirt. I have tried to make her girlie, but I think she is destined to be a tomboy! I was a major tomboy (I know, you're shocked, right?!) so I guess I am okay with her not being too girlie!

********************************************

We had some staff development meetings again today. All the PE teachers in our district met together to share some games. I really enjoy learning new games. I also get to see some friends I don't get to see very often. Tomorrow is back to the grind for several weeks until Thanksgiving break. I think we have decided to go to "the pond" for our break. We call my grandparent's house in Oklahoma "the pond." Yes, there is a pond there!

********************************************

Today I saw something at a store and immediately thought of my friend Laura! I just had to get it for her. Ask her to show it to you! This will at least make her touch it! Here's a shout out to you, Sugar Lips!

********************************************

Tonight for dinner we had leftovers. I love it when we have leftovers and Drew has a game. It makes my job at home so much easier! Speaking of dinner, my wonderful neighbor asked if she could bring us dinner again! I didn't want to disappoint her, so, of course, I said yes! She brought over chili, rice and cornbread. We didn't have that tonight, but we will have it tomorrow night. Drew has a game tomorrow so I will need something that just needs to be warmed up, again! Our neighbor is wonderful. I have to give her a shout out, too! Thanks, Patty! You are a wonderful neighbor!

********************************************

I bought the kids their Halloween costumes today. Bryson wanted to be Obi Wan Kenobi. (from Star Wars) Jackson is a red Power Ranger and Addison is some kind of fairy. (She is this because it was on sale for 13.99!) It is just some generic fairy, but it is still cute. The boys costumes came with masks. Addison screamed bloody murder when they put on the masks. Of course, they kept doing it over and over until I finally had enough of the screaming and crying. I don't know what is going to happen on Halloween night when she sees all kinds of creepy things! She will probably be heard within a 10 mile radius of our house!

********************************************

Jackson: How many days until Halloween?

Bryson: 25. 31-6=25, right, Mom?

Me: yes.

Jackson: I wish it was Halloween now.

Me: Well, it's not and I can't make it Halloween now.

Jackson: The weatherman can!

I guess that is all for now! It is getting close to bed time, so it is time to wind down!

Linda Spurlock Park

We went to another park today and had a picnic. The boys were able to feed the ducks again. Addie just ate the crackers. They played for a while then we went to see Drew's mom and MeMe. We had a good day. The weather was beautiful. I just love Fall! Enjoy the pictures! I know this is your favorite part, Grandmother! I love you!

Bear Creek Park

My big, brave boys feeding the ducks and geese.
Addie would rather eat the crackers than feed the ducks!
Red-faced and tired. She had a good time chasing the boys around!
Brotherly love. This only lasted a couple of seconds!
Finally, they all sat down together and looked at the camera at the same time! Success!

********************************************

Okay, so I have no life! I am posting for the second time in a matter of hours. Spongebob is entertaining the boys and Drew is scouting a game tonight . I was at a conference for three days this week and a meeting all day today. I haven't sat down that much since, let's see, the summer. I needed to get outside and enjoy some fresh air. So, I loaded everyone up and we headed for the park. I took some old bread and crackers so we could feed the ducks. The boys were scared of them, so they stood on a rock most of the time to feed them! Addie doesn't know to be scared, so she was surrounded by them. The ducks and geese were trying to get her graham cracker that she decided to eat instead of feed it to them! Then we went to the playground. Addison is not afraid of anything. There were boys all around her chasing each other and playing pirates. She climbed up the stairs herself and went down each slide by herself. She even went down on her stomach sometimes! After the playground, we went walking. The boys chased the squirrels and Addie chased the boys. By the time we left, her soft pink dress was more beige than pink! A sign of a successful trip to the park!

Alone, but not really

Today has been tough. I thought Wednesday was a hard day- until today. Today is the "official" date on my mom's death certificate. Today was the day, four years ago, it became real. I have wanted to be alone today. I had to work today, but whenever I could I HAD to be alone. At lunch today I didn't want to talk to or see anyone. I just wanted to be alone. I usually enjoy being around a lot of people. Not today. When we were finished with our meeting I began talking to Katie. We shared a lot about our families and I felt much better. I know I can never go back and undo anything from my past. I can, however, learn from the past and try to be a better mom, wife and daughter for the family I have now. I miss my mom. I wonder what life would be like with her here. But the fact is, she is not here and never will be again. I have to love my family the way they are and for who they are and, hopefully, they will love me in return. I don't want to look back some day and have any more regrets than I already do. I have been taking things out on Drew this week. I have not wanted to talk to him or be around him. It seems like everything he does gets on my nerves. I know it is not him, it is just the way I am feeling right now. I hope he will forgive me for treating him so badly. Sorry, Sweetie. I will be better, I promise!

Katie, thanks for talking with me today and listening when I needed to talk! I appreciate your willingness to stay at work longer than you had to on a Friday afternoon. You are a true friend!

So even though I felt alone today and wanted to be alone today, I know I am not really alone. I have my family, my friends and I know the Lord is always with me.
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalms 28:7 (Don't worry, I will give thanks to him in song while no one is around!)

My next post won't be so depressing. I will try to take some pictures of my kids this weekend and hopefully they will say something very funny!

October

I have had so much fun at a conference this week with my friends and co-workers. We have laughed until we cried. I have heard things said that I never thought I would hear from a certain person! Here's a shout out to you, "Sugar Lips!" I am so blessed to work in an environment that allows me to laugh and have fun. I can have fun when I need to and can be serious when I have to. I heard something today that rings true: "Fresh ideas come when you are having fun." This is true for both students and teachers and people in general. I think this is why I have grown as a teacher since I have been at my school. I have fun and it sparks my creativity. This has more to do with the people I work with than anything else. Thanks, friends for a great couple of days! You rock!
********************************************
On a sadder note, tomorrow marks the 4th anniversary of my mom's death. The official date on her death certificate is October 3rd, but we know she died on the 1st.

CAUTION: Very Random Thoughts Ahead!

For those who know me, you know that I have always celebrated my birthday the entire month of October. I have always said that I don't have a birth day, I have a birth month! My birth day is actually on the 18th, but I claim the whole month.

Since my mom's death, my birth month has had a different meaning. Now October is filled with feelings that aren't so jovial. Sure I remember the good things my mom did for me, and the times she was able to spend with my kids. But I am also reminded of the many regrets I have. I regret that I was not a better daughter. I regret that my kids did not get to know her more. (Jackson was only 5 months old and Bryson was 4 1/2) I regret that she never got to meet Addison. She would have loved a granddaughter! Addie would have been more rotten than she already is! So, October brings many different feelings now. My birthday/month just isn't the same anymore.

I take comfort in knowing my mom is dancing with Jesus and is reunited with my sister, Jamie. They always had a special bond. I don't know if it was because Jamie was her first baby, or because they were a lot alike. Either way, they were close. My mom was never the same after Jamie died, so I take comfort knowing they are together again.

I take comfort knowing that my mom will never have to grow old or suffer ill health. She will never have to worry about how to pay the bills or if she will be able to retire. These are the things that get me through some days. I still, after four years, reach for my phone when the kids do something funny. I want to have someone to tell so badly. My grandparents get to hear all my stories now! So do my friends at work. I know they get tired of me telling stories about my kids, but they are so sweet to sit there and listen! It is also one of the reasons I started this blog.

I remember the moment we learned my mom's body had been found in her house. I will never forget it.

We were in Mexia visiting my aunt. She was recovering from breast surgery. My grandparents were there, also. I had been trying to call my mom all morning to see if she wanted to go with us. I could never get her. I left a irritated message on her answering machine and told her we were going without her. I called her repeatedly about every 30 minutes while we were in the car. When we got to my aunts, I asked everyone if they had heard from her. Nobody had talked to her since Friday. This was Sunday afternoon. I usually talked to her each day. We kept trying to call and she never answered. Now we were getting worried. My granddad finally called one of my mom's friends, Debbie, who worked with her. She had a key to my mom's house because she lived nearby. Debbie and her husband went by my mom's house and knocked on the door. There was no answer, so they went in. They found my mom laying on her bed and she was already gone. From the looks of things they could tell it had been a while. She was still wearing the clothes she had worn to work on Friday and still had her name badge around her neck. She laid down to take a nap and never woke up. Debbie called my granddad back and I am assuming called the police or someone. All I remember my granddad saying is, "It's too late. They already found her."

In that moment I felt all alone in the world. Yes, I still had Drew and my kids and my grandparents who have been like parents to me, but I still felt alone. I remember crying and wandering around my aunt's house wondering what I was suppose to do. I don't know how we got home that day. Most of the rest of the afternoon is a total blur. I know that Bryson still remembers me crying. I know I scared him. I didn't mean to. If I would have been thinking straight I would have tried to shield him from some of that. He still mentions this scene when I talk about my aunt. He always wants to know if I am going to cry when I see her. Unfortunately, he will probably always remember this.

So, this is what goes through my mind on October 1st. All the "what ifs." I know I can't redo any of this. I try to think about the good times and the times Bryson received ALL of her attention. Unfortunately, he is losing those memories. There will be a time when he forgets what if felt like to be loved so much by his grandmommy. He will forget all the times they played hide and seek and pretended to have picnics on the bedroom floor. He won't remember how she would give him anything he asked for even though she knew we wouldn't approve. I have tried to keep these memories alive, but they are fading. I have told him how much his grandmommy loved him and how she would give him so many kisses. She loved that little boy. She loved Jackson, too, she just didn't have enough time with him to know him like she did Bryson.

Mom, I know I didn't say it enough or show it enough, but I do love you. Drew loves you and my boys love you. Addison would have loved you too!

Friends

I am so thankful for the wonderful friends I have at work. I have had several of them tell me they are praying or have prayed for me. That makes me feel so loved. Sometimes we get so busy at work we don't take the time to reach out to others. These sweet people have taken the time to reach out to me and for that I am very grateful. I had a much better day today and know it is because of all my special friends saying prayers for me. Thank you, friends!

I have decided that I will not allow people to take my joy away from me. I have allowed one person to take my joy, and I will not do that any longer. It is my choice to be happy and joyful and I shouldn't allow someone to steal it away. I would gladly give her some if I knew she would use it! But I will not allow it to be taken! I know the devil was happy yesterday when I had such a bad day, and I know that with Jesus I will be victorious over him. This gives me hope and strength.

Oh my gosh, I have a confession to make. Our principal buys us donuts every pay day. Last year I was able to stay away from them. I went 8 months last year without eating a pay day donut. Today, I must confess, I ate TWO! Yes, TWO. I knew when I reached in for the second one I would regret it, but I ate it anyway. I thought about throwing it away after the first bite, but I didn't. Afterwards, I felt really dirty and fat. I hate that. I try not to use the "f" word, but there is no better way to say how I felt! I will have to work out extra hard in the morning.

Bryson has been very sweet today. I think he knows I had a horrible day yesterday. (How could he not know, I yelled at him A LOT.) Sorry, Buddy! He went with me to get my hair cut after school. I don't think he likes it much, (It's always really big when she blow dries it.) but he said it looked good. When Drew got home, I heard Bryson tell him, "Mom got her hair cut and she looks H-O-T!" At least he still loves me after yesterday! He can be really sweet when he wants to be.

The boys are spending the night with Drew's mom tomorrow. They are looking forward to it. She is going to take them to her school's carnival on Saturday. Bryson has been wanting to pack his bag all week, but we have made him wait. Drew has to scout a game tomorrow night, so Addie and I will have a girls night. I am hoping she will be extra tired and sleepy so we can take a bath and go to bed early. I'm thinking maybe 7:00 or 7:30!

Saturday is our SMBS party. You know how crazy you get with cleaning when people are coming over! That is what we are going to do all morning on Saturday. You know, no one notices clean, but they sure notice dirty! Our house is not dirty, by any means, but it is not "company clean." Why do we always clean so much for company but not for ourselves? I always wonder this! Then we have to clean again when they leave! We love having people over, so it's really no big deal. I just alway wonder why it is this way!

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow. It is almost time for bed. I am getting very sleepy.