October

I have had so much fun at a conference this week with my friends and co-workers. We have laughed until we cried. I have heard things said that I never thought I would hear from a certain person! Here's a shout out to you, "Sugar Lips!" I am so blessed to work in an environment that allows me to laugh and have fun. I can have fun when I need to and can be serious when I have to. I heard something today that rings true: "Fresh ideas come when you are having fun." This is true for both students and teachers and people in general. I think this is why I have grown as a teacher since I have been at my school. I have fun and it sparks my creativity. This has more to do with the people I work with than anything else. Thanks, friends for a great couple of days! You rock!
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On a sadder note, tomorrow marks the 4th anniversary of my mom's death. The official date on her death certificate is October 3rd, but we know she died on the 1st.

CAUTION: Very Random Thoughts Ahead!

For those who know me, you know that I have always celebrated my birthday the entire month of October. I have always said that I don't have a birth day, I have a birth month! My birth day is actually on the 18th, but I claim the whole month.

Since my mom's death, my birth month has had a different meaning. Now October is filled with feelings that aren't so jovial. Sure I remember the good things my mom did for me, and the times she was able to spend with my kids. But I am also reminded of the many regrets I have. I regret that I was not a better daughter. I regret that my kids did not get to know her more. (Jackson was only 5 months old and Bryson was 4 1/2) I regret that she never got to meet Addison. She would have loved a granddaughter! Addie would have been more rotten than she already is! So, October brings many different feelings now. My birthday/month just isn't the same anymore.

I take comfort in knowing my mom is dancing with Jesus and is reunited with my sister, Jamie. They always had a special bond. I don't know if it was because Jamie was her first baby, or because they were a lot alike. Either way, they were close. My mom was never the same after Jamie died, so I take comfort knowing they are together again.

I take comfort knowing that my mom will never have to grow old or suffer ill health. She will never have to worry about how to pay the bills or if she will be able to retire. These are the things that get me through some days. I still, after four years, reach for my phone when the kids do something funny. I want to have someone to tell so badly. My grandparents get to hear all my stories now! So do my friends at work. I know they get tired of me telling stories about my kids, but they are so sweet to sit there and listen! It is also one of the reasons I started this blog.

I remember the moment we learned my mom's body had been found in her house. I will never forget it.

We were in Mexia visiting my aunt. She was recovering from breast surgery. My grandparents were there, also. I had been trying to call my mom all morning to see if she wanted to go with us. I could never get her. I left a irritated message on her answering machine and told her we were going without her. I called her repeatedly about every 30 minutes while we were in the car. When we got to my aunts, I asked everyone if they had heard from her. Nobody had talked to her since Friday. This was Sunday afternoon. I usually talked to her each day. We kept trying to call and she never answered. Now we were getting worried. My granddad finally called one of my mom's friends, Debbie, who worked with her. She had a key to my mom's house because she lived nearby. Debbie and her husband went by my mom's house and knocked on the door. There was no answer, so they went in. They found my mom laying on her bed and she was already gone. From the looks of things they could tell it had been a while. She was still wearing the clothes she had worn to work on Friday and still had her name badge around her neck. She laid down to take a nap and never woke up. Debbie called my granddad back and I am assuming called the police or someone. All I remember my granddad saying is, "It's too late. They already found her."

In that moment I felt all alone in the world. Yes, I still had Drew and my kids and my grandparents who have been like parents to me, but I still felt alone. I remember crying and wandering around my aunt's house wondering what I was suppose to do. I don't know how we got home that day. Most of the rest of the afternoon is a total blur. I know that Bryson still remembers me crying. I know I scared him. I didn't mean to. If I would have been thinking straight I would have tried to shield him from some of that. He still mentions this scene when I talk about my aunt. He always wants to know if I am going to cry when I see her. Unfortunately, he will probably always remember this.

So, this is what goes through my mind on October 1st. All the "what ifs." I know I can't redo any of this. I try to think about the good times and the times Bryson received ALL of her attention. Unfortunately, he is losing those memories. There will be a time when he forgets what if felt like to be loved so much by his grandmommy. He will forget all the times they played hide and seek and pretended to have picnics on the bedroom floor. He won't remember how she would give him anything he asked for even though she knew we wouldn't approve. I have tried to keep these memories alive, but they are fading. I have told him how much his grandmommy loved him and how she would give him so many kisses. She loved that little boy. She loved Jackson, too, she just didn't have enough time with him to know him like she did Bryson.

Mom, I know I didn't say it enough or show it enough, but I do love you. Drew loves you and my boys love you. Addison would have loved you too!