Spring is in the Air

The other day we were eating dinner at a restaurant. Jackson was finished eating and was looking out the window. Here's what he said:

"Hey, that big black bird just jumped on the small bird's back and bit him in the neck!"

Drew and I just looked at each other and smiled. He will figure it out one day!

Weekend in Pictures

April 9, 2000

Bryson as a newborn. I loved his sweet, snuggly self. I would hold him for hours!




Three months old and ready to go. He had had one lip surgery at this time and was looking like such a big boy.




6 months old. First Halloween. He was the first of my three kids to wear this costume. My mom bought it for him and I thought he looked so cute in it!




One year old. I know he will hate me for this picture one day! I used to love taking pictures of him with no clothes on!




Two years old. What a cutie!





Four years old and a couple of months away from being a big brother. Look at his left hand. He would carry as many superheros in his left hand as he could. He used his right hand for everything.

Five years old. Looking so grown up.

Five, again.

Bryson was such a good big brother to Jackson. He loved to hold him in his lap.

Bryson and Mommy. Oh how I miss those days!

My first, sweet little boy was born at 2:09 pm on April 9, 2000. He weighted 6 pounds and 12 ounces. I had no idea I was in labor with him. I thought I was having terrible gas pains! We finally called the doctor around three in the morning and we were told to go to the hospital. I was just over 36 weeks and thought I had a little more time before Bryson would make his appearance. When we arrived at the hospital I was dilated to a 4 and we were told to get ready to have a baby!

My doctor was out of town, so we had another doctor helping us. Before he placed Bryson on my stomach he told me that there was something wrong with Bryson's lip. He said surgery would fix it and it was very minor. We had no idea anything was wrong. I was expecting a perfect little baby. When I saw him for the first time I was a little shocked and upset. I didn't know what to think. He was beautiful but his lip was not normal. They took him away because he was having a little trouble breathing. Drew went with him and I was left all alone. I remember crying, not knowing what was going on.

It took some time before I wanted to see people. I didn't want anyone to look at my baby and be shocked or disgusted. I know this sounds terrible now, but at the time it was a big deal to me. I remember asking when we could have his lip fixed. Three months was the answer. I thought that would be forever.

He had his first surgery at three months and a second one at 6 months. After the second one the plastic surgeon said he would probably need at least one more as he got older. We are going to see about getting that one done this summer.

Bryson was our world for four years. We loved him more than anything. He was our constant entertainment. He made us laugh every day. This little boy has been through a lot in his short life. I miss those days when life was so simple. I can't believe my baby will be 9 years old tomorrow. Time has flown by. He is smart, creative, caring, sensitive, feisty, sweet, hard-headed at times, loveable, snuggly and good-hearted. Bryson James Simmons, I love you and I am so proud to be your Mommy!

Unsupervised

I guess I am going to have to supervise her ALL the time! She is the reason I only get to blog a couple of times a week now!

Trying to make sense of it all.

I know y'all think this post is going to be about me complaining about why something terrible (that doesn't seem so terrible to others) is happening to me. Well, you are WRONG! This post is about Bryson.

Tonight we were watching the news. There was a super sad story about a baby with a brain condition that causes her to need a respirator to breathe. There is another baby in the same hospital who is in need of a heart transplant. The parents of the baby on the respirator know she is going to die and they want her heart to be donated to the other baby to try to save her life. Bryson was listening to the story and said how sad it was. His voice began to shake and he wanted to know why God would do that to those babies. I told him that God didn't "do that" to those babies but that he allows things to happen for various reasons. That didn't settle him down. He looked up at the ceiling with his hands in the air and said, "Why, God, Why?" He then said, "If God were here I would look Him right in the eye and ask why does this baby have to die." I just tried to explain to him that we don't know why some sad things happen but God has a plan for us and he is in control of every situation. We may not like it, we many not agree with it, but His way is the right way. Of course, I was speaking to myself as I was speaking to him.

Oh, how I have wanted to "look God right in the eye" and ask why some things have to happen. I am just thankful that God is in charge and not me. I would have screwed things up a long time ago!

Toys and other stuff

Addie loves Elmo and Elmo loves Addie!


Howdy, Partner! Little Joe look-alike.



Star Wars forever!



Drew wasn't feeling well last Saturday and he let me go to Wal-Mart by myself. Yes, I said "let" because he usually does all the shopping. For some reason it costs more when I go. I knew he wasn't feeling well when I offered to go and he said, "Yes." I contemplated calling 911 when he said I could get the kids a toy since it has been a while since we had bought them something. (Could he be feeling guilty about Christmas?)


Anyway, I went to Wal-Mart and the boys wanted to go with me to pick out their toy. I told them we were going to buy groceries first and that would give them time to think about what they wanted. After about an hour we finally made it to the toy department. And not a moment too soon~ I was tired of Bryson asking what time it was and him telling me how long we had been shopping.



Bryson LOVES Star Wars, so I knew exactly where he would go. He always tries to talk Jackson into getting Star Wars toys, too. Jackson isn't as crazy about those toys and usually Bryson can talk him into trading his Star Wars guys for some "lesser" guy he doesn't want.



Jackson wouldn't be so quick to convince last week, though. He knew exactly what he wanted~ cowboy toys. My boys started watching Bonanza a few months ago and they are hooked. We DVR the episodes for them every day and they watch them on the weekends whenever they can. Jackson loves Little Joe and wants to be him. He wears "cowboy pants" (jeans) every day to Miss Linda's and cries if we try to have him wear something else. He even has rubber boots that look like cowboy boots that he likes to wear. (yes, we are classy dressers!) He picked out a holster with two guns and a cowboy hat for his toy. He was so excited to find the hat. He has been wanting a cowboy hat but I wasn't going to spend too much on one. This one was $4.97! Perfect.



Addison is into Elmo right now, so guess what she got! We record Sesame Street each day for her and she wants to "atch Elmo" after her bath each afternoon. She got the Kiss Me Elmo. He makes "kissy" sounds and says how much he loves her. He is soft and snuggly, too!



So, we had fun at Wal-Mart and it reminded Drew again of why I cannot go by myself. I tried to go to Target by myself today after church and he insisted on dropping me off while I ran in so I wouldn't stay so long! Self-control is something I need to work on!

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(You may want to stop reading here. The rest is just stuff I have been thinking about and want to get out of my head!)

Other things:

My thoughts are random and very scattered. I am not going to try to go back and put them in any kind of order. I don't have time for organization right now! What you see is what you get.

I don't think I am alone in suffering from a poor self-image. I have never felt thin enough, smart enough, good enough, nice enough, successful enough, etc. I don't compare myself to ONE person, I compare my self to ALL people. I also have a tough time accepting compliments of any kind. If I receive a compliment I say thank you and it is usually followed by a joke or self-depreciating comment. I don't feel worthy of compliments so they are difficult to accept. I really have a hard time when someone says something about the way I look.

This past week, for some reason, several people have complimented me or said something about my looks or body or clothes. Everyone was very nice, but each time I felt like I wanted to hide myself. I don't know why. Drew and I had a nice discussion today about this. He is ALWAYS very complimentary of me. It doesn't matter if I am fully pregnant and over 200 pounds (Yes, I was over 200 pounds with each child and no, I can't believe I just typed that but I am not going to delete it! You can pick your chin up off the floor! :0) ) or if I am at my lightest. (Which I am now. I am about 15 pounds lighter than when we got married!) He has always said he loves the way I look. I just can't seem to accept or believe that. I don't know why.

When I graduated from high school I weighed a whopping 145 and went to Jenny Craig shortly after graduation. Of course, they took my money and suggested I get down to 120. I was in GREAT shape in high school and exercised 2-3 hours a day. There was hardly any fat on my body, but I weighed more than most of my friends so I thought I was "fat." I would have died before I let anyone see me on a scale.

I don't want Addison to grow up thinking she HAS to look a certain way or fit into a certain size. I want her to be a healthy girl, young lady and woman. I want her to be able to wear a bathing suit without feeling like she has to apologize for the way she looks. I want her to have confidence to walk into a room and not feel like people are gasping at the size of her thighs. I want her to think about other things besides the way her legs look when she sits in a chair.

I have always exercised. I have come to terms with the fact that I won't ever be 120 pounds as suggested by the counselors at Jenny Craig. I exercise to have a healthy heart and lungs. Smaller thighs would be the icing on the cake! I will not lie and say I don't desire smaller legs! I get up at 4:15 most days of the week and head to the gym for an hour. I do this for me. I do this because I HAVE to do it. This keeps me sane. (Well, as sane as I can be!) If I don't work out for a couple of days I start feeling cranky and unsettled.

Exercise has helped me control my cholesterol and blood pressure. I give blood regularly and they always check your blood pressure before you donate and they check your cholesterol. I have watched my cholesterol go from 199 about four years ago to 130 this past year. I used to take blood pressure medicine and my blood pressure yesterday was 105/72! That is the lowest it has ever been. I will find out my cholesterol this week. I feel like it is a competition to get it below what it was at my last donation! Crazy, I know!

A couple of weeks ago I went shopping and bought two pair of shorts in my "regular" size. I never try things on until I get home. I tried them on and they were too big. Drew took them back for me (He is good like that!) and got me the next smaller size. They fit great. I had them on yesterday and they were even a little big now. They may shrink a little after they are washed, so I think they will be fine.

Today at church five or six people said that I looked "skinny." What??? Seriously??? This word doesn't go with me. I am not "skinny." I have never been "skinny." Why does this word bother me so much? I just don't get it. This is what prompted my and Drew's conversation. He thinks I should be happy with how I look. I see that there is still more work to be done. He thinks I should relax about it. I am afraid I will "let myself go." He thinks I spend too much time and energy worrying about what I eat and how much I exercise. I think that if I don't think about it, who will do it for me. He thinks I am on my way to having problems. I think I am so far away from that and not wired that way. I think exercise is something nobody can do for you. You have to do it for yourself.

I will try to relax a little bit. I will try to enjoy buying clothes that don't pull or pinch. I will try to enjoy not having to wear baggy clothes. I will try to not be embarrassed or apologetic when someone makes a nice comment about me. I will try to not worry about how big my legs look when I sit down or wear shorts. I will try not to worry about the number on the scale. I will try to be happy in my own skin. I will try not to think about every bite of food I put in my mouth. I will try.

Why did I feel the need to share all of this? I don't know. I guess I just needed to get it out. I feel like I am a pretty average person with average thoughts and opinions. Maybe some of you feel the same way. That's all the energy I have for this post. I know it was VERY random and scattered, but that's how thoughts are sometimes!

Short Story

This week I have seen my kids in a new and refreshing light. I was reminded this week about how much kids learn their first year or two. They start off knowing only how to eat, poop, pee and cry. By the time they are a year old they know how to sit, crawl, walk, talk and relate. During their second year they learn how to form sentences and manipulate people to get what they want! It only gets better from there.

Earlier this week Bryson picked up one of Drew's watches. (He has a thing for watches and has MANY, although not as many as he would like!)

Bryson: Dad, is this yours?

Drew: Yes.

Addison: Daddy, is ees yoos?

Drew: Yes.

Addison whispering to Bryson: Bry, poot eet dow. (Translation: Bry, put it down.)

She was afraid Bryson was going to get in trouble for playing with Daddy's watch. She was looking out for her older brother. So sweet! I love watching my kids relate to eachother. I have told both boys that they are Addison's heros and they have to teach her how to act. They do a pretty good job. I am blessed to have three wonderful kids. I have seen this anew this week and it is refreshing.

This morning I sneezed and three little voices said, "Bless you," in unison. This was such a sweet sound. Even Addison knows to say, "Bless you," after someone sneezes. That just amazes me that she knows that at 21 months old. Of course, she is VERY smart! :0)

This has been a VERY busy week. We have had something to do each night this week. I am tired and sleepy because I haven't been sleeping well. I keep thinking about all the things I need to do by tomorrow. Once the week is over I can breathe a little easier and focus on the next thing. I haven't posted in a few days, but I felt like I needed to check in! That's all I have for now.