Not so shining moment

Some times when I begin to write a blog post I delete it because I feel like I am sharing too much. This is one of those times, but I am not going to delete it. I am just going to keep going. If you know me, you know I am an open book. I will share just about everything~ the good, the bad and the ugly. Some may think I share too much. I guess those people don't have to keep reading. Some people may read and see that I am normal (I hope!) and that we are all human. Judge me if you want, but I am going to blog about what moves me.

I am not perfect. I will be the FIRST to admit that. I have moments where I feel like I am doing pretty well navigating through this life I have been given. Then, I have moments where I am a total screw up. Last night was one of the screw up times.

My kids have been getting on my nerves the last couple of days. Most of the time they don't, but the last couple of days haven't been good. Yes, I am extremely thankful for them. Yes, I know I am blessed with three incredible and healthy children. Yes, I know there are people who would kill to have children. I know these things, but the fact remains that they have been getting on my nerves. Try not to judge me too harshly.

Yesterday afternoon we had a meeting after school and then Bryson had basketball practice. Drew had a late coaches' meeting, so I was single mom for the night. (As a side note, let me just say right now that I am SO THANKFUL that I only have to be a single mom for one day every week or so and not every stinkin' day. I don't know how they do it.) Anyway, we were going to have about 20 minutes at home before we had to leave for basketball practice. I was trying to make sure Jackson had what he needed to do his homework while Bryson practiced and I was trying to make sure Addie had something to do to keep her occupied. At the same time I was trying to get them a snack because we weren't going to have dinner until after practice. Addie was asleep in the car during all of this, so I only had two kids under foot. Yes, I left her asleep in the car in the garage while we were home for 20 minutes. That was so much better than the alternative of waking her up and risking a total melt down.

Practice was fine, Jackson did his homework and Addison woke up in a fairly good mood. She colored while Jackson did his homework and I was able to relax for about 5 minutes. On the way to the car Addie started running down the sidewalk. She was wearing flip flops. I told her to stop running and Bryson also told her to stop. Well, of course she didn't listen and ended up falling on her knees and then her head hit the concrete. While this was going on, Jackson climbed through the back of my car and couldn't shut the back door. When we left for practice I told him not to do this anymore because he wasn't able to close the door. I told him to go through the side door then crawl to the back. As I was gently reminding him of this ( Who am I kidding? I was yelling), Addison was screaming her head off because she fell. Bryson was asking about what we were having for dinner. I got in the car and pulled away. When we were about 1/2 mile away from the school where Bryson practices I had to make a right turn at a stop sign. I was still gently talking to (yelling at) them about following directions and why it is important to listen to their mom when I misjudged the turn and hit the curb with my back right tire. I hit it pretty hard. They were bouncing around, my sunglasses fell from the little storage thing they are in, my purse fell over and the cup of tea I had spilled in my car. (Luckily, it was unsweetened so it wasn't sticky!) Then I heard it~ ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. It was coming from my back right tire. Then my tire pressure light came on.

I was on a two-lane road with no shoulder or lights and it was dark. I knew I couldn't stop there. I wanted to try to make it home, but I was still about 3-4 miles away. By this time the kids are crying and freaking out. I am just trying to make it somewhere safe where I can pull over. I finally make it to a church parking lot and pull under one of their lights. I had been driving for a good ways on just the wheel. I knew this wasn't good, but there was no safe place to stop. When I opened the car to inspect the damage all I could smell was burning rubber. My tire was completely flat. This is where I was a total screw up. (As if all events leading up to this were wonderful and upstanding.)

I began yelling at my kids. I blamed them for my misjudging the turn. I blamed them for me being stressed out. I blamed them for anything and everything that came into my head. During all of the blaming, I managed to call Drew and tell him what had happened (I may have paraphrased a bit and may have thrown in a few explitives, I can't exactly remember. At least that is what I am claiming today!) He said he would be there in about 20 minutes. Yes, I yelled and blamed some more and I didn't feel badly at the time. I was so MAD! Drew came and I took his car and the kids home. He stayed to put the spare on and drove home.

The guilt didn't come until later. And, boy, did it come. I just pray that I didn't scar my kids for life. I am not perfect. I screw up. But, I do the best I can do at the time. Sometimes my best is pretty good and sometimes my best, well, just sucks. My kids have forgiven me. Addie has told me that I am her best friend. Jackson has told me many times that he loves me. Bryson has hugged me and told me that he loves me. Drew has forgiven me and told me these things happen. Now if only I could forgive myself.

Today we took my car in to get a new tire put on. The car won't be ready until tomorrow. They have to install the tire and fix the wheel. This temper tantrum of mine is going to cost us $300-$350. Have I learned a lesson? I hope so. Will I lose my temper again? Probably. Will my family forgive me? I am fairly certain they will. Will I finally be able to forgive my self? I can only pray I will.

Routine (or lack there of) and Sickness

I always forget how much I NEED a routine until I don't have a routine. Two weeks ago I stayed home from work with Jackson because he didn't feel well. That was on a Monday. Truthfully, I was a little thankful to be able to stay home with him and have a day to lay around in my pj's doing nothing. The next morning I woke up to the sound of sleet hitting our windows. Then we got the call (actually 7 calls) saying that school was closed for the day. So began our FOUR snow days in a row and our WEEK of no routine. The first couple of days were great, but after that I began to CRAVE my routine.

Monday started a new week and I looked forward to getting back to working out first thing in the morning and getting on with my day. This lasted for exactly TWO days. Wednesday morning we got the call, again, that school was cancelled due to some more ice. Seriously? We had just got back to normal. Luckily, this time the ice melted during the day and we were able to go back to school the following morning.

Thursday morning I woke up late (4:45) because the volume was turned off on my phone. It probably happened when Addison was playing with it the night before. I was a little miffed because I missed my morning workout, again. Once I got up I realized that I didn't feel quite right. My throat was hurting and I was getting achey. I asked Drew if he would call the doctor and try to get me an appointment for that day. This is unusual for me, because I haven't been to a doctor due to illness in recent memory. Seriously, it has been at least 4 years since I have been to my primary care physician. So long, in fact, that she is no longer at that office. I don't know where she ended up.

So, Drew found me a new doctor and got me an appointment for 11:00 Thursday morning. By the time I finished filling out the paper work I started feeling feverish. I had already take 2 doses of ibuprofen for the pain in my throat, so it probably kept my temperature down, also. My temperature was only 99.5 when checked, but I know it would have been higher if I hadn't taken the ibuprofen. Sometimes you just know your body~ at least I do. The doctor checked me out and decided to give me a prescription for an antibiotic for a sinus infection. She never tested for strep, but I know I had it. Again, sometimes you just know. I knew the antibiotic would take care of the strep, so I didn't ask for the test. I dropped my prescription off at Sam's and went back to school. I probably shouldn't have gone back, but I didn't want to leave Pam, my EA, alone with my afternoon classes. I just made plans to leave as soon as I could when I was finished with my last class.

I checked the boys out early, picked up my prescription and went home. I took a hot bath, put my pj's on and got in bed. By then I was feeling pretty bad. Drew brought me dinner at some point and I managed to swallow it. It takes A LOT to keep me from eating! Ha Ha! I had planned on taking the antibiotic a few times, getting some rest and going to work the next morning. Usually, I only stay home from work if one of the kids are sick or I have body fluids coming out uncontrollably! Sorry, TMI! A sinus infection and (undiagnosed) strep throat only keeps wimps home from work. WRONG! During the night, I got much worse. My throat began to hurt so bad that it hurt just to breathe. I had a fever most of the night even though I was taking ibuprofen ever 4 hours. My body ached and my skin hurt to the touch. I was miserable. Around 5:30 I dragged myself out of bed to put in for a sub. I knew I just couldn't make it.

I spent all day on Friday in bed. I only got up to eat and use the restroom. Remember, it takes A LOT to keep me from eating! I finally got out of bed around 3:00 to take another bath so I could go pick up Addison. Drew picked up the boys and took them with him to his basketball game. By that time I was beginning to feel better and knew I would live to see another day.

Today is the first day my throat hasn't hurt to swallow. I think I am finally back to "normal" (It's a relative term with me!) and I am looking forward to working 5 full days this week.

I need my routine. I need structure. I enjoy the occasional bonus day off, but I function so much better when I have a routine. Tonight I will set my alarm, and make sure my volume is on, and look forward to getting back to normal in the morning!

Arctic Blast and Some Scattered Thoughts

We were stuck in the house all week because of the Arctic Blast that blew into Texas and stayed around for a few days. The first two days were wonderful! We laid around watching TV, sleeping and eating. After that, though, it started to get a little tiresome. I was itching to get out of the house. I went to the gym a couple of times just to have someplace to go. The first day I ventured out I saw a lady slam her SUV into a concrete barrier in the median of the highway and saw several other cars slipping and sliding around on the streets. By the time I made it to the gym I was a nervous wreck. It was probably the dumbest thing I did that day. I really should have not been out on the streets driving around just for the sake of getting out of the house. Not a smart move. I still had to make it back home, too. I also needed gas. The next day I still went to the gym, but the roads weren't quite as bad.


During this time at home I had a lot of time to think. Yeah, I know, not always a good thing! Some thoughts have been running through my mind for several months now and last week I spent a little more time throwing these ideas around. So many times I compare myself to other people. I want to be like this person, I want to look like that person, I want to be as successful as __________, I wish I had personal style like ____________, I wish my house looked like ___________, and so on and so forth. So, I started thinking: Why is it so bad to just be ME? What is so wrong with me that I want to change me? So, I have decided to just be the best ME I can be. Whatever that is. I know I am not perfect. I know I have many faults and flaws. But, I also know I have some good points. My goal is to try to focus on what I do well and try to be the best person I can be~ not to compare myself to other people, but to compare myself to me.


I have always had it in my head that I want to be a certain size or shape. I would look at other people and wish I could look like them. Last summer I started on a journey to lose 20 pounds. I had a vision of what I would look like 20 pounds lighter. As the weight started coming off, though, I couldn't see the changes that I wanted to see. I still looked like me. People started commenting about how much I had lost and I just couldn't see it. When I looked in the mirror I still saw all the flaws. I didn't see the changes that were taking place. I know it's hard to notice changes when you see yourself every day, but I just couldn't believe that it was visible to others. Once the 20 pounds were gone, I still wasn't satisfied. I wanted to lose 5 more. Maybe if I lost 5 more I would be satisfied. I know it is an endless cycle. I know that it is not really about the weight. I know this, but it is hard to get out of this way of thinking.


During this journey (and a lot of time spent thinking this past week) I began to wonder why I wanted to look like __________ or __________. Why try to be someone I am not? Not only did I start to change on the outside, but I started to change on the inside. I started to realize that I am never going to look like another person because I am NOT that person. I am me and I need to be the best me I can be. I know I would be a lot less frustrated with things if I would just stop comparing myself to other people and just try to be the best person I can be.


I know this may sound stupid to some people and trivial to others, but it isn't to me. I have never really been happy with myself for many reasons. It is time that I stop criticizing myself and start focusing on my positive attributes. If I do this, I know I will be a better wife, mother, teacher, daughter, sister, friend, etc. I may not be perfect, but I am me. Take me or leave me. Either way, I am going to make it. Either way I am going to be the best I can be.


So, I hope you will stay with me during this process. I know I am not always easy to be around, but just know that I am trying. I know that the people who truly love me will be there for me when I need them most. I know that even when I won't ask for help the people who love me will be there to offer their help. I know that this is not going to be a short, quick journey. But, I also know that I will come through it a better person. Thank you, in advance, to the people who will help me be the best me I can be.

"S" Happenings

Stock Show
Pily was in town last weekend, so we took her and the kids to the Stock Show. Her future school is right across the street, so we stopped and took her picture in front of the school's sign. Just a few more months and she will have her "official" white coat! I am super excited for her and super excited that she will just be minutes away from us!

Stinky
The kids didn't enjoy seeing the animals at the Stock Show because "they stink!" I told them that they stink too, but they didn't see the humor in it. We ended up spending most of our time paying too much money to ride the carnival rides. Yes, I know, this is what they want you to do and we played right into their hands. $4 for a ride is ridiculous, but we paid it anyway. The kids had fun, though, so that's all that matters. No, Drew didn't ride anything. He is afraid of dying on a carnival-type ride, so he just watched. I, on the other hand, love to ride rides! I am hoping one of my kids will want to ride with me when we go to Disney World this summer. I'll feel really stupid riding all by myself!

Snow
It snowed/iced here last night so we are off work! I was awake off and on all night. I just couldn't sleep very well. I could here it raining/sleeting and could hear the wind blowing around like crazy. Around 2-3 in the morning, it turned to just sleet. My alarm went off at 4 and I decided not to go to the gym. I didn't want to chance it. No workout is worth the $500 it would cost me for my car insurance deductible. At 4:30 I took a Simply Sleep and prayed for a call from the school district saying school was cancelled. I was so sleepy, but couldn't sleep, so I just took my chances that it would be cancelled and took the pretty blue pill that leads to happy sleepiness! It paid off and I was able to sleep until noonish.

Seven
The number of times the district's automated phone system called to say school was cancelled. Once the phones stopped ringing I was able to get some good sleep in.

Stuck
We are pretty much stuck in our house. Our driveway is rather steep and Drew is afraid we couldn't get back up the driveway if we backed out of the garage. This is fine, but I KNOW that cabin fever will start to rear its ugly little head if this lasts too much longer.

Sick
Jackson woke up Monday morning saying he thought he was going to throw up. He is usually pretty honest with us and knows when he is going to be sick, so I stayed home with him. He said he "threw up a little bit," but I never (thank goodness) saw any evidence to confirm this. He stayed in bed most of the morning and spent the rest of the evening watching movies with Addison in her room. By evening, he was just fine. Who knows, maybe he pulled one over on us. I probably won't be so quick to believe him in the future. And, yes, I told him this!

Stuffed
Drew has been home with us today, so he has been cooking. He brought me some yummy breakfast in bed when I was in between sleeping. I ate so much that I told him I couldn't eat anything until dinner. I got hungry around 2:00 and had a couple of oranges, though. He also made a fabulous chocolate cake. After dinner (his wonderful beans and cornbread), I had a piece. And, yes, it was as wonderful and chocolately as I knew it would be! I enjoyed every stinkin' bite!

Super Excited
We found out earlier this evening that school is closed again tomorrow! I know, I know we are going to have to make up these days, but I am going to enjoy every second right now! Snow days are just so exciting for kids and teachers!

I think that is about all the "S" things going on right now! Stay tuned, I'm sure there is more to come in the days ahead!