Not so shining moment

Some times when I begin to write a blog post I delete it because I feel like I am sharing too much. This is one of those times, but I am not going to delete it. I am just going to keep going. If you know me, you know I am an open book. I will share just about everything~ the good, the bad and the ugly. Some may think I share too much. I guess those people don't have to keep reading. Some people may read and see that I am normal (I hope!) and that we are all human. Judge me if you want, but I am going to blog about what moves me.

I am not perfect. I will be the FIRST to admit that. I have moments where I feel like I am doing pretty well navigating through this life I have been given. Then, I have moments where I am a total screw up. Last night was one of the screw up times.

My kids have been getting on my nerves the last couple of days. Most of the time they don't, but the last couple of days haven't been good. Yes, I am extremely thankful for them. Yes, I know I am blessed with three incredible and healthy children. Yes, I know there are people who would kill to have children. I know these things, but the fact remains that they have been getting on my nerves. Try not to judge me too harshly.

Yesterday afternoon we had a meeting after school and then Bryson had basketball practice. Drew had a late coaches' meeting, so I was single mom for the night. (As a side note, let me just say right now that I am SO THANKFUL that I only have to be a single mom for one day every week or so and not every stinkin' day. I don't know how they do it.) Anyway, we were going to have about 20 minutes at home before we had to leave for basketball practice. I was trying to make sure Jackson had what he needed to do his homework while Bryson practiced and I was trying to make sure Addie had something to do to keep her occupied. At the same time I was trying to get them a snack because we weren't going to have dinner until after practice. Addie was asleep in the car during all of this, so I only had two kids under foot. Yes, I left her asleep in the car in the garage while we were home for 20 minutes. That was so much better than the alternative of waking her up and risking a total melt down.

Practice was fine, Jackson did his homework and Addison woke up in a fairly good mood. She colored while Jackson did his homework and I was able to relax for about 5 minutes. On the way to the car Addie started running down the sidewalk. She was wearing flip flops. I told her to stop running and Bryson also told her to stop. Well, of course she didn't listen and ended up falling on her knees and then her head hit the concrete. While this was going on, Jackson climbed through the back of my car and couldn't shut the back door. When we left for practice I told him not to do this anymore because he wasn't able to close the door. I told him to go through the side door then crawl to the back. As I was gently reminding him of this ( Who am I kidding? I was yelling), Addison was screaming her head off because she fell. Bryson was asking about what we were having for dinner. I got in the car and pulled away. When we were about 1/2 mile away from the school where Bryson practices I had to make a right turn at a stop sign. I was still gently talking to (yelling at) them about following directions and why it is important to listen to their mom when I misjudged the turn and hit the curb with my back right tire. I hit it pretty hard. They were bouncing around, my sunglasses fell from the little storage thing they are in, my purse fell over and the cup of tea I had spilled in my car. (Luckily, it was unsweetened so it wasn't sticky!) Then I heard it~ ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. It was coming from my back right tire. Then my tire pressure light came on.

I was on a two-lane road with no shoulder or lights and it was dark. I knew I couldn't stop there. I wanted to try to make it home, but I was still about 3-4 miles away. By this time the kids are crying and freaking out. I am just trying to make it somewhere safe where I can pull over. I finally make it to a church parking lot and pull under one of their lights. I had been driving for a good ways on just the wheel. I knew this wasn't good, but there was no safe place to stop. When I opened the car to inspect the damage all I could smell was burning rubber. My tire was completely flat. This is where I was a total screw up. (As if all events leading up to this were wonderful and upstanding.)

I began yelling at my kids. I blamed them for my misjudging the turn. I blamed them for me being stressed out. I blamed them for anything and everything that came into my head. During all of the blaming, I managed to call Drew and tell him what had happened (I may have paraphrased a bit and may have thrown in a few explitives, I can't exactly remember. At least that is what I am claiming today!) He said he would be there in about 20 minutes. Yes, I yelled and blamed some more and I didn't feel badly at the time. I was so MAD! Drew came and I took his car and the kids home. He stayed to put the spare on and drove home.

The guilt didn't come until later. And, boy, did it come. I just pray that I didn't scar my kids for life. I am not perfect. I screw up. But, I do the best I can do at the time. Sometimes my best is pretty good and sometimes my best, well, just sucks. My kids have forgiven me. Addie has told me that I am her best friend. Jackson has told me many times that he loves me. Bryson has hugged me and told me that he loves me. Drew has forgiven me and told me these things happen. Now if only I could forgive myself.

Today we took my car in to get a new tire put on. The car won't be ready until tomorrow. They have to install the tire and fix the wheel. This temper tantrum of mine is going to cost us $300-$350. Have I learned a lesson? I hope so. Will I lose my temper again? Probably. Will my family forgive me? I am fairly certain they will. Will I finally be able to forgive my self? I can only pray I will.