Arctic Blast and Some Scattered Thoughts

We were stuck in the house all week because of the Arctic Blast that blew into Texas and stayed around for a few days. The first two days were wonderful! We laid around watching TV, sleeping and eating. After that, though, it started to get a little tiresome. I was itching to get out of the house. I went to the gym a couple of times just to have someplace to go. The first day I ventured out I saw a lady slam her SUV into a concrete barrier in the median of the highway and saw several other cars slipping and sliding around on the streets. By the time I made it to the gym I was a nervous wreck. It was probably the dumbest thing I did that day. I really should have not been out on the streets driving around just for the sake of getting out of the house. Not a smart move. I still had to make it back home, too. I also needed gas. The next day I still went to the gym, but the roads weren't quite as bad.


During this time at home I had a lot of time to think. Yeah, I know, not always a good thing! Some thoughts have been running through my mind for several months now and last week I spent a little more time throwing these ideas around. So many times I compare myself to other people. I want to be like this person, I want to look like that person, I want to be as successful as __________, I wish I had personal style like ____________, I wish my house looked like ___________, and so on and so forth. So, I started thinking: Why is it so bad to just be ME? What is so wrong with me that I want to change me? So, I have decided to just be the best ME I can be. Whatever that is. I know I am not perfect. I know I have many faults and flaws. But, I also know I have some good points. My goal is to try to focus on what I do well and try to be the best person I can be~ not to compare myself to other people, but to compare myself to me.


I have always had it in my head that I want to be a certain size or shape. I would look at other people and wish I could look like them. Last summer I started on a journey to lose 20 pounds. I had a vision of what I would look like 20 pounds lighter. As the weight started coming off, though, I couldn't see the changes that I wanted to see. I still looked like me. People started commenting about how much I had lost and I just couldn't see it. When I looked in the mirror I still saw all the flaws. I didn't see the changes that were taking place. I know it's hard to notice changes when you see yourself every day, but I just couldn't believe that it was visible to others. Once the 20 pounds were gone, I still wasn't satisfied. I wanted to lose 5 more. Maybe if I lost 5 more I would be satisfied. I know it is an endless cycle. I know that it is not really about the weight. I know this, but it is hard to get out of this way of thinking.


During this journey (and a lot of time spent thinking this past week) I began to wonder why I wanted to look like __________ or __________. Why try to be someone I am not? Not only did I start to change on the outside, but I started to change on the inside. I started to realize that I am never going to look like another person because I am NOT that person. I am me and I need to be the best me I can be. I know I would be a lot less frustrated with things if I would just stop comparing myself to other people and just try to be the best person I can be.


I know this may sound stupid to some people and trivial to others, but it isn't to me. I have never really been happy with myself for many reasons. It is time that I stop criticizing myself and start focusing on my positive attributes. If I do this, I know I will be a better wife, mother, teacher, daughter, sister, friend, etc. I may not be perfect, but I am me. Take me or leave me. Either way, I am going to make it. Either way I am going to be the best I can be.


So, I hope you will stay with me during this process. I know I am not always easy to be around, but just know that I am trying. I know that the people who truly love me will be there for me when I need them most. I know that even when I won't ask for help the people who love me will be there to offer their help. I know that this is not going to be a short, quick journey. But, I also know that I will come through it a better person. Thank you, in advance, to the people who will help me be the best me I can be.