Twenty

Jamie (2) and Jana (1) February 1973

Twenty years ago I came home from work to find my sister dead on my bed. My life was forever changed.

I remember the day like it was yesterday. I came home between school (I was a sophomore in college) and work and she was sick. She had been to the doctor the day before and was diagnosed with the flu. When I saw her she looked terrible~ white as a ghost and wrapped in a blanket on the couch. That was the last time I would see her alive. "Stop moping around," were the last words I ever said to her. Yes, I was the caring little sister that got on her last nerve~ daily.

All through work I just had this nagging feeling that I wanted to go home. (Of course, these things become more apparent after something terrible happens.) I just couldn't shake the feeling. I stayed and worked my shift because we were in the middle of doing inventory and in retail that is the most important day of the year.

I got home around 6:30 on a Wednesday evening. It was dark and cold. There were no lights on in the house. This was odd since I knew she was home. I called her name while turning on lights. When I turned on my light in my bedroom I knew it was too late. I had never seen death before, but it is unmistakable. It's the color of the skin that is a telltale sign. She was laying on my bed like she had just sort of fallen there. One leg was hanging off and her hands were up at her chest. Her eyes were almost shut~ almost. I grabbed my phone instinctively and dialed 911. I don't know what I said, but I do know they asked me if she was breathing. I remember telling them that I couldn't touch her, but that I didn't think so. That's all I remember about the call.

I remember walking around the house waiting for the paramedics to get there. Just wandering aimlessly~ pacing. At some point I called my dad at work (in Waco) and all I remember saying was, "Jamie is dead." I then handed the phone to someone. I don't know who. Those words sounded like they came from someone else. I couldn't possibly have said those words.

I tried to call my mom at work, but she had already left. Those were the days before cell phones. I couldn't warn her of what she was about to walk into at home. I will never forget the look on her face when she walked into the house and saw all then people in there. She was never the same after that.

I will also always remember the sound Jamie's fiancee made when he came to the house and was told she had died. They were less than 8 months away from being married and I can say that he was never the same, either. I guess none of us were. You never know what a huge hole someone will leave in your heart and your world until they are gone.

An autopsy was performed and it was ruled that she developed pneumonia. This diagnosis has never settled well with me. I don't see how a seemingly healthy 21 year old woman can be diagnosed with the flu one day and be dead 24 hours later. I am not doctor, but it just doesn't seem right. I guess when it's your time to go, you just go. It doesn't always make sense.

Jamie and I were your typical sisters. We were 13 months apart (1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day apart to be exact). We fought like nobody's business and talked until the wee hours in the morning. She took care of me and acted like she hated every minute of it. Every time we moved (which was a lot) she let me sleep in her bed until I was ready to sleep in my own. We scratched each others backs at night and sang songs together. We played dolls, Barbies, store, school and house together. We were each others best friend and worst enemy. When we would move we would only have each other until we met new friends. She was the only person who truly understood what it was like to grow up like we did. The only person who really knew the true me.

Through the years I have wondered what it would have been like if she were still around. Would we still bicker and fight? Would we drop by each other's house just because? Would our kids be best friends?

It is hard to believe that I have lived as much of my life without her as I did with her. I have been dreading this day for years. I wondered what it would "feel" like to have lived as long without her as I did with her. It has been so long, but seems so recent. Time is strange.

The picture at the top is one of the last pictures ever taken of her. That was taken in December 1991 and she died about a month later in January 1992. I wish I would have realized that my time with her was coming to an end. You just never know when will be the last time you see someone. You just never know.

This is how I like to remember her. She was about 9 years old here. She was happy and healthy and our world was fairly stable at this point. We were inseparable at this time in our lives.

It took me a long time to stop feeling numb. I returned to school and work. I needed the routine of it all. My mom eventually returned to work. After Jamie's death my mom and I didn't know how to act around each other. Jamie was the "good" kid and I was the "bad" one. She and Jamie got along with each other, where as I just caused trouble. Looking back I realize that I had a lot of anger issues that should have been dealt with. I know how to handle my anger as an adult, but as a kid I just lashed out. This became more apparent after Jamie was gone. My mom and I were so angry/sad/hurt that all we did was snap at each other.

Even though things were tense and we didn't speak, I slept in her bed every night for about a year. I didn't want to sleep in my room~ that is where she died. I didn't want to sleep in Jamie's room~ that is where she lived. My mom's room was the only other option. There I was 20 years old sleeping with my mom. I needed my mom, but was too afraid/scared/proud to say so. So, she let me sleep with her and never said a word about it.

Eventually, I couldn't even be in that house and ended up moving to an apartment by myself. The memories were just too much. My mom moved shortly after that, too. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like for her.

I am a changed person because of my sister. I miss being a little sister and being taken care of by her. I am thankful that I have Drew and my kids. They are such a blessing to me. Even though I often wonder why things happen the way they do, I know that I am not in control. My ways are not God's ways. His plan is perfect even though it isn't always what we would choose. I know I will see my sister again. We accepted Christ as our Saviour at the same time and were even baptized together. I look forward to the day I can see her again and give her a great big little sister hug.