30 Days of Truth

I am copying this from another blog I read. She may not do this for 30 consecutive days, so I will just follow her lead and post when she does.

Day 1~ Something you hate about yourself.

There are several, but I will try to pick just one (or two!). I cry easily. Happy, sad, angry, overwhelmed, exhausted, embarrassed, nervous or frustrated all result in crying. Talking about my kids or any kids for that matter can bring on the tears, too. Just THINKING about my family makes my nose burn and eyes water. I will cry during TV commercials, too. Just today I watched Cougar Town and cried at the end when Courtney Cox was talking with her dad. If I see someone else crying, I cry. If I listen to music, I cry. I have told Drew many times that if there was one thing I could change about myself it would be that I cry way too easily. He, being the wonderfully supportive husband that he is, has told me that it is something he loves about me. He may love it, but I hate it. Just sitting here typing about this is making me tear up! For as long as I can remember, I have been this way. I guess I am just overly sensitive. I have tried to accept that this is the way God made me, but it is still embarrassing when I tear up for no apparent reason. I don't want to make people uncomfortable around me, so I try to hold it in as best as I can. I guess this is just something I will have to continue to live with.

The next thing I hate about myself is that if I am afraid I will fail at something I won't try it. I don't like to fail~ who does, right?! I know I have held myself back from some things because I am afraid of failure. I know this is just part of my insecurities (I have MANY), but it is still hard to overcome.

So, there you have it, two things I HATE about myself. I don't hate myself, there are just some things that I wish were different. What do you hate about yourself?

Progress

I have debated about blogging about this for a few weeks now, but I have decided to just go ahead and do it. If nothing else, it will be documentation for me that this truly did occur in my life!

I started doing Weight Watchers Online about mid-summer. I knew it would work because I have seen it work on other people. I didn't think I would last very long, though. I love to eat! I knew it would be hard to make the necessary sacrifices to lose weight. I am not terrible over weight, but I am heavier than I want to be (aren't we all!). My goal was/is to lose 20 pounds. So far, I have managed to lose 11. It has come off very slowly. Eleven pounds in three and a half months is not much to brag about, but at least it is coming off and not coming on! :0) I won't say I never stray from Weight Watchers, because I do. I'm sure it would come off a lot faster if I stuck with the program exactly, but I would like to enjoy life (and food) a little bit!

I also started training for a half marathon about six weeks ago. This is something I NEVER thought I would do. Running is just not my thing, but I decided to give it a go. I, along with a friend and my little sister, signed up to do the White Rock half marathon in December. Right now the training is going well. I run at the gym two days a week and do a long run on the weekends. I am also still strength training four days a week and doing some cross training two days a week. The last two weeks we have run eight miles on our long runs. Our average time per mile was just under 9 minutes per mile. Not too shabby, I guess. I don't really have anything to compare it to, though! This Saturday we will run 9 miles and I hope we can maintain the same pace. My original goal was to just finish the half marathon without walking, but I think I am going to have a time goal as well. We'll see how the rest of the training goes. I think I have six weeks left before race day.

So, with all this watching what I am eating and extra running going on I have managed to lose 11 pounds, but I have also gone down a size in my clothes. I have lost several inches all over my body (I took measurements before starting) and I am finally able to see a difference in my clothes. I still have days where I feel totally "fat," but those days are getting fewer and farther apart. I hope I can finally beat this horrible "fat trap" that I have been in. I really want to be comfortable with the body I have been given and don't want to obsess over every little thing I put in my mouth. It is a struggle, but I am hopeful that I can rise above it. Until then, I will continue to run and will try to do my best to eat healthy food each day.

Pictures

We have been VERY busy this week and last week and the week before that, well, you get the idea. So, I am just going to post some pictures I have taken lately. Enjoy!

Searching for Balance

Today I just needed some time to be still and quiet. I finished with my last class at school and the boys were in my office with me. They were doing what all kids do when they are together~ talk, make noise, touch each other, argue, etc... As I was sitting there trying not to lose it with them, it dawned on me~ I don't have any time during the day that I am able to just sit in silence. At the gym in the mornings there is music blaring. At home someone always needs something. At school, 400 someones need something. In the evenings we are making dinner (Yes, I make dinner sometimes!), taking baths, doing homework, getting ready for the next day, etc. Yes, I am thankful that I am able to go to the gym, spend time with my kids, have a job, cook dinner and do homework. I am just craving some time to sit in silence and rest, reflect and maybe breathe a little. When my life is hectic for long periods of time I feel myself coming unraveled. I feel like that right now. I need some time where I don't HAVE to do anything. I need some time with no responsibilities. Please tell me other people feel the same way. I don't want it to seem like I am ungrateful for all I have been given. I am so very thankful. How do you find the right balance? I am searching for that right now.

October

Tomorrow is October 1st. I have always loved October. I love the weather, football season and the fact that my birthday is in October. (It's the 18th in case you were wondering!) Growing up I would tell every one that I had a "Birth Month" and not just a birthday. I hoped it would bring me more gifts, but it didn't!



I don't love October as much as I used to. Six years ago on October 1st my mom died. (I blogged about it here a couple of years ago.) Her body wasn't found until October 3rd, so that date is her official date of death. We know she died on the first, though. She was wearing the clothes she had on at work on October 1st. One of her friends had driven home with her that day and confirmed this. So, even though her head stone says October 3, 2004 we know it was really on October 1, 2004 that she took her last breath.



I think of her all the time and still have the urge to pick up the phone and call her. I know one day I will see her again. I know that she was proud of me and loved my boys like no other grandmommy ever could. I know she knew I was taken care of and she was comforted by that.



I am thankful that my mom didn't suffer when she died. She had, evidently, lay down on her bed to take a nap after work and she never woke up. I imagine she never knew she was about to take her last breath and that she was completely peaceful when the life went out of her. There was no sign of a struggle and no indication that she suffered in any way. In that I take comfort.



Mothers and daughters have a dynamic relationship and ours was no different. I was not always the best daughter. I was not always patient. I didn't always say kind words. I didn't always show my appreciation for how hard she worked and the sacrifices she made raising two girls as a single mother. I haven't always been good at sharing my feelings and showing affection, but, I know for a fact that my mom knew I loved her.



So, even though October is a tough month for me now I will try to enjoy my "birth month" as much as I can. I know my mom would want me to do that.

My Super Sweet Son

Me: Eww. I took off all my makeup and I don't look so hot.

Jackson: But you are.

Could he be any sweeter?

Our Weekend

********If you are reading this and expecting to find great writing skill, you are going to be very disappointed! I am just writing to chronical the things that happen in our lives. I am no writer~ never have been and never will be. Read if you want!********

Friday I took off work to go to a funeral. One of my grandmother's brothers died last Sunday. My grandmother hasn't been feeling well lately and I wanted to see her. With school starting and all that goes along with that I haven't been able to get away. So, Friday I made the time. I knew seeing Addison would make her feel better, too, so I took her with me. She didn't know we were coming. I wanted it to be a surprise. She doesn't get too many surprises these days. I didn't take a change of clothes or anything to spend the night because I didn't want to be tempted to stay. I really didn't think they felt up to having company, so I didn't take a thing. I was glad I did this, because I would have stayed the weekend otherwise. I love it up there.

We left around 6:30 Friday morning which was about 30 minutes later than I had planned. I knew it would take 3 1/2 -4 hours to get to Broken Bow, so we didn't have any time to play with. I had to call them when we got to Honey Grove because I didn't think we were going to make it by the time the funeral started (10:00). She seemed genuinely surprised when I told her we were on our way. It was 8:30 when I called her and she didn't think we would be there in time either. I told her we would try our best to get there and that if we were late we would just slip in the back. We drove like crazy and didn't stop to even go to the restroom. We pulled up to the church just as the family was walking in at 9:59! We made it.

Addison went right to my grandparents and they were pleased as punch to have her sit with them. I was worried about her talking during the service, but she didn't make a peep. She and I talked about what was going to happen and I tried to tell her what a funeral was and what she would see and hear. She did great and I was very proud of her. At the grave site she sat with my grandmother and didn't make a sound there, either.

The church had lunch for the family and Addie enjoyed putting on a show for my grandparents! Of course, she wouldn't talk to any body else who tried to talk to her, but she talked to my grandparents and made them happy. My grandmother's aunt was there and tried to play around with Addie. I think she is 98 years old and seemed to enjoy "bugging" Addison. Addie didn't seem to mind, but when we left she said, "That old lady pulled my hair!" We hated to leave, but my grandmother was getting tired and needed to go home.

On the ride home Addie took a nap. It rained on us off and on the whole way. It took a little longer to get home because I didn't drive as fast through the rain. We were tired but very glad we went and even happier when we pulled into the driveway!

Saturday Nancy came over for our long run. It started raining as soon as she got there but we decided to run in the rain. We had a good time running and talking. We ran 6 miles in 56:16. Next week we are scheduled to run 7 miles. It has been fun having a running buddy. I never thought I would enjoy running with someone, but I really do. It makes the time go by so much faster. I feel like I am holding Nancy back because she runs faster than I do, but she says I am not. So, we will continue to train and keep our sites on our run date~ December 5th.

Later that afternoon I had an appointment to get my hair cut and colored. I have been trying to grow it out for the last 6 months or so. I decided to go a little darker with my color. Veronica added some red to it and I really like it. I always enjoy getting my hair done and spending some time alone without kids!

After my hair appointment I had an appointment to donate blood. I started donating three years ago when my dad was in the hospital having his by-pass surgery. They were having a blood drive that day and I have been donating ever since. It is something easy to do that can help save some one's life. This time, however, it was more painful than usual. I thought I was just being a wimp and didn't say anything about it hurting while the needle was still in my arm. When the needle was taken out of my arm I noticed that it was swelling and painful. A couple of people who worked there also commented on the color of my blood. It was very red compared to another bag of blood they held up next to it. I didn't really think anything about this. I don't see bags of blood every day so I don't know what is normal and what is not. They briefly wondered if the girl who stuck me had hit an artery instead of a vein, but decided that I didn't bleed fast enough to indicate they hit an artery. They still seem a little concerned, though.

I didn't say anything about the pain and went to eat my cookies and drink my water. (It's also a good excuse to have some cookies! I always get the Nutter Butters! I love those!) After standing there for just a minute I started to feel light headed and my arm started to hurt more. I showed my arm to Matthew, the guy who finished my draw, (I was his PE teacher many years ago when he was in elementary school. He is usually the one who draws my blood, but this time another person did it and he finished up with me.) asked if this was normal. It had never happened to me before. He got a strange look on his face and had me sit back down. He called a couple of people over to look and they seemed very concerned. I told them I was a little light headed and they raised my feet up. They started rushing around and this kind of scared me. They determined that the girl that stuck me went through my vein and blood was leaking out of the back of the vein. Whatever, I just knew it hurt and was swelling quite a bit.

Matthew got an ice pack and put it on my arm. He held it there for about 10 minutes putting constant pressure on my arm. He told me what to expect over the next few days (pain, bruising, tenderness) and got me some hot and cold packs to take home. When they determined that I was okay to leave, they sent me on my way.

In the car I called Drew. At this point my arm was so swollen I couldn't bend it to hold the phone up to my ear. I also had some waves of light-headedness as I drove home. Throughout the evening it became more and more sore. I kept ice on it for a little while and wrapped it up to keep some pressure on it. It was achy throughout the night and it starting to bruise some. It is very tender. I know it is going to be fine, but it may be tender for a while.

I haven't felt so great today. I don't think it has anything to do with my arm. I think I am just tired and worn out. We stayed home from church today and I went back to bed for a couple of hours. Hopefully I can get rested up today for the week. Life doesn't stop just because I am tired! :0)

So, that is how our weekend has gone so far. Right now the Cowboys are playing and actually winning, so I am going to go watch the rest of the game! Have a great week!