Christmas 2008

We (okay, Drew) cut down our tree at my grandparent's house this year. It was pretty bare, but it worked. My grandmother had some old ornaments that were my mom's and we decorated it the best we could. The boys had a good time with it. It may not be the prettiest tree, but it is one they will remember!

This is Addie and my granddad writing. We played many card games and Addie always had to be in on the action.

This was on the last night we were there. We went out riding on the four-wheelers in the dark one more time before we left. Addie LOVES to go for a ride. She has been riding since she was about 6 months old and I would strap her into her Snuggli and take her riding around. This is her absolute most favorite thing to do when we are there!

Jackson was as happy as could be to open his presents. Yes, Santa found us in the woods in Oklahoma and brought toys. He even ate all the cookies!

Bryson was happy, too. He sent an e-mail to Santa telling him we would be in Oklahoma this year. Santa responded and said he would find us.
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I have had so many emotions this week I don't even know where to start.

We left for my grandparent's house last Monday. When we got there my mom's brother and two sisters were there. It was good to see them, but also strange. Ever since my mom died people have acted weird around me. I don't know if I have done something to offend anyone or if I remind them of her and that makes them uncomfortable. I always look forward to seeing family, but then when I do it is awkward. We weren't around them for long because they left early the next morning. I wish things could be different, but I guess they can't.

I have been so emotional this past year. I think it is finally setting in that this is how things are going to be from now on. My mom is gone. Yes, I know she has been gone for over four years, but I think it is finally becoming real to me.

I have also been thinking a lot about my sister. My grandmother used to record us singing and talking when we were young. She brought out some of those tapes when we were there last week. I used to enjoy listening to those silly tapes, but now they just make me sad~ those two little innocent girls full of life and happiness. One would be dead by the time she was 21 and the other one would be left to face the world without a sister and a mother. I try not to dwell on those things, but sometimes they just get to me. I wonder what it would be like to go shopping with my sister. To hang out at each other's houses. To play with each others kids. To talk about the crazy things our mom said or did. I wish I could have had an adult relationship with her. This I will never have.

We were very close in age (13 months apart) and experienced many heartaches in our lives. We moved a lot. Our parents divorced after 11 or 12 years of marriage. We spent a lot of time together. We were all each other had. I remember that we used to sit in our room and sing songs out of an old hymnal. She would play the tune on a little keyboard she had and we would try to sing all the songs. We would play Barbies and store. She always had to be the storekeeper. She liked being in charge more than I did. She was older and liked to play the part of the older sister. Having kids now, I realize how special those times were. She has been gone almost 17 years~ almost as long as she was here. There are so many things we never got to do that I wish for almost daily. I don't know why this has been hard this year, but it has.

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So, we had fun, I was just an emotional wreck. I think I hid it well, though. I didn't cry in front of anyone, so no one was the wiser! I am hoping I will be able to work through these emotions so I don't feel ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I am very sensitive anyway, I have just been extra sensitive the past couple of months.