19 Years~ I Remember

I almost have lived without her as long as I lived with her. This is hard to wrap my mind around. Honestly, it seems like yesterday. I can't believe it has been this long. Some things you never forget. Each day in January that leads up to the 22nd, the events of that awful night 19 years ago play in my mind. I blogged about it a couple of years ago here. You can read the whole horrific story, if you want.

I remember each detail like it just happened. The sounds, smells, sights, people are just too real. I remember making the 911 call and then the call to my dad. I remember wandering through the house not knowing what to do until help arrived. I remember feeling so helpless. I remember feeling my life crash all around me. I remember the sound of her fiancee's cry when he was first told she was gone. I remember how heavy but empty my chest felt for days, weeks and months afterward. I remember how my mom seemed like a shell of herself. I remember that she and I would go days without saying a word to each other. Each greiving together, but separately. I remember cleaning out her room. I remember knowing that I couldn't sleep in my room because that is where I found her. I couldn't sleep in her room because it was HER room. I remember being 20 years old and sleeping with my mom like a toddler because I couldn't stand to be alone in that house where she died.

I remember how she and I could bring out the worst in each other. I remember how we could also bring out the best in each other. I remember knowing that she would take care of me, her little sister, when I couldn't take care of myself. I remember "borrowing" money from her always with the promise of paying her back, knowing that I never would. I remember that she never hesitated to give it to me anyway. I remember the way she would dream about being a mom and raising her own kids. I remember her laugh and her smile. Her cry and her scowl. Her anger and her joy.

I remember how we were afraid to say her name afterward because it hurt so badly. I remember going with my mom to choose her headstone and how she wanted it to be perfect. I remember turning my head when passing the cementary because I couldn't stand to see it. I remember my mom's silent tears that seemed to come out of nowhere. I remember how my mom and I would take our anger and hurt out on each other because we just didn't know what else to do. I remember feeling alone.

I REMEMBER.