One Year and Some (Random) Thoughts

WARNING: This entire blog post is about weight loss, body image and dieting.

I have been struggling with some issues lately. If you don't want to read about these, stop reading and go do something else. If you are going to criticize me or critique every little word, misspelling or incorrect grammer don't waste your time. I am going to get my thoughts out without fear of how this is going to sound to someone who doesn't truly know me. I am going to be honest and transparent and if you don't like it, I am not going to worry about it. Love me or leave me. If that means I lose another friend on FaceBook, then so be it. If it means you stop reading my blog, that's fine too. (If you do know me in real life, you know I am NEVER this blunt. I guess I am just feeling "ballsy" right now!) These thoughts are going to be random and scattered, but that's how I am. Again, if you don't want to read and support me, move on.

I have been doing Weight Watchers for one year. I started off wanting to lose 20 pounds because I had registered to run a half marathon. I wanted to make the running as easy as possible and I knew that losing weight would help. I have blogged about this before, so I won't go into it too deeply.

After I lost 20, I lowered my goal weight 5 pounds, met that goal and lowered it 5 more pounds. I have never been able to reach the final goal of 30 pounds lost. I really thought I would have reached it by now. Unfortunately, I get in my own way sometimes and this is one of those times. I don't know if I am afraid of what comes next after I reach my goal, or if my goal is unrealistic. I have come within 3 pounds of my goal, but just can't get there. In the past 3 months I have stayed within a 3-5 pound range of my goal. Am I at my healthy weight? Is my body saying it's had enough? Does the "number" really matter? Why is that particular number so important? These are the questions that are floating around in my head right now and they are cluttering up my brain.

This morning I decided to increase my goal weight to 25 pounds lost and begin maintenance mode. This will give me some freedom to enjoy the rest of the summer and hopefully stop my obsession with the "number" on the scale. I know reaching the "number" will not make me a better person. I know it will not complete my life. I know Drew won't love me more if I get there. I KNOW these things, so why has it become so important? It's not important, so I need to stop the maddness right now. I KNOW what is important in life~ Drew, my kids, my family, God and my personal relationship with Him, my job, my friends. The "number" is not. I have spent SO MUCH time obsessing and focussing on it that I was beginning to lose sight of the really important things. This is my attempt to stop.

I have changed so much in the past year. I KNOW this, but sometimes I need little reminders. In the past few weeks I have had several people comment on my changing body. Compliments are nice to hear, but, frankly, they make me a little uncomfortable. I just never know what to say in return (yes, I do say "Thank you") and I just try to change the subject as quickly as possible. Saturday morning after taking a kickboxing class, a lady, who I have seen may times at the gym, stopped me in the parking lot and said I looked amazing. Really? I told her thank you and started to turn toward my car. She then asked how I have done it. I began to tell her that I have been doing several things, but I think that eating better is the key to it all. I told her I began Weight Watchers, trained for and ran a half-marathon, use the Nike Training Club app on my iPhone, and take several classes each week during the summer at the gym. This is the same thing I tell anyone who asks. She and I talked for about 10 minutes. Then I got in my car and the first thing I noticed was how big my legs looked while sitting in my car. Seriously? Why am I so hard on myself? Why can't I just be satisfied with how God made my body? Why do I immediately see my flaws while other people can see past that?

This morning I woke up and immediately starting thinking about the "number" and if I would ever reach it. That is when I decided to increase my goal weight and try to get over this obsession. I told Drew my plan and (I think) he agrees. He will support me no matter what, but I know his brain starts to hurt when I start talking to him about the "number." Yes, I have talked about it A LOT over the past year.

So, as of today, I am happy to report that I have reached my (new) goal weight! Does this matter to anyone but me? Nope. Will anybody even know what that number is? Not unless they ask. I have been pretty honest with people who have been gutsy enough to ask how much I weigh. I know it's not a question you would normally ask someone, but if I can help someone deal with their weight issues I will. I am glad some people feel comfortable around me to ask such personal questions. If you know me in real life, you know that I am an open book~ too open sometimes! I'm sure most people would still think I need to get my number down a little bit, but I have to consider my body type and make-up. I need to consider my muscle to fat ratio. I have been lifting weights a lot over the last 6 months, so I know that is going to make my body weigh more. I cannot change my body type, I can just work with what I have been given.

I am hopeful that my journey will encourage or inspire other people. I would love to be able to help someone become healthier or more fit. I would love to be an encouraging voice to someone who is struggling with the same issues I face and have faced in the past. I have told Drew (and one friend) that if I am this same size in a year, I will consider myself successful. I don't want to have to do this over again. I am going to focus on maintaining my current weight and toning my muscles as much as I can. I am going to focus on being healthy physically as well as spiritually. I am going to enjoy everything that God has blessed me with and the people who are in my life. Right now I am in a good place.