I've got a new attitude!!!

My attitude has been pretty bad lately. I have been blaming others for the way I have felt. I have had many discussions with myself in my head. (I hope I'm not the only one who does this!) I have been trying to figure out why I am so unhappy, angry, vengeful and hateful when I have so much to be thankful for. I am usually a positive person, but that has changed lately. I don't know why, but I am determined to change. I don't enjoy feeling uneasy and angry all the time. I am missing out on some good times because I am too busy wasting my energy being mad. So what if not everybody likes me? I have to learn to like myself. I can't do anything about what has happened in my past. I can only change things now. I have the most wonderful husband and three sweet and healthy kids who think I hung the moon. I have a few close friends who love me even when I don't deserve it. I am healthy and physically able to do everything I need/want to do. Sure I could do some things better, but don't we all have room for improvement? I need to stop comparing myself to others. When I compare myself I always end up feeling horrible about myself. I know this, but continue to do it. I am going to make a conscious effort to look on the bright side, appreciate the people who choose to be a part of my life and look for the blessings around me each day. I am sure my outlook will change and hopefully I will be much happier. I have so much to be thankful for. I am truly blessed beyond measure.

Feelings

I'm sure it's no secret that I have been having a tough time lately. The holidays have brought some feelings and hurts to the surface and I can't seem to control them. Usually I can do a pretty good job at pretending things are fine and/or stuffing my feelings deep down inside. For some reason, though, I can't do it anymore. I'm tired, cranky, hurt, sensitive, emotional and angry. Yes, I have prayed about it. Yes, I have tried to distract myself. Yes, I have talked about it- to Drew. Those things helped temporarily, but then the feelings rear their ugly heads and I lose control. I am to the point where I don't want to see or speak to anyone outside of my little circle of five (me, Drew and my kids) and one or two friends. I don't care if I hurt anyone's feelings. I am in self-preservation mode and I am just trying to protect myself. I may end up spending the rest of the holidays holed up in my house. That would be perfectly fine with me. Am I depressed? Probably. Am I going to do anything about it. Nope. I'm sure it will pass just like it always has before. I don't know how long it will take, but I'm willing to just ride it out. I don't know why certain times of the year have to be so hard. I guess that's just how life goes. I guess I will just try to make it through the holidays the best I can and try to get back on track after these feelings pass.

Sweet Suprise

This morning I decided to go out for a run. Drew had to work today so I was trying to get back before he had to leave. About 3/4 of the way into my run I look up and there he is standing on the corner. Shocked, I asked him what was wrong. He smiled and said he just needed one of my kisses. I love that man so much. I know I didn't do anything to deserve him. I just hope I can do enough to keep him.

Second Half

Today I ran my second half-marathon. Last year I swore I would NEVER do another one. I even used some colorful words when I said it! I didn't think I would ever run again. After calming down and changing my workout routine, I reconsidered. I signed up for another one six months ago knowing that I would have to do it if I paid for it. We trained all fall and finally race day came. My goal this year was to enjoy it. I am proud to say that not only did I enjoy it this time, but I ran my personal best time of 1:58. That was even done in 45 degree temps and rain. I really think the rain helped by keeping us cool. I am even contemplating running a full marathon in the next few months. I may not be able to run the whole thing, but I want to complete one.

I am so thankful for Drew's support and understanding that this is something I want to do. He may not understand it, but he has told me more than once that he will support whatever I want to do. I am blessed by that man.

I always hated running. I wasn't good at it and I just didn't like it. I am stocky and have short legs. I am definitely not build like a runner! At one time I worked up to running five miles at a time. That was quite an accomplishment for me. I didn't do it very often because it hurt! :0) After I had kids just running a mile or two was torturous. I knew running would change my body, but I just didn't like it. Once Nancy and I started running together I started getting better at it and it didn't hurt so much. I finally realized that I could be a runner even though I'm not build like a runner and always hated it. I may not be fast, but I just try my best. I won't say that I enjoy running for the sake of running,yet, but hopefully I can get there. I like how I feel AFTER I run and I like how much stronger I have become, so maybe one day I will like to run for enjoyment. Who knows! Miracles happen every day!