I've got a new attitude!!!

My attitude has been pretty bad lately. I have been blaming others for the way I have felt. I have had many discussions with myself in my head. (I hope I'm not the only one who does this!) I have been trying to figure out why I am so unhappy, angry, vengeful and hateful when I have so much to be thankful for. I am usually a positive person, but that has changed lately. I don't know why, but I am determined to change. I don't enjoy feeling uneasy and angry all the time. I am missing out on some good times because I am too busy wasting my energy being mad. So what if not everybody likes me? I have to learn to like myself. I can't do anything about what has happened in my past. I can only change things now. I have the most wonderful husband and three sweet and healthy kids who think I hung the moon. I have a few close friends who love me even when I don't deserve it. I am healthy and physically able to do everything I need/want to do. Sure I could do some things better, but don't we all have room for improvement? I need to stop comparing myself to others. When I compare myself I always end up feeling horrible about myself. I know this, but continue to do it. I am going to make a conscious effort to look on the bright side, appreciate the people who choose to be a part of my life and look for the blessings around me each day. I am sure my outlook will change and hopefully I will be much happier. I have so much to be thankful for. I am truly blessed beyond measure.

Feelings

I'm sure it's no secret that I have been having a tough time lately. The holidays have brought some feelings and hurts to the surface and I can't seem to control them. Usually I can do a pretty good job at pretending things are fine and/or stuffing my feelings deep down inside. For some reason, though, I can't do it anymore. I'm tired, cranky, hurt, sensitive, emotional and angry. Yes, I have prayed about it. Yes, I have tried to distract myself. Yes, I have talked about it- to Drew. Those things helped temporarily, but then the feelings rear their ugly heads and I lose control. I am to the point where I don't want to see or speak to anyone outside of my little circle of five (me, Drew and my kids) and one or two friends. I don't care if I hurt anyone's feelings. I am in self-preservation mode and I am just trying to protect myself. I may end up spending the rest of the holidays holed up in my house. That would be perfectly fine with me. Am I depressed? Probably. Am I going to do anything about it. Nope. I'm sure it will pass just like it always has before. I don't know how long it will take, but I'm willing to just ride it out. I don't know why certain times of the year have to be so hard. I guess that's just how life goes. I guess I will just try to make it through the holidays the best I can and try to get back on track after these feelings pass.

Sweet Suprise

This morning I decided to go out for a run. Drew had to work today so I was trying to get back before he had to leave. About 3/4 of the way into my run I look up and there he is standing on the corner. Shocked, I asked him what was wrong. He smiled and said he just needed one of my kisses. I love that man so much. I know I didn't do anything to deserve him. I just hope I can do enough to keep him.

Second Half

Today I ran my second half-marathon. Last year I swore I would NEVER do another one. I even used some colorful words when I said it! I didn't think I would ever run again. After calming down and changing my workout routine, I reconsidered. I signed up for another one six months ago knowing that I would have to do it if I paid for it. We trained all fall and finally race day came. My goal this year was to enjoy it. I am proud to say that not only did I enjoy it this time, but I ran my personal best time of 1:58. That was even done in 45 degree temps and rain. I really think the rain helped by keeping us cool. I am even contemplating running a full marathon in the next few months. I may not be able to run the whole thing, but I want to complete one.

I am so thankful for Drew's support and understanding that this is something I want to do. He may not understand it, but he has told me more than once that he will support whatever I want to do. I am blessed by that man.

I always hated running. I wasn't good at it and I just didn't like it. I am stocky and have short legs. I am definitely not build like a runner! At one time I worked up to running five miles at a time. That was quite an accomplishment for me. I didn't do it very often because it hurt! :0) After I had kids just running a mile or two was torturous. I knew running would change my body, but I just didn't like it. Once Nancy and I started running together I started getting better at it and it didn't hurt so much. I finally realized that I could be a runner even though I'm not build like a runner and always hated it. I may not be fast, but I just try my best. I won't say that I enjoy running for the sake of running,yet, but hopefully I can get there. I like how I feel AFTER I run and I like how much stronger I have become, so maybe one day I will like to run for enjoyment. Who knows! Miracles happen every day!

Training and Stuff

It's been a while since my last post. That is because life is crazy busy right now. When I get home from work I only have time to make dinner, help with homework and get the kids ready for bed. When I do finally sit down, I don't want to sit at the computer. I hope life slows down a little bit to allow for more blogging time, but I just don't see how or when. I can hope, though.

My second half-marathon is less than two weeks away. I know after running one last year I said I wouldn't do another one, but I guess I lied. I said I was giving up running. It was too hard on my body and I didn't like it. That lasted exactly one week. So, in June I signed up to run another half-marathon. My goal this year is to enjoy it and take in the atmosphere of the run and have fun with my training partner. I would like to beat my time of 2:06, also. We are aiming for a time of right under 2 hours. I hesitate putting this out there, but I really think we can do it. Based on our training times, we are right there. I am hoping the adrenaline will help us reach that goal.

We started our long runs thirteen weeks ago. We have been running on Saturdays with one Sunday mixed in there because of a scheduling conflict. We never missed a week. We started off with four miles and added a half mile or, just recently, a full mile each week. We worked up to 12 miles. That run was yesterday and was definitely the toughest one for me. More on that later.

So, on Saturday we run outside around my neighborhood. During the week we do a variety of activities. On Monday we do the Nike Training Club app for 30 minutes and run 4 miles. Tuesdays and Thursdays we do Nike Training Club for 45 minutes and either the stairclimber or elliptical for 15-20 minutes. Tuesday and Thursday afternoons I teach a Boot Camp class after school. On Wednesdays we run 7-8 miles on the treadmill, depending on our speed and how much time we have. Fridays are our yoga days. Saturdays are long run days. Yeah, it's a lot, but I am SO much stronger this year than I was last year.

Last year I struggled through the long runs and was physically ill for about a day afterward. I have only had a couple of days like that this year and it usually followed a run that was in the heat and or humidity. Yesterday was the first time this "running season" that my knees hurt. They ached SO BAD all day long and into the night. I even went to bed with heat wraps wrapped around each knee. Today they have been a little sore, but definitely less sore than yesterday. It's just something I am going to have to put up with, I guess.

Next Saturday we are doing a short 5 mile run just to give ourselves a little break before we run on the 4th. I think this will help us feel fresh and ready to run the whole 13.1 really strong. I know 13.1 miles doesn't seem like a lot to some serious runners, but I remember a time not that long ago that I could barely run one mile without feeling like I was going to pass out. I have worked really hard to get to where I am today and can finally say that I am proud of what I have accomplished. I can finally say unapologically and with confidence that I am a runner. In the past I wouldn't call myself a runner. Now I am a runner. Not a big deal to most people, but it is a big deal to me.

Nancy and I have already talked about how we are going to change up our training after our run on the 4th. I am excited to have a change and a new focus. We have signed up for the Warrior Dash in April and will probably do a couple of small 5k's in the Spring. I don't know when we will do another half, but I am not going to rule anything out. I would like to do the Tough Mudder, also. We'll see. For now I will focus on our run coming up and see what the future holds.

Random, because that's the way I roll.

My world is SO BUSY right now. Each school year I make a vow to slow down, simplify and not spread myself so thin. Once again, though, I have broken my vow. I think I am busier than I have EVER been. So, I will update with bullet points.

• Last Monday I, with the help of Nancy, started a walking/running club every morning before school starts. Our thought was to have the kids get up and moving in the mornings instead of sitting in the gym. We workout in the mornings and feel so much better in the mornings, so we thought the kids at school could benefit from some morning activity. I didn't know exactly how to start a program like this (I tend to get hung up on the little details), so I found a program that is already established. It is called Mighty Milers and is sponsored by New York Road Runners. Since our school has a high percentage of kids on free and reduced lunch, it is doesn't cost us anything. The kids are trying to walk/run enough to earn a marathon medal. Each time they run/walk 26.2 miles they earn a medal. They can earn up to 4 in a school year. We weren't sure what the response would be, but we have been pleasantly surprised! So far, we have had 175 kids come out to run/walk in the mornings and they have run about 400 miles combined! We have two kids who are already about half-way to their first medal! It is amazing to see 100+ kids running, walking and getting their minds and bodies ready for the day. So far, it has exceeded my expectations. The only down side to it is all the data I have to input each week. Last Friday I stayed at school until after 5:30 just to get their names in the data base. I could only do 100 before I ran out of space. I have had to request more space in the data base and will probably have to stay until 5:00 or so again tomorrow. Once I get everyone entered, though, it shouldn't take that long each week. At least that is what I am hoping!
• Drew is almost finished with football season. This time of year is always so hard for me, but I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Football takes up so much of his time, but I know he loves doing it. As long as he is happy I will do whatever I need to do. He does so much for me each day that I can atleast hold down the fort while he is off coaching and scouting.
• This year I have a split conference period. That just adds to my already tight schedule. I only have 20-30 minutes of uninterrupted time and I just can't seem to get anything done. I also have crosswalk duty after school. It's only 10-15 minutes, but that's just one more thing to do. Oh well, it's a give and take. Give a little here, take a little there.
• I am teaching a Boot Camp class after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays for our parents/staff and whoever else wants to join us. At first I was scared to do this. I am NOT a certifed trainer or expert by any means. I just know what works or has worked for me. I was very self-conscious about it at first, but I am starting to gain some confidence. The ladies who come to the class are hard working and will do anything I ask them to do. I know what they hate to do (froggers and pushups), but they will still do them if I ask them to! I really hope they are getting something out of it and I am enjoying working with them each week.
• I have been doing a Beth Moore study at church on Wednesdays. Drew's mom is one of the facilitators. It has been challenging to do the homework each week, but it has so been worth it. I am learning a lot about myself and my relationship with God. We have 3 weeks to go and I am hoping to finish strong! Bryson has been attending the youth group on Wednesday nights and Drew helps with that. Jackson and Addison go to their classes, too, and seem to be enjoying them.
• Jackson has made a profession of faith (He actually did it last Spring, but never wanted to go to the front of the church to make it public.) and will be baptized soon. I am proud of the sweet boy he is and look forward to watching him grow in his faith.
• Addison is still her crazy self! I have so much fun talking with her and spending time with her. I just love her at 4 years old! She is funny, quirky, sweet, spunky, sensitive, tough, girly and tomboyish. She is the perfect little girl for me!
• Drew got Addie and I tickets to Casa Manana this season so we have some planned "Ladies Days." I love getting to take her out to lunch and to see a show. She loves going and is just the happiest little thing while we are together. I hope we get to do this for many more years. I know I will cherish our time together.
• Bryson is loving middle school and is doing great. He made the "A" honor roll for the first six weeks and seems to have adjusted well. I was worried about how he was going to do in a new school where he didn't know anyone, but he has done just fine.

So, as you can see we are busy, but busy with good things. I can't believe how fast the year is going. It will be summer before I know it. And just in case you were wondering, there are 211 days until Summer 2012!!!

I can feel God...

The other day I was getting ready for work when Addie wandered into my room. She put her hand on my chest and said, "Mommy, I can feel your heart. I can also feel God in your heart." That was just the sweetest thing. My prayer is that God will shine through me in my daily life. I pray that not only will God be IN my heart (which I KNOW He is), but that I will allow Him to shine THROUGH my heart.