October 2009

It is no secret that I have been having a tough time lately. I cannot figure out what the problem is. This time of year is hard for me, but this year seems especially difficult. Last night I was so tired that it took all my strength just to breathe. My chest was so heavy and I could do nothing but lay on the couch. I am hoping that was the worst of it and things will start getting better. Today was an okay day, so I am hopeful~ again.

Tomorrow marks the 5th anniversary of my mom's death. This may have something to do with the way I have been feeling. You'd think that after five years things would be a little easier by now, but this year things seem worse. It may be that I would have loved my mom to be a part of my kids' lives and see them in school. I see kids with their grandparents or hear kids talk about their grandparents and it makes me sad. My kids will never know their "Grandmommy." Bryson doesn't remember much about her and this makes me sad, too.

I am hoping to get through this week and weekend okay. I think the anticipation of the anniversary will be worse than the actual day.

You can read my thoughts about this from last year here.

Back to myself???

I sure hope so. It has been one of the toughest weeks of my life. Of course, the deaths of my sister and mother were harder, but this ranks right up there at the top. I think just an accumulation of several small things added up to something huge. I really don't want to go into all the ugly details, but let's just suffice it to say that it was incredibly hard to put one foot in front of the other. I have realized through the process that I have an amazing husband (Yes, I already knew this, but it was confirmed yet again.) and some wonderful friends and co-workers.

This week I allowed my self to become someone I never thought I would become. I became bitter, cold-hearted, selfish, mean, catty, hateful and mean-spirited. (There are more horrible adjectives, but I will spare you. I think you get the picture.) I started talking ugly about people and didn't let off. I lashed out at people who didn't deserve to be struck down by my anger. I have gone to those people and apologized and they have graciously told me that it's okay. I know it's not okay, but I am so thankful that they love me in spite of me.

I realized this week that I can earn other people's respect by my actions and I don't have to try to demand their respect. I also learned that I am respected by more people than I ever imagined. I tend to be very self-critical and think others feel the same way about me. I now know that other people don't see all my flaws and short-comings. I did let several of my insecurities and flaws show this week and for that I am very sorry.

I know I have been put on this earth to serve a purpose. I may not always know what that purpose is, but I know I have a purpose. Right now I know that I am supposed to focus on my husband, my kids, my family and some wonderful friends that have been placed in my life. All other things may have to take a back seat for a little while. I am still going to have days where I lose perspective, but I never want to go back to the place I was at this week. I know that I will have bad days and things will likely fall apart again, but I also know that with my amazing support system I will make it and I will make a difference along the way.

I need a break

I am going to take a much-needed break from blogging and from Facebook. My attitude stinks right now and I need to refocus on the important things in my life. I feel like the computer has become a distraction and is taking away from things that are priority. I hope I will be able to get it together soon and get back to being myself. I don't know how things got so out of control or what has happened, but I am going to try to fix it.

What a week! I am exhausted. I know I say this ALL THE TIME, but I really am worn out. I don't know why the start of this school year has been so much harder than years in the past. Maybe having two kids in school instead of just one is the reason. I don't know. It would seem that things would be easier since the boys are both with me this year and I only have to drop Addison off at Miss Linda's, but that may have added to the stress. It may be that Addison is two now and we all know what a joy that can be! She is the most dramatic little thing. Could her crying almost every morning right when it's time to leave the house have anything to do with my stress level going up??? I sure hope this is a phase and not a window into our future with her!

Moving on. Jackson is doing GREAT in school. He loves his teacher and just loves learning. I was really worried about him before school started because he just had no interest in learning how to write his name, learn his letters or do anything but play with light sabers. But now, it is like his little learning light just switched on. He LOVES to learn. I asked him what the best part of school is and he said writing. He can write his name and knows most of his letters. He even knows how to spell a few words (dog, brown, red). I never had to worry about his behavior, though. He is such a rule follower and likes to please. I hope he stays this way. It helps that he has a WONDERFUL teacher and he LOVES seeing her each day. I am so proud of him and know that the future only holds great things for him.

Bryson is doing wonderfully in fourth grade. He has finally learned to love reading and spends a lot of time at home with his nose in a book. The other day he said, "Mom, reading is so much fun!" Have I not been telling him this for the past four or five years??? He thinks all three fourth grade teachers are awesome and likes going to school each day. I am thankful for the great teachers at our school and I am looking forward to the many things Bryson will learn this year.

Drew is knee deep in football season. I can't say that I love it, but I know he loves coaching. I will support him coaching for as long as he wants to do it. (I am saying this today, but there have been days I have wanted him to quit!) Eventually, he wants to be an administrator. That will happen when the time is right. Right now, though, I want him to enjoy what he is doing. He is really great about letting me relax on the weekends since I have to do just about everything with the house and kids during the week. For that, I am very thankful.

My job is going okay. I always struggle at the beginning of the year. I forget how young kindergarten kids are and how much they just don't know about being in school. My patience is always stretched at the beginning of the year. I will hang on and they will learn how I like things done in my gym. It's all a matter of training.

Today is the first day in a week that it hasn't rained. I have enjoyed the rain and the cooler temperatures it brought, but it has wreaked havoc on my hair! I am TRYING to let it grow out a little but, but this humidity makes it tough! My hair has just enough wave in it to be annoying. I have to fight with it every day. I am hoping that in a couple of months it will be long enough to not look so bad every day! I just hope I can make it until then without cutting it all off. Then I would just have to start over.

I slept in Thursday morning instead of going to the gym. I don't know why I let myself do that, because I just beat myself up about it for the rest of the day. I know it is better just to get up and go, but sometimes I let the need for sleep get the best of me. I did, however, go to the track by our school Thursday afternoon. I ran and did some bleachers while the boys played. I would do this a couple of times a weeks last spring and I think it really made a difference in my fitness level. I stopped going when it started getting hot. I don't like to feel like my head is going to pop off when I am working out! That is what it feels like when I get so hot. I am going to try to go to the track again this year once or twice a week. I hope it will be the change I need to start seeing results, again.

This post is all over the place, but I just wanted to update about how things are going so far this school year. I think of things to post about during the week, but by the time I actually get around to blogging I can't think of anything to say! Now, I am going back to the couch to watch some football and enjoy the rest of my Saturday.

Fun Weekend and a Goal

Pily and her friend, Carolyn, competed in a sprint triathlon on Sunday in Denton. They stayed the night with us (along with Pily's mother, Espy.) and I was able to go watch them swim, bike and run. It was fun being around competition again. The whole time I was watching I was thinking, "Man, I could SO do this." I have thought about trying to do a triathlon, but was concerned about the swim. I can swim, but I have never swum competitively. After watching today, though, I am pretty sure I could do it. I think this is going to be a goal of mine. I am going to do at least one sprint triathlon by the time I am 40. That is only two years away. I am putting it out there, so maybe I will actually do it. Physically I think I could do it right now, but I want to train for it. If there is anyone out there who wants to train with me, let me know! I would love to train with Pily, but she lives in College Station.

It has rained for three days here in Texas, but that didn't stop them! We stood out in the rain and cheered them on each time they passed us. I was motivated watching everyone competing.

This is Carolyn and Pily. Carolyn won 2nd place in her age group! Way to go, Carolyn!

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I had to peel myself up off the couch to come write a post. I have been laying there for about three hours. Drew has rubbed my feet the entire time! The only reason I got up is because he got up to go fix dinner! I am so spoiled and I know it. Yes, he knows I appreciate him.

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Yesterday, I went to the the gym as I usually do on Saturday mornings. I left about an 45 minutes early so I could run before my kickboxing class. I let myself sleep in on Thursday morning, so I had do a double workout to make up for it. I ran 4 miles and then took a one-hour class. I was BEAT by the time I got home. I walked in the house to Bryson vacuuming the floors and Drew cleaning the house. I took a shower and just sat on the couch. Finally, Drew told me to go to bed and take a nap. Of course, I couldn't sleep, but I stayed in bed for a couple of hours.
He cleaned the house and got things ready for dinner. He is just the best and doesn't want me to have to do anything on the weekends. Some times I take advantage of that, like yesterday, and some times I don't. Thanks, Drew for being so great and taking such good care of me!

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Tomorrow starts another week and I hope I am ready for it. I get so tired by the end of each day, then I have to come home and take care of my three kids. I hope I am not short-changing them. I know that all I can do is the best I can do, but some times I fail to do that. Hopefully, my kids won't remember the bad days. I love my kids so much and don't want them to have to suffer because of my short-comings. I am going to try to exercise patience with them and look for the good things they do and not just focus on what they are doing wrong. Yes, sometimes I get hung up on the bad things and fail to acknowledge the good. I hope they grow up well despite their mother!

September 10

Today would have been Jamie's 39th birthday. I remember writing about her 38th birthday last year. I will always remember this date with both happiness and sadness. I wish she were here with us, but I know she is so much happier where she is. Soon I will have lived more of my life without my sister than I did with her. That is so strange to me because we shared so much of our life together. I know that one day I will see her again. In that I take my comfort.

A few things...

I tried to post a picture for Wordless Wednesday, but Blogger would let me! Boo, Hiss!!! So, I thought I'd share some things my kids said this morning.


I am going to try to grow my hair out again this year. I try about every other year to do something different with it. Since it is so short, I have to grow it out for a while before I can do anything with it. Anyway, this morning the boys were looking at some pictures Jackson is taking to school for a homework assignment. Jackson says, "Hey, Mom, this is when you had your ugly hair." Yes, it is the same style I have been thinking about trying again! Guess I will search for another look!
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A few girls in Jackson's class have told me that they have a crush on him. One has given him a couple of pictures of herself and another one let him wear her necklace yesterday. I have told him not to accept gifts from girls and I told the girls that Jackson is too young to have a girlfriend. This morning Bryson said, "Mom, don't worry, I have already talked to Jackson about girls."

"Oh, really? What did you talk to him about?" I asked.

" I told him to stay away from girls. They are bad news!"

"Good job, Bry! You tell Jackson everything you know about girls, then!"

Can the world just please SLOW DOWN!!!

Goodness, I have been bad at blogging lately. Our world has gone from slow, lazy summer days to back to work, school and football season full force. I feel like I don't have time to breathe some days. The last three weeks are a big blur. I am ready for things to slow down a little bit.

My dad was in town this weekend. He hooked up with some friends on Facebook that he hasn't seen in about 40 years. They were able to hang out for several hours and reminisce about the good ol' days. He then came to our house to hang out with us. We had a good visit and we were sad to see him go.

My little sister, Pily, will be here on Saturday. She is competing in a triathalon this coming weekend. We are going to go watch. I've never been to one before, so I am looking forward to it.

We begin some after-school activities this week and Drew and I are going to start going to a Bible study at church on Wednesdays. We haven't gone to church on Wednesdays for YEARS because we don't like having a completely full schedule. I guess it's time we realize that life is a full schedule and learn to deal with it! We really need to get more involved and the boys need to get involved in Wednesday evening activities, as well. This is going to be a big change for us. I hope we don't kill each other in the process! :0)

Speaking of killing people, I have had such a short fuse lately. I don't know what is wrong with me, but my tolerance level is next to nothing. Maybe it's just because I haven't adjusted to being back at work, but I feel like I have nothing left by the time I get home. I give everything away during the day and save nothing for my own kids. This makes me feel guilty and oh, so emotional! I find myself yelling at my kids and Drew for such small things like crumbs on the kitchen floor. I immediately feel guilty, but then it happens again the next day. I don't like the fact that I treat other people's kids better than my own. I feel like my working is taking away from my family, but I HAVE to work. We cannot live on Drew's salary~ at least I would be miserable if we HAD to live on his salary. I feel so torn. I want to be the best teacher I can be, but at what expense? At the expense of my kids? My family? My marriage? I don't know how to balance it all. I am NOT being a good mom right now to my kids and I HATE that. They deserve so much better than I am giving them right now. I don't know how to change it. There is no wiggle room in my life. I am at my breaking point and I don't know how to fix it. Just when I need things to slow down we are complicating them more~ after-school activities, Wednesday night church, football season. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel so frazzled some days I can't even think. My thoughts become so jumbled sometimes. I guess this is how I am going to have to live for the next 16 years until Addison graduates from school. I just hope there isn't too much carnage in the process.

I will quit complaining now and try to enjoy my one day off for the next 12 WEEKS until Thanksgiving break. Yes, I have counted!

Wordless Wednesday

Jackson is funny but doesn't know it!

I am home with Jackson today. He got sick in the middle of the night. He has been feeling fine today and has eaten. I don't know what it was/is, but I feel better keeping him home just to be on the safe side. I kept Addison with me, too, just so we wouldn't have to go pick her up later.

We were outside on the back porch this morning enjoying this wonderful weather. The dogs started barking at someone walking by. I told them to be quiet several times. Finally, Jackson said, "Mom, I guess they only know Spanish."