Today has been tough. I thought Wednesday was a hard day- until today. Today is the "official" date on my mom's death certificate. Today was the day, four years ago, it became real. I have wanted to be alone today. I had to work today, but whenever I could I HAD to be alone. At lunch today I didn't want to talk to or see anyone. I just wanted to be alone. I usually enjoy being around a lot of people. Not today. When we were finished with our meeting I began talking to Katie. We shared a lot about our families and I felt much better. I know I can never go back and undo anything from my past. I can, however, learn from the past and try to be a better mom, wife and daughter for the family I have now. I miss my mom. I wonder what life would be like with her here. But the fact is, she is not here and never will be again. I have to love my family the way they are and for who they are and, hopefully, they will love me in return. I don't want to look back some day and have any more regrets than I already do. I have been taking things out on Drew this week. I have not wanted to talk to him or be around him. It seems like everything he does gets on my nerves. I know it is not him, it is just the way I am feeling right now. I hope he will forgive me for treating him so badly. Sorry, Sweetie. I will be better, I promise!
Katie, thanks for talking with me today and listening when I needed to talk! I appreciate your willingness to stay at work longer than you had to on a Friday afternoon. You are a true friend!
So even though I felt alone today and wanted to be alone today, I know I am not really alone. I have my family, my friends and I know the Lord is always with me.
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalms 28:7 (Don't worry, I will give thanks to him in song while no one is around!)
My next post won't be so depressing. I will try to take some pictures of my kids this weekend and hopefully they will say something very funny!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Alone, but not really
posted by Jana at 4:16 PM
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2 comments:
I love you. Drew
I love you too, Jana! Just in a different way than Drew does...
Also, I'm so thankful we got a chance to talk to today.
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