Who I Am~ Part 1

I spend a lot of time thinking. I know this will surprise some of you, but I really do! I think about who I am, who I was, who people perceive me to be. I think about my kids, Drew, our past, present and future. I think about my family and friends. I even think about you~ people who happen to read my blog.

I believe we all have a story that needs to be shared. I love to listen to people share their past and where they have come from. I love to listen to people talk about how they met their spouses, decided what was going to be their major in college, how they decided it was time to have kids and how they chose their number of children. I wish this could be a job, because it is totally what I would do!

I feel like my story is complicated, like so many others. I feel like my past has helped shape me~ the good and the not so good. I have hang-ups and insecurities and think about why I can't seem to shake them.

I am going to blog about some of these things every once in a while. Not only to share with you, but also to try to get to know myself a little better. I am going to just pick a topic and let my mind take me where it will. There may not be a lot of flow and sequence to it, but that is how my thoughts run most of the time. Feel free to read and comment if you are led to do so!

Friendships:
I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about my ability to be a good friend. I don't think I am a particularly good friend, but I aspire to be. I have asked myself why this is. Here is what I think:

We moved a lot when I was young. I went to 6 different elementary school in three different states. We didn't stay in one place for very long. The reasons varied~ my dad would get transferred with his job, my parents split up, my parents got back together, they split up again, you get the idea. I was always the "new kid" in school. Most of the time it took a while before people learned my name. I was just referred to as "the new girl." I developed friendships, but we would, inevitably, move. Then I would have to start all over again. I spent a lot of time by myself or with my sister~ at least we had each other. I may not have appreciated that at the time, but now I am glad we did have each other. By the time I was in 7th grade my parents had split up for good and it was just me, my mom and my sister. We moved into a small school district where my sister and I would feel more comfortable. We actually stayed in that school district until I graduated from high school.

During junior high and high school I had friends. I had a few close friends and lots of other people I talked to, but I never would relax enough to let my guard down. I don't think I actually put my guard up on purpose, but I didn't want to get too close to someone only to have to leave again. I watched in envy as other people formed deep friendships and spent every waking moment together. I longed for that, but I didn't know how to achieve it. I just never got over that way of thinking.

Here I am today with lots of people I talk to, but no "real" close friend. I don't feel like I "know" how to be a good friend. I don't know how to let someone into my little world and be real with them. I think I am afraid. I am afraid of rejection and failure. I am afraid that I will say or do something to drive a person away. How could someone really like me with all my faults and failures? I try to get close to other people, but something keeps me from getting too close. I long for closeness, but I am afraid of it. To combat this, I joke around a lot to keep from getting too close.

I do feel like I have let most of my guard down with Drew, but I am always expecting the worst to happen with him. How can he love me unconditionally when I have _________ fault? When is he going to decide that being married to me is too much work and trouble? When is he going to leave? Believe me, he has reassured me countless times that he isn't going any where. We have talked about it and laughed about it. We joke about "going out for cigarettes" and never coming back when things start going badly, but he has remained with me. I don't feel like I completely trust that he can love me despite all my faults. He says he does and always will, so hopefully that is the case.

I want my kids to have true and lasting friendships like I never had. I just don't know how to show them how to do that. I want to find some people I can share my deepest, ugliest, darkest thoughts with and have them still love me in spite of all those things. I do have some people in my life who seem to really love me, but how do I know it's the real deal?

So, this is just one topic I think about often~ Why I am the way I am and where I have come from. I hope to share more with you about me in the future. I also hope to get some things cleared out in my head so my past won't always determine my future.