Who I Am~ Part 2

I have spent a lot of time thinking about whether I want to blog about this or not. I don't want to offend anyone or turn anyone away. I simply want to get my thoughts out in the open and hopefully grow a little bit in the process. I have thought about omitting some things and "cleaning up" some of the details, but that defeats the purpose of blogging. This is a place where I can express myself and try to work through some things. I have been blogging for almost two years and haven't really let my guard down, yet. I have posted a few things and then I went back and deleted the posts. I am so afraid of hurting someone (which is never my intention) or of exposing too much of myself. I do have my blog linked to my Facebook page and that exposes me a little more. I have thought about taking the link off. I just don't know, yet. So, with all that said, I am going to be vulnerable and expose a very sensitive subject. Well, at least it is very sensitive to me!

Body Image:
I deal with a negative body image just about every day of my life. I am constantly comparing myself to other people and wanting to change a little here and a little there. If I could just fix ______ then I would be happy. If I could just lose 20 pounds I would be so much better. If my legs looked like this (pulling on my legs to make them look smaller) I would be more comfortable. If I could only get into a size ___ I would be happy. I know I am not the only one who goes through this, I just don't know how to stop it.

I remember the day I stepped on the scale and it read 100 pounds. I was 11 years old and in 5th grade. I was mortified that I was so fat. I hated the way my legs looked in shorts and tried to hide them as much as possible. I remember wearing shorts to school one day and how my legs looked when I sat in my desk. The way they squished out on the seat of my desk made them look huge. I tried to hide them all day by holding a book in my lap. That was 27 years ago and I still remember that horrible feeling of hating my legs.

When I was in jr. high I reached 125 pounds. One summer I decided I was going to lose weight and tried to go without eating. I remember being dizzy and unable to concentrate. I wanted so badly to be thin that I was willing to suffer to do it. Well, obviously, it didn't work. There were times I would only drink Cokes instead of eating. At least the Cokes kept my stomach from growling.

In high school I participated in sports throughout the year. I played volleyball, basketball and ran track. I was always active and enjoyed working out at school each day, but I knew I wasn't as small as my friends. I longed to be comfortable with my body. I hated the way my legs looked in shorts and wanted to have skinny legs like my friends. I have heard too many times the words "Buffalo Butt," "Thunder Thighs," and "Legs like tree trunks." I laughed at the time, just to keep from crying. I remember a boy asked me if I took steroids because my legs were so big. Yeah, those are the things I remember!

After I graduated from high school I joined Jenny Craig for a short while. I weighed 145 pounds and was horrified at the thought of reaching 150. I used to call my sister fat when she weighed 150. Seriously, if I had only known what was in store for me back then! That doesn't sound so bad now.

Dieting never worked for me, so I exercised. The more I exercised, the more I ate. Eventually, I would exercise just so I could eat whatever I wanted. This went on for years until I hit my 30's. It is so true that your metabolism slows down in your 30's. I began gaining weight and I was exercising. It didn't help that I started having kids and baby weight is hard to get rid of. After a while I got serious about my eating and lost about 30 pounds. Then I got tired of watching every single thing I ate and the weight loss stalled. I just don't have it in me to be hungry all the time and keep track of every little bite. Maybe I am just lazy, I don't know.

Fast forward to today. I am nearing 40 and still not happy with how I look. I am constantly saying the things mentioned earlier. I know Drew is tired of reassuring me and, frankly, I am tired of putting so much time and effort into thinking about my body. I told myself earlier this year that my goal was to start exercising less, not more. I haven't done it. I can't do it. I currently work out 5-6 days a week. If I go more than a day or two without doing something physical I start to get anxious and that becomes all I think about. I need to find a happy medium.

So, why am I like this? Good question. My mom never really said anything to me about my weight. We didn't really talk about it. I guess I started to think about it as I started developing. I think it is normal for girls to wonder if they are "normal." I think most adolescent girls compare themselves to their peers. In college I was busy working full-time, but I still managed to run and work out whenever I could. I still never got to a place size-wise where I was happy.

When I met Drew he was my biggest cheerleader. He tried to make me feel beautiful and worthy of adoration, but I would not allow myself to feel it. Could he not see all my physical flaws? How could he love me when I am ___ size?

So, my negative body image is a large part of who I am. I am not proud of this. I am embarrassed that I spend so much time thinking about something that shouldn't be an issue. When I go shopping, when I am at the pool (horrors!), running, walking, sitting, standing, I am thinking about what I can do to look smaller~ stand taller, straighter, suck in your gut, stand sideways, shoulders back, turn your head to the side a little. Ugh, so frustrating.

I am going to try to work on this. You are going to help me be accountable. You don't have to say anything to me about it, I will just know that I put it all out there and someone knows. I am going to try to tell myself something positive every day instead of something negative. Maybe I can start with how strong my legs are instead of how big they are. (That sentence was hard to type!) I am going to try to focus on the positive and hopefully minimize the negative.

Thanks for letting me get this out and letting me be vulnerable. I am hopeful that I will become a better person by being real with my friends and myself. I am a complicated individual, so there will be more posts to come! Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing is yet to be determined!