Kindergarten Graduation

Jackson walking across the "stage." He barely looked up for a picture!

Friday was the last day of school and Kindergarten graduation. Just the thought of Jackson finishing Kindergarten was enough to bring tears to my eyes. I spent the morning talking myself into NOT crying. I did pretty well, if I do say so myself. I think it helped that Breon showed up. He was the comic relief and kept me from thinking about my baby boy growing up WAY too fast. Thanks for coming, Breon!

Graduation ended abruptly when a student (not a kindergartner) pulled the fire alarm! That was one way to bring the year to an end. The entire school and all the visitors had to evacuate the building and wait for the all clear to re-enter! The kids did a great job not freaking out and showed the parents how we perform our fire drills. We sure won't forget that graduation for a while! That is also the reason I didn't get very many pictures.

Days like this make me wish my mom were here to watch them with me. I know she would have been there and would have cried right along beside me. (I'm sure I got my sensitivity from her!) She didn't even get the chance to know Jackson. She died when he was 5 months old. She would have been proud (as I am) of the sweet, kind and loving boy he is. Oh how I wish she were here to share the special times with us.

Drew couldn't be there because he had to give finals at his school. He wasn't able to be at Bryson's either. That is just one of the downfalls of being a teacher. Sometimes you have to miss your own kids special days.

This year zoomed by. In a way I am thankful (It was a tough year.) and in a way it makes me sad. I know that my babies will be grown up before I know it. Bryson only has one more year left at our school and Addison will be here in two short years. It is so hard to believe that they are growing up so fast.

I am going to try to really relax this summer and enjoy my family. I know I sometimes take them for granted.

Who I Am~ Part 2

I have spent a lot of time thinking about whether I want to blog about this or not. I don't want to offend anyone or turn anyone away. I simply want to get my thoughts out in the open and hopefully grow a little bit in the process. I have thought about omitting some things and "cleaning up" some of the details, but that defeats the purpose of blogging. This is a place where I can express myself and try to work through some things. I have been blogging for almost two years and haven't really let my guard down, yet. I have posted a few things and then I went back and deleted the posts. I am so afraid of hurting someone (which is never my intention) or of exposing too much of myself. I do have my blog linked to my Facebook page and that exposes me a little more. I have thought about taking the link off. I just don't know, yet. So, with all that said, I am going to be vulnerable and expose a very sensitive subject. Well, at least it is very sensitive to me!

Body Image:
I deal with a negative body image just about every day of my life. I am constantly comparing myself to other people and wanting to change a little here and a little there. If I could just fix ______ then I would be happy. If I could just lose 20 pounds I would be so much better. If my legs looked like this (pulling on my legs to make them look smaller) I would be more comfortable. If I could only get into a size ___ I would be happy. I know I am not the only one who goes through this, I just don't know how to stop it.

I remember the day I stepped on the scale and it read 100 pounds. I was 11 years old and in 5th grade. I was mortified that I was so fat. I hated the way my legs looked in shorts and tried to hide them as much as possible. I remember wearing shorts to school one day and how my legs looked when I sat in my desk. The way they squished out on the seat of my desk made them look huge. I tried to hide them all day by holding a book in my lap. That was 27 years ago and I still remember that horrible feeling of hating my legs.

When I was in jr. high I reached 125 pounds. One summer I decided I was going to lose weight and tried to go without eating. I remember being dizzy and unable to concentrate. I wanted so badly to be thin that I was willing to suffer to do it. Well, obviously, it didn't work. There were times I would only drink Cokes instead of eating. At least the Cokes kept my stomach from growling.

In high school I participated in sports throughout the year. I played volleyball, basketball and ran track. I was always active and enjoyed working out at school each day, but I knew I wasn't as small as my friends. I longed to be comfortable with my body. I hated the way my legs looked in shorts and wanted to have skinny legs like my friends. I have heard too many times the words "Buffalo Butt," "Thunder Thighs," and "Legs like tree trunks." I laughed at the time, just to keep from crying. I remember a boy asked me if I took steroids because my legs were so big. Yeah, those are the things I remember!

After I graduated from high school I joined Jenny Craig for a short while. I weighed 145 pounds and was horrified at the thought of reaching 150. I used to call my sister fat when she weighed 150. Seriously, if I had only known what was in store for me back then! That doesn't sound so bad now.

Dieting never worked for me, so I exercised. The more I exercised, the more I ate. Eventually, I would exercise just so I could eat whatever I wanted. This went on for years until I hit my 30's. It is so true that your metabolism slows down in your 30's. I began gaining weight and I was exercising. It didn't help that I started having kids and baby weight is hard to get rid of. After a while I got serious about my eating and lost about 30 pounds. Then I got tired of watching every single thing I ate and the weight loss stalled. I just don't have it in me to be hungry all the time and keep track of every little bite. Maybe I am just lazy, I don't know.

Fast forward to today. I am nearing 40 and still not happy with how I look. I am constantly saying the things mentioned earlier. I know Drew is tired of reassuring me and, frankly, I am tired of putting so much time and effort into thinking about my body. I told myself earlier this year that my goal was to start exercising less, not more. I haven't done it. I can't do it. I currently work out 5-6 days a week. If I go more than a day or two without doing something physical I start to get anxious and that becomes all I think about. I need to find a happy medium.

So, why am I like this? Good question. My mom never really said anything to me about my weight. We didn't really talk about it. I guess I started to think about it as I started developing. I think it is normal for girls to wonder if they are "normal." I think most adolescent girls compare themselves to their peers. In college I was busy working full-time, but I still managed to run and work out whenever I could. I still never got to a place size-wise where I was happy.

When I met Drew he was my biggest cheerleader. He tried to make me feel beautiful and worthy of adoration, but I would not allow myself to feel it. Could he not see all my physical flaws? How could he love me when I am ___ size?

So, my negative body image is a large part of who I am. I am not proud of this. I am embarrassed that I spend so much time thinking about something that shouldn't be an issue. When I go shopping, when I am at the pool (horrors!), running, walking, sitting, standing, I am thinking about what I can do to look smaller~ stand taller, straighter, suck in your gut, stand sideways, shoulders back, turn your head to the side a little. Ugh, so frustrating.

I am going to try to work on this. You are going to help me be accountable. You don't have to say anything to me about it, I will just know that I put it all out there and someone knows. I am going to try to tell myself something positive every day instead of something negative. Maybe I can start with how strong my legs are instead of how big they are. (That sentence was hard to type!) I am going to try to focus on the positive and hopefully minimize the negative.

Thanks for letting me get this out and letting me be vulnerable. I am hopeful that I will become a better person by being real with my friends and myself. I am a complicated individual, so there will be more posts to come! Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing is yet to be determined!

Proud Mommy Alert!

See this little girl? She said that I am her best friend. Yes, I know I should be a mother to her and not a friend, but, come on, she's two and I'll take it!

Is she not just the sweetest thing around? I am a little biased! I think she is pretty sweet and snugly and funny and squeezable and , well, you get the idea!

This little guy is almost a first grader! I can hardly believe it! He has learned so much and grown just as much this year. I love his smile and he sure does love his mommy. He just melts my heart!

This big guy makes me proud, too. Today we learned that he passes all three TAKS tests and got Commended in Math and Writing. He is growing up fast and I am proud of the sweet young man he is becoming.

Thanks for putting up with my "Mommy Moment." I just wanted to brag on them a little bit! :0)

Who I Am~ Part 1

I spend a lot of time thinking. I know this will surprise some of you, but I really do! I think about who I am, who I was, who people perceive me to be. I think about my kids, Drew, our past, present and future. I think about my family and friends. I even think about you~ people who happen to read my blog.

I believe we all have a story that needs to be shared. I love to listen to people share their past and where they have come from. I love to listen to people talk about how they met their spouses, decided what was going to be their major in college, how they decided it was time to have kids and how they chose their number of children. I wish this could be a job, because it is totally what I would do!

I feel like my story is complicated, like so many others. I feel like my past has helped shape me~ the good and the not so good. I have hang-ups and insecurities and think about why I can't seem to shake them.

I am going to blog about some of these things every once in a while. Not only to share with you, but also to try to get to know myself a little better. I am going to just pick a topic and let my mind take me where it will. There may not be a lot of flow and sequence to it, but that is how my thoughts run most of the time. Feel free to read and comment if you are led to do so!

Friendships:
I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about my ability to be a good friend. I don't think I am a particularly good friend, but I aspire to be. I have asked myself why this is. Here is what I think:

We moved a lot when I was young. I went to 6 different elementary school in three different states. We didn't stay in one place for very long. The reasons varied~ my dad would get transferred with his job, my parents split up, my parents got back together, they split up again, you get the idea. I was always the "new kid" in school. Most of the time it took a while before people learned my name. I was just referred to as "the new girl." I developed friendships, but we would, inevitably, move. Then I would have to start all over again. I spent a lot of time by myself or with my sister~ at least we had each other. I may not have appreciated that at the time, but now I am glad we did have each other. By the time I was in 7th grade my parents had split up for good and it was just me, my mom and my sister. We moved into a small school district where my sister and I would feel more comfortable. We actually stayed in that school district until I graduated from high school.

During junior high and high school I had friends. I had a few close friends and lots of other people I talked to, but I never would relax enough to let my guard down. I don't think I actually put my guard up on purpose, but I didn't want to get too close to someone only to have to leave again. I watched in envy as other people formed deep friendships and spent every waking moment together. I longed for that, but I didn't know how to achieve it. I just never got over that way of thinking.

Here I am today with lots of people I talk to, but no "real" close friend. I don't feel like I "know" how to be a good friend. I don't know how to let someone into my little world and be real with them. I think I am afraid. I am afraid of rejection and failure. I am afraid that I will say or do something to drive a person away. How could someone really like me with all my faults and failures? I try to get close to other people, but something keeps me from getting too close. I long for closeness, but I am afraid of it. To combat this, I joke around a lot to keep from getting too close.

I do feel like I have let most of my guard down with Drew, but I am always expecting the worst to happen with him. How can he love me unconditionally when I have _________ fault? When is he going to decide that being married to me is too much work and trouble? When is he going to leave? Believe me, he has reassured me countless times that he isn't going any where. We have talked about it and laughed about it. We joke about "going out for cigarettes" and never coming back when things start going badly, but he has remained with me. I don't feel like I completely trust that he can love me despite all my faults. He says he does and always will, so hopefully that is the case.

I want my kids to have true and lasting friendships like I never had. I just don't know how to show them how to do that. I want to find some people I can share my deepest, ugliest, darkest thoughts with and have them still love me in spite of all those things. I do have some people in my life who seem to really love me, but how do I know it's the real deal?

So, this is just one topic I think about often~ Why I am the way I am and where I have come from. I hope to share more with you about me in the future. I also hope to get some things cleared out in my head so my past won't always determine my future.

Run for Sarah

Today was the day we, me and Bryson, ran the Run for Sarah 5k. I woke him up early and he jumped right out of bed. He was excited that it was finally time to run. We got ready and headed out. I picked up Nancy, a friend from work, to go with us.

We got there and picked up our packet. Bryson was really excited to put on his shirt and race number. We talked to some people and stood around waiting. The longer we waited, the more impatient he became. He asked me about 253,675 times what time it was! I told Bryson that he could set the pace. He said he wanted to jog for 5 minutes before stopping to walk. That sounded like a great plan.

Finally, it was time to start. When we got up to the starting line he was already jogging. I started my stop watch so we could keep up with our time. Three minutes and twenty-one seconds into the race (yes, 3:21!) Bryson said, "I am NEVER doing this again!" That made some people around us laugh, but I was not laughing. I knew it was going to be a LONG three miles.

Nancy and I continued to encourage him and cheer for him, but the more we cheered the slower he walked. I decided that we could just go on ahead of him and he could catch up. We would stop and wait every once in a while, but it seemed like he went slower each time. Let me just say that it was a struggle to maintain my composure with him! We waited for him at the three mile marker so we could finish together. He ran in, of course, ahead of us. We finished in 48:08 and it was the longest 5k I have ever done and will ever do!

Afterward, we walked around the tables and got water, a banana and a snack. On the way home, Bryson said he had fun. Really? Fun? He complained the entire time! The water and snacks must have erased his memory. I am never going to PAY for that experience again! Nancy and I will run by ourselves from now on!

Reporting In

I feel like I need to blog, but there isn't much going on right now, thankfully! So, I will just put some thoughts down.

• We had field day on Friday. Well, we had half of field day before the sky opened up and rained us out. We had decided earlier in the week that if we got at least half of it in we wouldn't make it up. I am happy that we don't have to make it up!
• My little sister was here this weekend from College Station. She helped out with field day (This was her third year to help me. Thanks, Pily!) and we hung out with the kids. We are pretty boring, but I don't think she minds!
• We have two weeks of school left. I am ready to spend some time with my kids without being totally worn out. We are planning on swimming a lot this summer~ at our neighborhood pool and at NRH2O. Drew will be teaching summer school again, but we will have fun with him, too.
• Bryson had his braces tightened for the first time this past week. I am amazed at how much they have already moved. He is going to look great once we get those teeth straightened out. He already is a good-looking kid, but will look even better with straight teeth. I am a little biased, though!
• I ordered a swim suit online today. Crap shoot, I know!
• I also ordered some new running shoes today~ Nike LunarSwift. I hope they are as comfortable as the reviews say they are. I am going to start running more again now that my calf is healed. Some new shoes may give me the motivation I need. I actually ordered two pairs so I can switch them out. You can never have too many options when it comes to shoes!
• Our friends, Breon and Kecia, are coming over for dinner tonight. It has been too long since we have hung out with them. I am looking forward to a good, relaxing time.
• Addison will be three in about 6 weeks. Where does the time go? She is getting so big (38 pounds!) and is looking more and more like a little girl instead of a toddler.
• My husband is awesome and I am blessed beyond measure that he is in my life! :0)

That's about all for today. I hope to include some pictures in my next post. Have a great week and may the next two weeks zoom by!

My Husband...

ROCKS! I'm just sayin'!

Reminiscing

I have spent some time lately reminiscing and it makes me emotional. I don't know why I have been thinking about the past, but things just keep popping up in my head. Maybe it's due to the fact that we have celebrated both of my boys' birthdays within the past month. Maybe it is because Mother's Day is this weekend and I am thinking about my mom. Maybe the end of another school year has caused me to think back. Maybe it is because my 20th high school reunion is this weekend. Maybe it is all of these things combined that has caused me to go back in time.

There are so many things I wish I could change about the past. But, if I had done things differently, would I have ended up where I am now? I like my life. I love my husband and children more than words can express. Why, then, do I have so many regrets?

I have hurt people~ sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. I have let friendships fall by the wayside. I have said/done things I wish I could take back or do over. I have wasted time and money on frivolous things. I know we all have regrets. For whatever reason, the past has just been clouding my mind lately.

Some of my thoughts have been good ones. I have thought back to when my sister was still alive. Sure we fought a lot (like sisters do), but at least she was here. I have thought a lot about my mom and the things I wish I could share with her. She would have LOVED to know my kids and spend time with them. She loved Bryson so much and would have done anything for him, including let him eat junk all day long and wonder why he was acting like a crazy boy. Oh, wait, she DID do that!

I have been thinking back to high school. I'm sure that's because our reunion is tonight. I would NEVER want to do high school again, but I would like to have my mom and sister with me again. Sometimes (oftentimes) you don't fully appreciate people until they are gone.

I am looking forward to seeing some people I haven't seen in 20 years. There is no telling what people remember about me. I think back to some people I went to school with and remember a comment, a kind gesture or a rude encounter and wonder what things I did that left an imprint on others. I probably don't even remember most of the things I did that others remember, just like others don't remember the things they did that I remember.

It is so humbling to think that a simple act, whether good or bad, can be remembered by someone for so long. It really makes me conscious about my daily encounters with people. How do I want to be remembered? What do I want others to think about if they hear my name spoken? How do I represent myself and what I believe in? Of course, I want people to think fondly of me, but do I act in a way that will make them think positive thoughts about me? Why do I care? Yeah, these are the things floating around in my head, lately! No wonder I can't remember where I put my phone!

I strive to be a good person and try to treat others the way I want to be treated. I want to represent myself in a positive light. I want others to feel good when they are around me. I want to put off a positive vibe. I was taught, mostly by example, to think of others and how they feel. I may not always do a very good job of it, but I strive to be an uplifting and positive person.

So, a lot of reminiscing has been going on. At least I still have enough of my memory where I am able to remember the past! :0)

6 Years Old!

It is hard to believe that this sweet little baby is already six years old! I wrote about his birth day last year, if you want to read it. Jackson has brought so much joy to my life. If you know Jackson, you know what a special little boy he is. He is caring, sweet, funny, silly, shy, quiet, smart, hard-working and has such a sweet spirit. He loves his mommy so much and tells me daily. His big brother is his hero and he loves to do anything Bryson does. He is also a great big brother to Addison. I love this little guy more than words can express and he definitely holds a special place in my heart.

He was only 5 months old when my mom died and just having him with me was such a comfort during that horrible time in my life. He could brighten my day just by smiling.

This year Jackson goes to Kindergarten at the school where I teach. I love seeing him each day and love it when his class comes to the gym for PE. Right now he says he wants to be a PE teacher just like me and wants his wife to be just like me. Yes, I know that will change, but I will take while I can get it! :0)

I look forward to seeing what he becomes as he gets older. I have thoroughly enjoyed the past six years with my Jack and can't wait to see what the future holds for him!

I love you, Jackson Reid! You know just how to make me smile!